Well, it's been a week since we got home and broke the news. One week.
It seems like much longer than that. Maybe that's how it is when you are trying to figure out "what do i do now?"
Those first few days were rough. Lots of tears spread throughout the day, with the goal of not having any of them fall in front of the boys. Mission accomplished there.
Ben and I cried together in the evening - many times the only time we can really talk about things without worrying about the boys hearing us is at night in bed. He has a tendency to bottle his emotions and definitely tries to be strong and "controlled" for the boys' sake - so I was relieved to have him cry along with me. Everyone needs that emotional release every now and then. Especially when you are dealing with SO MUCH.
The response to my blog post was overwhelming, humbling, amazing, beautiful, heartwarming...and elicited many tears. Sincere thanks to everyone who commented with words of comfort, support, and love.
Knowing that I have so many people praying on my behalf is really encouraging.
So - what NOW, right?
Well, as odd as it sounds and as odd as it feels for me to say, i'm actually doing okay. My dad stopped over today and asked "how are you doing?", and I said "honestly...i'm fine". That's not to say that I'm fine with what is happening, because i certainly am NOT fine with it....but overall....i really do feel "fine". I still feel really good. No pain. No nausea. Those are things for me to be thankful about every day. With all the "if onlys" i thought about on the way home from Mayo and the days following i also decided to try a few things - because really, why not? I am trying very hard to limit my sugar intake. I know cancer cells respond and thrive on sugar. I mean, when I have a PET scan - they cut you off from carbs 18 hours in advance and then inject you with a glucose solution because the cancer cells have been starved of sugar for a while and then they just suck it right up. I've been doing pretty good in that regard. Definitely not perfect, but better.
I've also started taking a few supplements. I've never been very good about taking stuff, but have committed myself to a few. Turmeric is one. The others are some things I got from my friend Erin who has been helping me throughout this whole journey and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to thank her enough for her love and support (you can check out her FB page Eden Restored), and the other thing is something that really isn't a supplement but my cousin Hailey sent me a blog with some interesting info so I figured what have i got to lose by trying it? Nothing that I can think of. I mean, i take chemo in hopes that it will help and it makes me feel HORRIBLE. Taking all of these things (which really isn't that much) makes me feel...no different.
And what if all of this results in nothing? No change? Okay. At least i can get some of the "in onlys" off my mind.
I'm getting more comfortable going out in public. Not to say that it isn't hard and a little terrifying because there are a lot of sympathetic looks, hugs, people letting me know they are thinking of us and praying for us and I never quite know if/when i'm going to break down in tears. And omgoodness do NOT feel at all bad if you see me and give me a hug, let me know you are praying, etc. and I start crying. It's just how it is right now.
I'm doing yoga (at home) and LOVING it. I'm also trying to do a little cardio and HATING it. Holy cow i'm out of shape. We bought an airdyne bike a while ago when Ben was told he needed to get some exercise to get his blood pressure under control. I remember looking at the bike online and specifically asking him "if we buy this are you actually going to use it?". I believe his response was very non-committal. I ordered it anyway. You will be shocked to know that he used it maybe 4 times and then it's been sitting in the basement. I mentioned that I'd like to work on my cardio, but don't really want to go down to the basement to ride the bike, so he and Sammy brought it upstairs for me. I've only done it twice but that was enough for me to give it the nickname "the torture wheel".
Mostly trying to be thankful for all of the little things every day.
Peace I leave with you;
My Peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
why, why, why...
Well, we are back from Mayo. I wish we were back with good news, but unfortunately so far good news isn't our "story". Bad news seems to be plaguing us on this journey.
All of those decisions I was worried about have become a mute point because the scans showed that the cancer has spread. There are a couple of spots on my liver and 2 lymph nodes that show cancer as well.
I can say that we were very shocked and heartbroken by the news. Neither one of us was really sure how to respond or react. Dumbfounded.
The ride home was spent trying to wrap our heads around everything.
I feel like I've gone through the gamut of emotions in processing the news, but honestly, disbelief is the one that seems to be sticking - with sadness and anger not far behind. We were upfront with the boys, because i feel like they need to know what's going on. I hate putting this information on their shoulders cause it's a heavy burden to bear, but I don't want them to be blind as to what is going on. Charlie summed it up best last night between sobs..."why YOU? why US?" to which I could only respond "i don't know buddy".
I'm asking myself those same why questions, even though there is no answer.
I will say I did spend a better part of the trip home wondering "if I only did this or that then maybe...", but also knowing that if only i had done 'this' or 'that' then maybe the outcome would still be the same. And I don't think beating myself up about things is going to help matters any. It's hard to not feel some responsibility tho. Is that weird? I feel guilty for having this stupid disease. For putting my family through having to deal with me having this disease. Mostly for the boys having to bear this burden. That's the worst. I hate it so much for them. Charlie goes to the guidance counselor at school b/c his mind wanders and then he starts to think about things and all of the what-ifs and he worries and gets anxious thinking about it all. My 13 year old shouldn't have to worry about his mom dying.
But he does.
And I do too.
That's a shitty thing to have in the back of your mind. Wondering how long you have to live? I mean...all of us are going to die at some point, but for most of us it's not something we think about because without the presence of disease it seems so far away and not front and center. The doctor talked about chemo to "prolong your life", which I told Ben makes me think "well, i'm going to die from this....but when?"
Prolong your life. Ugh.
For now the game plan is to hold tight. We go back up in December for more scans and possible biopsies. The oncologist wants to see if there is some genetic mutation that would indicate a certain type of treatment that would work better than others. He also knows that I don't tolerate chemo very well, and doesn't want to put me through that if it's not something that will be effective. After the next appointments there will be more chemo for sure...we just aren't sure what it will be.
So - I have cried a few tears and I'm sure will cry many more. But i woke up today, had my coffee, did yoga, worked on some things around the house, went to conferences, paid some bills....life goes on in spite of everything.
I will say this...it is hard to reconcile all of this with my faith. I know Ben is really struggling with his relationship with God these days, and I worry about the boys too. Charlie is going through confirmation right now and reading the book of Luke. There's a lot of stories of Jesus healing sick people in that book. Makes it difficult to reconcile why He doesn't seem to be healing me? Taking this sickness away? Why cancer is even a THING? Charlie said last night "millions and millions of dollars going to research cancer and they STILL can't figure it out?"
Right?
And clinging to hope seems to be backfiring on me every time! I was so hopeful going into these last appointments. Getting your hopes dashed over and over makes having hope a bit difficult.
But I will keep praying. I will keep the conversation with Him going. I will try to remain as faith-full as I can.
Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS for the Lord your God is with you. Joshua 1:9
All of those decisions I was worried about have become a mute point because the scans showed that the cancer has spread. There are a couple of spots on my liver and 2 lymph nodes that show cancer as well.
I can say that we were very shocked and heartbroken by the news. Neither one of us was really sure how to respond or react. Dumbfounded.
The ride home was spent trying to wrap our heads around everything.
I feel like I've gone through the gamut of emotions in processing the news, but honestly, disbelief is the one that seems to be sticking - with sadness and anger not far behind. We were upfront with the boys, because i feel like they need to know what's going on. I hate putting this information on their shoulders cause it's a heavy burden to bear, but I don't want them to be blind as to what is going on. Charlie summed it up best last night between sobs..."why YOU? why US?" to which I could only respond "i don't know buddy".
I'm asking myself those same why questions, even though there is no answer.
I will say I did spend a better part of the trip home wondering "if I only did this or that then maybe...", but also knowing that if only i had done 'this' or 'that' then maybe the outcome would still be the same. And I don't think beating myself up about things is going to help matters any. It's hard to not feel some responsibility tho. Is that weird? I feel guilty for having this stupid disease. For putting my family through having to deal with me having this disease. Mostly for the boys having to bear this burden. That's the worst. I hate it so much for them. Charlie goes to the guidance counselor at school b/c his mind wanders and then he starts to think about things and all of the what-ifs and he worries and gets anxious thinking about it all. My 13 year old shouldn't have to worry about his mom dying.
But he does.
And I do too.
That's a shitty thing to have in the back of your mind. Wondering how long you have to live? I mean...all of us are going to die at some point, but for most of us it's not something we think about because without the presence of disease it seems so far away and not front and center. The doctor talked about chemo to "prolong your life", which I told Ben makes me think "well, i'm going to die from this....but when?"
Prolong your life. Ugh.
For now the game plan is to hold tight. We go back up in December for more scans and possible biopsies. The oncologist wants to see if there is some genetic mutation that would indicate a certain type of treatment that would work better than others. He also knows that I don't tolerate chemo very well, and doesn't want to put me through that if it's not something that will be effective. After the next appointments there will be more chemo for sure...we just aren't sure what it will be.
So - I have cried a few tears and I'm sure will cry many more. But i woke up today, had my coffee, did yoga, worked on some things around the house, went to conferences, paid some bills....life goes on in spite of everything.
I will say this...it is hard to reconcile all of this with my faith. I know Ben is really struggling with his relationship with God these days, and I worry about the boys too. Charlie is going through confirmation right now and reading the book of Luke. There's a lot of stories of Jesus healing sick people in that book. Makes it difficult to reconcile why He doesn't seem to be healing me? Taking this sickness away? Why cancer is even a THING? Charlie said last night "millions and millions of dollars going to research cancer and they STILL can't figure it out?"
Right?
And clinging to hope seems to be backfiring on me every time! I was so hopeful going into these last appointments. Getting your hopes dashed over and over makes having hope a bit difficult.
But I will keep praying. I will keep the conversation with Him going. I will try to remain as faith-full as I can.
Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS for the Lord your God is with you. Joshua 1:9
Monday, October 21, 2019
Heading back to Mayo
Today is here. I've been thinking about this day for the past 5 weeks - but also trying very hard not to think of this day for the past 5 weeks. On the one hand, it's Charlie's 13th birthday. My youngest is now a teenager. Why does time have to fly so quickly?
When the boys were 6, 4, and 1 1/2 we took a vacation to a resort in Minnesota. On a rainy day we went to the bowling alley in the little town nearby. As we were getting things set up and dealing with the chaos that comes with 3 small children, another family walked in to bowl away their rainy day. While the dad was up paying, the mom walked down to the lanes with her 3 boys...all teenagers and taller than her. That moment struck me then and sticks with me so vividly even now. I remember stopping at that moment and thinking "some day that will be me". And being so happy with my "babies" at the time - while thinking I couldn't possibly imagine what life would be like when the boys were that old.
And here we are.
I am now "that mom". Tyler and Sammy are both taller than me, and I have no doubt that Charlie will pass me by in the next few years. They are all teenagers. Tyler will graduate in the spring. And that moment is still so clear in my mind. I couldn't have imagined then what life would throw our way. Crazy.
So...here we are. I finished radiation about 5 weeks ago. Moved out of my apartment - which was very nice, but i was so happy to get out of there. My doctor told me to go home, rest, enjoy not having treatment, and gain some weight. Check, check, check, aaaaannnd check.
I have had a wonderful break. I've been feeling so good while i've been home. No pain, very little nausea, decent energy. I've been enjoying feeling normal for a while and doing all the normal things I used to do. I even was able to take a few classes at the fitness center! I am 100% out of shape so that is hard, but it was nice to be back there, to see familiar faces, and to get a little exercise. I've done a billion loads of laundry, picked up kids from football practices, gotten to see Charlie's games and Tyler and Sammy's last home XC meet. We had family pictures, I had a wonderful weekend with my high school girlfriends, and just finished a fun family weekend to UNI (also celebrating Charlie's birthday).
And i have gained enough weight that my pants are all feeling a bit snug. :)
I have thanked God every night for another great day of feeling like my old self. I know the boys have also loved having their "old mom" back. It truly has been a blessing and I have cherished every moment.
And during this time I've been trying hard to not think about today and the next few days. We head back to Rochester this afternoon. I have a CT scan tomorrow and consultations with intestinal teams. On Wednesday it's the PET/MRI and consults with the surgeon. (we also head back next week for appointments with vascular surgery)
There are big decisions to be made in the next couple of days, and I honestly still have no idea how we are going to make them. We are thankful that Dr Truty (surgeon) has even considered taking me on as a patient. It's a big, big, scary surgery - there are a lot of "ifs" and it would definitely be life changing for me. But we are thankful that we at least have this option in front of us.
The next few days are going to be very trying and difficult and, to be honest, a bit terrifying.
We certainly appreciate any and all prayers for my scans, for the results, for the doctors, for the boys and the rest of my family, and for the future.
I have a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
There are a number of prayers that are really good.
Father, I feel a little lost right now. Please guide me in all the decisions to be made, and help me to trust Your truth more than my feelings.
Lord, thank you for doctors and nurses and researchers who are trying to cure cancer. I ask today that Your super-natural healing power would be released to heal the cancer in each cell that you created.
Dear Lord, I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family. It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us. Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life.
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
When the boys were 6, 4, and 1 1/2 we took a vacation to a resort in Minnesota. On a rainy day we went to the bowling alley in the little town nearby. As we were getting things set up and dealing with the chaos that comes with 3 small children, another family walked in to bowl away their rainy day. While the dad was up paying, the mom walked down to the lanes with her 3 boys...all teenagers and taller than her. That moment struck me then and sticks with me so vividly even now. I remember stopping at that moment and thinking "some day that will be me". And being so happy with my "babies" at the time - while thinking I couldn't possibly imagine what life would be like when the boys were that old.
And here we are.
I am now "that mom". Tyler and Sammy are both taller than me, and I have no doubt that Charlie will pass me by in the next few years. They are all teenagers. Tyler will graduate in the spring. And that moment is still so clear in my mind. I couldn't have imagined then what life would throw our way. Crazy.
So...here we are. I finished radiation about 5 weeks ago. Moved out of my apartment - which was very nice, but i was so happy to get out of there. My doctor told me to go home, rest, enjoy not having treatment, and gain some weight. Check, check, check, aaaaannnd check.
I have had a wonderful break. I've been feeling so good while i've been home. No pain, very little nausea, decent energy. I've been enjoying feeling normal for a while and doing all the normal things I used to do. I even was able to take a few classes at the fitness center! I am 100% out of shape so that is hard, but it was nice to be back there, to see familiar faces, and to get a little exercise. I've done a billion loads of laundry, picked up kids from football practices, gotten to see Charlie's games and Tyler and Sammy's last home XC meet. We had family pictures, I had a wonderful weekend with my high school girlfriends, and just finished a fun family weekend to UNI (also celebrating Charlie's birthday).
And i have gained enough weight that my pants are all feeling a bit snug. :)
I have thanked God every night for another great day of feeling like my old self. I know the boys have also loved having their "old mom" back. It truly has been a blessing and I have cherished every moment.
And during this time I've been trying hard to not think about today and the next few days. We head back to Rochester this afternoon. I have a CT scan tomorrow and consultations with intestinal teams. On Wednesday it's the PET/MRI and consults with the surgeon. (we also head back next week for appointments with vascular surgery)
There are big decisions to be made in the next couple of days, and I honestly still have no idea how we are going to make them. We are thankful that Dr Truty (surgeon) has even considered taking me on as a patient. It's a big, big, scary surgery - there are a lot of "ifs" and it would definitely be life changing for me. But we are thankful that we at least have this option in front of us.
The next few days are going to be very trying and difficult and, to be honest, a bit terrifying.
We certainly appreciate any and all prayers for my scans, for the results, for the doctors, for the boys and the rest of my family, and for the future.
I have a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
There are a number of prayers that are really good.
Father, I feel a little lost right now. Please guide me in all the decisions to be made, and help me to trust Your truth more than my feelings.
Lord, thank you for doctors and nurses and researchers who are trying to cure cancer. I ask today that Your super-natural healing power would be released to heal the cancer in each cell that you created.
Dear Lord, I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family. It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us. Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life.
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Sunday, September 15, 2019
an update
It's been a while. I keep posting "updates" on Facebook since more people seem to use it and check it regularly. I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately though, so here I am.
I made it through the radiation treatments and time away from home. It actually went much more quickly than I thought it would. I'm happy to not have to go back up there, and very happy not to be in the apartment anymore. It was a really nice place; clean, modern, spacious - nothing to complain about for sure. However, it smelled. I'm super sensitive to smells and whoever lived there before us must have used Gain laundry detergent or dryer sheets or something bc the minute you walked in the door you were hit with a wall of scent. Or, at least I was. I highly doubt it bothered anyone else, but it made me nauseated the
minute i walked in the door. We tried having the windows open as much as possible and got some candles, but nothing seemed to work.
In any case, i won't miss that.
Now i'm home for about 4-6 weeks to let my body recover from radiation and chemo. My oncologist advised me to just enjoy being home and not having any kind of treatments. I still struggle with nausea (ugh) and staying hydrated is proving difficult. Nothing sounds good to drink and I feel like when I do drink something i feel like it makes me more nauseated. No fun.
I'm hoping to be more active while i'm home, if the pain will stay away. And by "active" I mean like taking a stroll/walk every now and then.
And trying not to think about all of the "what nexts". I know for sure I will have to go up for more scans (the whole battery) so the surgeons can look at them and decide if they can do anything. It's really scary for me to think about, so I try to keep my mind off it. There's a lot of "what ifs" when I think about the what nexts...
I'm happy to be able to be here to enjoy the boys' activities. Charlie will have his first football game this week. I will be able to go watch the boys run XC this week and be here for the homecoming festivities. All good stuff.
Trying to plan for family pictures (ie: trying to figure out what the heck we will be wearing) as well as Tyler's senior pictures.
Charlie was on his phone the other day and said "mom, have you heard of this?". It was some article about something in a certain wasp that supposedly can fight cancer. He said "i see stuff like this all the time".
Totally broke my heart. I hate that at the age of 12 he's reading articles about possible cancer fighters and is already alarmed that the pharmaceutical companies are more interested in money than finding a cure (yep, he actually said that). I wish he didn't have to have this weighing on him. It's been weighing on ME that he's been thinking about stuff like that. Takes me to the "what ifs" and what he might have to deal with. Hard not to think about all of it.
Another thing that's been weighing on me for some reason is church.
I know, right?
Well, the thing is...we just don't go. I'm not sure why it's not a priority for me, but for some reason it's just not. I've still been working on reading the bible, still praying, still feel secure in my relationship with God...but church? Just can't seem to get there. Charlie will be going through confirmation soon, and part of that is church attendance....so we will have to be better about getting there. Makes me feel even more guilt about not going!
My devotional this morning started out like this:
Rest in Me, my child. This time devoted to Me is meant to be peaceful, not stressful. You don't have to perform in order to receive My love.
I love when stuff like that happens. I haven't picked up my devotional in a few weeks, and this is how today's passage began? I know God could hear what was on my heart and sent me to the devotional this morning. I needed that.
Lead me by Your truth and teach me, for You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You. Psalm 25:5
I made it through the radiation treatments and time away from home. It actually went much more quickly than I thought it would. I'm happy to not have to go back up there, and very happy not to be in the apartment anymore. It was a really nice place; clean, modern, spacious - nothing to complain about for sure. However, it smelled. I'm super sensitive to smells and whoever lived there before us must have used Gain laundry detergent or dryer sheets or something bc the minute you walked in the door you were hit with a wall of scent. Or, at least I was. I highly doubt it bothered anyone else, but it made me nauseated the
minute i walked in the door. We tried having the windows open as much as possible and got some candles, but nothing seemed to work.
In any case, i won't miss that.
Now i'm home for about 4-6 weeks to let my body recover from radiation and chemo. My oncologist advised me to just enjoy being home and not having any kind of treatments. I still struggle with nausea (ugh) and staying hydrated is proving difficult. Nothing sounds good to drink and I feel like when I do drink something i feel like it makes me more nauseated. No fun.
I'm hoping to be more active while i'm home, if the pain will stay away. And by "active" I mean like taking a stroll/walk every now and then.
And trying not to think about all of the "what nexts". I know for sure I will have to go up for more scans (the whole battery) so the surgeons can look at them and decide if they can do anything. It's really scary for me to think about, so I try to keep my mind off it. There's a lot of "what ifs" when I think about the what nexts...
I'm happy to be able to be here to enjoy the boys' activities. Charlie will have his first football game this week. I will be able to go watch the boys run XC this week and be here for the homecoming festivities. All good stuff.
Trying to plan for family pictures (ie: trying to figure out what the heck we will be wearing) as well as Tyler's senior pictures.
Charlie was on his phone the other day and said "mom, have you heard of this?". It was some article about something in a certain wasp that supposedly can fight cancer. He said "i see stuff like this all the time".
Totally broke my heart. I hate that at the age of 12 he's reading articles about possible cancer fighters and is already alarmed that the pharmaceutical companies are more interested in money than finding a cure (yep, he actually said that). I wish he didn't have to have this weighing on him. It's been weighing on ME that he's been thinking about stuff like that. Takes me to the "what ifs" and what he might have to deal with. Hard not to think about all of it.
Another thing that's been weighing on me for some reason is church.
I know, right?
Well, the thing is...we just don't go. I'm not sure why it's not a priority for me, but for some reason it's just not. I've still been working on reading the bible, still praying, still feel secure in my relationship with God...but church? Just can't seem to get there. Charlie will be going through confirmation soon, and part of that is church attendance....so we will have to be better about getting there. Makes me feel even more guilt about not going!
My devotional this morning started out like this:
Rest in Me, my child. This time devoted to Me is meant to be peaceful, not stressful. You don't have to perform in order to receive My love.
I love when stuff like that happens. I haven't picked up my devotional in a few weeks, and this is how today's passage began? I know God could hear what was on my heart and sent me to the devotional this morning. I needed that.
Lead me by Your truth and teach me, for You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You. Psalm 25:5
Friday, July 5, 2019
when....
I've been putting updates on Facebook - since it seems like more people check there more often and it's easy for me to post from the car on the way home from Rochester - so i've been neglecting this blog a bit. However, this is always a good way for me to just say what's on my mind and gives me a little mental release. I need to remember that for myself.
So, recent trip to Mayo was okay. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say it was great? That we got amazing news? I know my kids are hoping that every time. I hate having to tell them - the tumor is still there. i still have cancer.
Anyway, everything is the same scan-wise, and the dr feels like it's time to move on to the "next step" in treatment which will be radiation/chemo. We will get scheduled for appointments with radiology sometime in the next few weeks. There will be a bit of "set up" work, and then we will get rolling. It will be 5 weeks of daily radiation along with a pill form of chemo. I'm not overly concerned with radiation, but the daily chemo scares the bejeebers out of me.
The other thing is that I might have to move up to Rochester for 5 weeks. My doctor acted like that was what he personally would want, but will leave that up to the radiologist to decide. Not the ideal situation for me, but I know I can do it (like all of this....i know i can, i just wish i didn't have to).
In the meantime, I have been feeling really well. I have some pain every now and then, but nothing that knocks me down too much. My energy level is pretty good. I can go for walks and keep up with the dog - which if you know my dog that's not an easy feat. I'm hoping to maybe start up with some yoga soon. My body is so stiff and tight, i could use some stretching! And on the definite "plus" side, I don't have to have the heavy hitting chemo anymore. To be honest, that was the one thing I was hoping for from the Mayo visit. Please, just no more chemo and sickness.
Charlie asked me a question a few weeks ago that threw me for a loop. It was a simple question that turned pretty profound to me very quickly.
He asked, "Mom...when you are cured from this, will you go back to work?"
It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless for a minute. Not about thinking about going back to work....but the fact that he so matter-of-factly said "when you are cured..."
I had to stop myself from saying "well....if i get cured..."
In his head it is so clearly a question of WHEN. There's no IF.
And it got me to thinking....maybe I need a bit of an attitude adjustment. Maybe I should start thinking more in terms of when and not if.
It's definitely something that will take some work. I am always trying to focus on the positives and keep a general positive attitude. But changing an if to a when is no small task.
Challenge accepted.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you
In God, whose word I praise --
in God I trust and am not afraid.
Psalm 56:3-4
So, recent trip to Mayo was okay. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say it was great? That we got amazing news? I know my kids are hoping that every time. I hate having to tell them - the tumor is still there. i still have cancer.
Anyway, everything is the same scan-wise, and the dr feels like it's time to move on to the "next step" in treatment which will be radiation/chemo. We will get scheduled for appointments with radiology sometime in the next few weeks. There will be a bit of "set up" work, and then we will get rolling. It will be 5 weeks of daily radiation along with a pill form of chemo. I'm not overly concerned with radiation, but the daily chemo scares the bejeebers out of me.
The other thing is that I might have to move up to Rochester for 5 weeks. My doctor acted like that was what he personally would want, but will leave that up to the radiologist to decide. Not the ideal situation for me, but I know I can do it (like all of this....i know i can, i just wish i didn't have to).
In the meantime, I have been feeling really well. I have some pain every now and then, but nothing that knocks me down too much. My energy level is pretty good. I can go for walks and keep up with the dog - which if you know my dog that's not an easy feat. I'm hoping to maybe start up with some yoga soon. My body is so stiff and tight, i could use some stretching! And on the definite "plus" side, I don't have to have the heavy hitting chemo anymore. To be honest, that was the one thing I was hoping for from the Mayo visit. Please, just no more chemo and sickness.
Charlie asked me a question a few weeks ago that threw me for a loop. It was a simple question that turned pretty profound to me very quickly.
He asked, "Mom...when you are cured from this, will you go back to work?"
It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless for a minute. Not about thinking about going back to work....but the fact that he so matter-of-factly said "when you are cured..."
I had to stop myself from saying "well....if i get cured..."
In his head it is so clearly a question of WHEN. There's no IF.
And it got me to thinking....maybe I need a bit of an attitude adjustment. Maybe I should start thinking more in terms of when and not if.
It's definitely something that will take some work. I am always trying to focus on the positives and keep a general positive attitude. But changing an if to a when is no small task.
Challenge accepted.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you
In God, whose word I praise --
in God I trust and am not afraid.
Psalm 56:3-4
Monday, June 3, 2019
no chemo again
Most of you probably know since I posted it on FB, but I couldn't have chemo again last week. WBC was up, but still not high enough for chemo. Double edged sword again...but choosing to focus on the positives (thanks to some prompting from my friend Erin). I'm feeling good, and definitely enjoying it! Baseball games, time with friends and family, time on the boat, a little more energy, not being sick...can't complain about any of that! Trying to stay focused on trusting God and His timing and the many blessings he has showered upon me.
I gained 2 lbs! Something to celebrate. Hoping to put on a few more before Thursday. My appetite is HEALTHY, so that's also something to be happy about. Still trying to take it easy on the sugar (which is definitely harder some days than others). I wish I was putting on some muscle, but I will embrace these little pockets of fat i'm putting on. I look at these models on tv and in ads who are so thin (i feel gross and they're smaller than me!) - and all I can think is "i sure hope you don't get sick cause there's nothing for you to rely on if you start dropping weight". Have a little in your reserve tank people cause you just never know.
But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "My times are in Your hands"
Psalm 31: 14-15
I gained 2 lbs! Something to celebrate. Hoping to put on a few more before Thursday. My appetite is HEALTHY, so that's also something to be happy about. Still trying to take it easy on the sugar (which is definitely harder some days than others). I wish I was putting on some muscle, but I will embrace these little pockets of fat i'm putting on. I look at these models on tv and in ads who are so thin (i feel gross and they're smaller than me!) - and all I can think is "i sure hope you don't get sick cause there's nothing for you to rely on if you start dropping weight". Have a little in your reserve tank people cause you just never know.
But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "My times are in Your hands"
Psalm 31: 14-15
Monday, May 20, 2019
ups and downs
Well, this past round was BRUTAL - and i mean ALL CAPS brutal. I reacted. Which means i felt my face getting really hot and then my stomach started cramping. They stopped the drugs...i had horrible awful cramps for idk how long (my mom said it took about an hour for everything to "calm down")...and then they started up again. Yup. I can remember thinking as I was writhing in pain (quite literally) that I so wished my mom wasn't there to see all of this. How hard that must be.
And then, I spiked a fever and my heart rate went up. So I went straight from oncology to the ER, where I got to spend 6+ hours. (along with my rockstar parents who sat there with me) I got to the hospital around 8:30 that morning and went home a bit past midnight. Fun, right? No. Really.Not.Fun.
Spent the next day (my birthday) being very sick and Saturday still not feeling so hot and Sunday not feeling so great either. Sunday was depressing. I just hate feeling like that so SO much and it really brings me down. Ben was having a tough day as well. We talked and shed some tears. He struggles cause he tries to be the positive reinforcement around here. For me and the boys. That's a tough gig. He needs a good cry every now and then - even tho that's really hard for him. But it does help. I know I need it more than every now and then. And it's hard for me too cause somehow it feels like i'm "giving in" to negative feelings, but i need to think of it more like "getting it out". No matter. It's just hard no matter what and this whole thing sucks.
Today was better. Well...it started off pretty awful cause my dog decided to pee all over the den. The SMELL woke me up at 5am. Yeah. Dis.Gus.Ting. Spent about 1/2 hour scrubbing floors to try to clean it up. Bad thing is, we have wood floors. Kinda sucks it all in. EW. Put out a diffuser with peppermint oil (supposed to be clarifying). Went back to bed and did manage to fall back asleep for a little while.
Cleaned the kitchen and threw in a load of laundry and then felt like I needed a nap from all that exertion. I get tired very easily.
Tonight was baseball baseball baseball. Literally. All 3 boys played tonight. My mom came with me in case i needed to be dropped off close to the field, but I managed to get to and fro okay. And that's something cause she's a "fair weather" fan...and tonight wasn't fair weather. BRR! We went to the JV game and left early to get to Charlie's game. Of course that meant that Sammy made a double play and hit a walk off to end the game...go figure. Charlie cracks me up when he plays. He's such a social kid - loves to pitch and catch so he can interact with every player from the other team. After his game a quick stop home for charlie to put on warm clothes and for me to throw together some PB&Js for Sammy (and Charlie and me!) then back to the field for the varsity game. Needless to say, it was a long night...but I felt so GOOD. Doing all that normal stuff just makes me feel so much better. I'm thankful my stomach felt okay and my guts held it together so I could do all of it.
And now I'm up past midnight cause uniforms need to be washed (more games tomorrow).
And i'm totally fine with that.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1
And then, I spiked a fever and my heart rate went up. So I went straight from oncology to the ER, where I got to spend 6+ hours. (along with my rockstar parents who sat there with me) I got to the hospital around 8:30 that morning and went home a bit past midnight. Fun, right? No. Really.Not.Fun.
Spent the next day (my birthday) being very sick and Saturday still not feeling so hot and Sunday not feeling so great either. Sunday was depressing. I just hate feeling like that so SO much and it really brings me down. Ben was having a tough day as well. We talked and shed some tears. He struggles cause he tries to be the positive reinforcement around here. For me and the boys. That's a tough gig. He needs a good cry every now and then - even tho that's really hard for him. But it does help. I know I need it more than every now and then. And it's hard for me too cause somehow it feels like i'm "giving in" to negative feelings, but i need to think of it more like "getting it out". No matter. It's just hard no matter what and this whole thing sucks.
Today was better. Well...it started off pretty awful cause my dog decided to pee all over the den. The SMELL woke me up at 5am. Yeah. Dis.Gus.Ting. Spent about 1/2 hour scrubbing floors to try to clean it up. Bad thing is, we have wood floors. Kinda sucks it all in. EW. Put out a diffuser with peppermint oil (supposed to be clarifying). Went back to bed and did manage to fall back asleep for a little while.
Cleaned the kitchen and threw in a load of laundry and then felt like I needed a nap from all that exertion. I get tired very easily.
Tonight was baseball baseball baseball. Literally. All 3 boys played tonight. My mom came with me in case i needed to be dropped off close to the field, but I managed to get to and fro okay. And that's something cause she's a "fair weather" fan...and tonight wasn't fair weather. BRR! We went to the JV game and left early to get to Charlie's game. Of course that meant that Sammy made a double play and hit a walk off to end the game...go figure. Charlie cracks me up when he plays. He's such a social kid - loves to pitch and catch so he can interact with every player from the other team. After his game a quick stop home for charlie to put on warm clothes and for me to throw together some PB&Js for Sammy (and Charlie and me!) then back to the field for the varsity game. Needless to say, it was a long night...but I felt so GOOD. Doing all that normal stuff just makes me feel so much better. I'm thankful my stomach felt okay and my guts held it together so I could do all of it.
And now I'm up past midnight cause uniforms need to be washed (more games tomorrow).
And i'm totally fine with that.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1
Monday, May 13, 2019
pour some sugar on me (ha! good luck getting rid of that earworm)
Last weeks chemo treatment was a little different because there were no doctors there that day. With no doctor there, I can't have a couple of the drugs they usually give me. I call them the "heavy hitters". They are the ones that are supposedly most effective...and also the ones that make me the most sick (and sometimes react to). In any case, in the absence of those 2, i actually managed the treatment pretty well. Didn't throw up at all (!!!) and was pretty much ready to be up and eating the next day. Good things.
Eating. My weight has dipped pretty low (for me anyway). Since the pain came back my appetite hasn't been great and so I had dropped a couple pounds before I started chemo again. Then the first treatment knocked me down for about 3 days and even by day 4 I was still struggling a bit trying to eat anything. Lemme tell ya...that's a vicious cycle! If I don't eat and barely drink anything for 3 days (and puke up anything that is in my body), I get very weak and dehydrated...which makes me feel sick, which makes me feel like not eating or drinking. Oof. I stepped on the scale the Monday after and was pretty appalled at the number that popped up. I know I can't go into a treatment with a weight that low...so trying to gain back some weight is important. In addition, i'm trying to eat 'better'...really trying to limit sugar as much as possible and have also decided to go a little more vegetarian. In all the books, online articles, etc that I read they all recommend eliminating animal products (most suggest going vegan - but I just can't go quite that far) and eliminating sugar. So there's that too. I'm not that big of a meat eater anyway, so that part doesn't seem too difficult. Sugar however...another story.
Now, having said that, yesterday was Mother's Day and I really wanted lemon poppyseed muffins. So I ate them. Gotta allow myself little "celebration" treats I think. My birthday is this week and my mom is making me a cake. I LOOOOVE cake. And dang if I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday...
not on my actual birthday though. That's Friday and I'm pretty sure I will be in bed or in the bathroom. Ew.
I will be celebrating this week and probably a little next week.
For now, i'm feeling pretty good. Pain is still an issue. The weather is shaping up and I'm insanely jealous of all the people i see walking/jogging/riding bikes on the lake trail. What I wouldn't give...
Fortunately, I am fairly comfortable sitting down, so i can still go out and plant flowers etc. That's on my agenda this week. My mom has been buying me all kinds of beautiful things to put in my garden, and Ben and I went out to the nursery Saturday and I picked out some things for myself as well.
THAT was something to celebrate. I went to the nursery and walked around and got to look at all the beautiful plants and flowers. And THEN Ben Tyler Sam and I all went to the grocery store together (Charlie was at a ball tournament). Don't ask me why, but something about going to the grocery store as a family gives me incredible joy. I took a cart and did all the produce shopping. That's one thing about not doing my own shopping that I don't like. I like to pick out my own fruits and veggies. The boys took off with Ben and conquered the rest of the list and managed to throw in a few things that I normally would say "no" to. :)
Sammy's comment "i like shopping with dad...he doesn't say no to stuff"
There's baseball, elementary track meet, warmer temps, and birthday celebrating these next 3 days. I will fill up my bucket til it's absolutely overflowing before Thursday gets here.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Eating. My weight has dipped pretty low (for me anyway). Since the pain came back my appetite hasn't been great and so I had dropped a couple pounds before I started chemo again. Then the first treatment knocked me down for about 3 days and even by day 4 I was still struggling a bit trying to eat anything. Lemme tell ya...that's a vicious cycle! If I don't eat and barely drink anything for 3 days (and puke up anything that is in my body), I get very weak and dehydrated...which makes me feel sick, which makes me feel like not eating or drinking. Oof. I stepped on the scale the Monday after and was pretty appalled at the number that popped up. I know I can't go into a treatment with a weight that low...so trying to gain back some weight is important. In addition, i'm trying to eat 'better'...really trying to limit sugar as much as possible and have also decided to go a little more vegetarian. In all the books, online articles, etc that I read they all recommend eliminating animal products (most suggest going vegan - but I just can't go quite that far) and eliminating sugar. So there's that too. I'm not that big of a meat eater anyway, so that part doesn't seem too difficult. Sugar however...another story.
Now, having said that, yesterday was Mother's Day and I really wanted lemon poppyseed muffins. So I ate them. Gotta allow myself little "celebration" treats I think. My birthday is this week and my mom is making me a cake. I LOOOOVE cake. And dang if I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday...
not on my actual birthday though. That's Friday and I'm pretty sure I will be in bed or in the bathroom. Ew.
I will be celebrating this week and probably a little next week.
For now, i'm feeling pretty good. Pain is still an issue. The weather is shaping up and I'm insanely jealous of all the people i see walking/jogging/riding bikes on the lake trail. What I wouldn't give...
Fortunately, I am fairly comfortable sitting down, so i can still go out and plant flowers etc. That's on my agenda this week. My mom has been buying me all kinds of beautiful things to put in my garden, and Ben and I went out to the nursery Saturday and I picked out some things for myself as well.
THAT was something to celebrate. I went to the nursery and walked around and got to look at all the beautiful plants and flowers. And THEN Ben Tyler Sam and I all went to the grocery store together (Charlie was at a ball tournament). Don't ask me why, but something about going to the grocery store as a family gives me incredible joy. I took a cart and did all the produce shopping. That's one thing about not doing my own shopping that I don't like. I like to pick out my own fruits and veggies. The boys took off with Ben and conquered the rest of the list and managed to throw in a few things that I normally would say "no" to. :)
Sammy's comment "i like shopping with dad...he doesn't say no to stuff"
There's baseball, elementary track meet, warmer temps, and birthday celebrating these next 3 days. I will fill up my bucket til it's absolutely overflowing before Thursday gets here.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
depressing (sorry)
It's May. Normally I would be looking forward to Mother's Day, my birthday, warmer weather, planting flowers, the beginning of baseball season. Instead i'm dreading the start of another round of chemo.
My drs up at Mayo want me to do a 6 week chemo session with a bunch of new meds. I'm very nervous about it all. Not sure how I will tolerate the new drugs. Not looking forward to being sick. Really scared about one of the drugs they want me to try (one I reacted to 10 years ago). They feel like we need to really attack the cancer and this is their best recommendation.
I've also started some energy medicine/frequency therapy with a friend of mine. It's intriguing...and worth a shot.
I'm struggling with a lot of pain. Not gonna lie...it's making me a little (sometimes a lot) depressed. I'm uncomfortable most of the time...gets pretty frustrating. I'm on a steady diet of painkillers (tylenol/advil and hydrocodone at night)...which i absolutely hate and am not even sure if they help all that much. I hate having a night stand full of pill bottles.
Napping a lot as well since I don't sleep well at night.
Still reading the Bible, but honestly haven't had anything jump out at me lately. I know He is with me and i'm trying desperately to trust, believe, hope, etc.
Thanks always for your prayers. I could use some now for comfort and hope. I will keep fighting, but I will definitely need your help in the ring.
My drs up at Mayo want me to do a 6 week chemo session with a bunch of new meds. I'm very nervous about it all. Not sure how I will tolerate the new drugs. Not looking forward to being sick. Really scared about one of the drugs they want me to try (one I reacted to 10 years ago). They feel like we need to really attack the cancer and this is their best recommendation.
I've also started some energy medicine/frequency therapy with a friend of mine. It's intriguing...and worth a shot.
I'm struggling with a lot of pain. Not gonna lie...it's making me a little (sometimes a lot) depressed. I'm uncomfortable most of the time...gets pretty frustrating. I'm on a steady diet of painkillers (tylenol/advil and hydrocodone at night)...which i absolutely hate and am not even sure if they help all that much. I hate having a night stand full of pill bottles.
Napping a lot as well since I don't sleep well at night.
Still reading the Bible, but honestly haven't had anything jump out at me lately. I know He is with me and i'm trying desperately to trust, believe, hope, etc.
Thanks always for your prayers. I could use some now for comfort and hope. I will keep fighting, but I will definitely need your help in the ring.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
no fair!
There was a thunderstorm last night. I woke up to the first faint "rumble" in the distance and then laid there watching and listening as the storm grew closer and closer. There were some pretty big lightning flashes and some loud claps of thunder. I was awake for it all. Something about thunderstorms just makes me anxious. Or maybe I wake up out of habit from when the boys were little and would get scared and come into our room. I miss those days. Being able to pick them up and put them in bed with us...give them a hug and a kiss and have them snuggle up against me cause it made them feel safe....somehow making me feel safe as well.
The dog still comes in. She apparently gets anxious with storms as well, cause about a minute after I woke up she was by my bedside. I'm not about to pick her up and put her in bed with us, but i did pet her a bit and then she settled in at the foot of the bed. And I still laid there....awake.
So i tried to sleep in a little this morning, which didn't work out very well. Tossed and turned.
All this to say...I didn't get much sleep last night. And my attitude this morning is poor. Not sure if the two are related or not.
I'm feeling very "woe is me" this morning. Prepping and juicing carrots made me crabby. I don't want to have to drink carrot juice every day! This sucks.
And I've been feeling guilty about everything i eat that's NOT a vegetable or fruit. Well, that sucks too! I don't want to feel guilty for eating food that I enjoy.
I'm constantly thinking about how i shouldn't eat this or that or shouldn't have eaten that and how i "should" eat another salad and more vegetables, and "should" be eating healthy all the time. I blame the book "Chris Beat Cancer" for the eating "shoulds". It's a good book with lots of good information....but his big push is eating vegan and flooding your body with good fruits (berries) and vegetables. It gave me a giant guilt trip.
And then I think about how healthy I was before this cancer hit. I had a physical up at Mayo and they were gushing about how great my cardiovascular health was as well as all my vitamin levels. I wasn't deficient in anything. I never ate "perfectly" but I always tried to eat fruits and veggies. I was HEALTHY. And now this. This sucks!!
There are lots of people out there who don't eat healthy at all, and don't exercise at all (or rarely) and THEY don't get cancer. Not fair.
To quote my mother, "Life's not fair". Boy was she right.
So as I'm prepping carrots and bitching in my head I'm also thinking about my daily Bible reading that comes after the carrot juice is made. I'm grumbling about it. I don't even want to read it today cause truth be told I'm a little irritated with God and the unfairness of all of this. So I say a quick prayer, "God...could you send me some kind of sign cause I am feeling all kinds of negativity...some of it towards You!"
I read the Bible. Nothing.
I read the Psalm for the day...really nothing. Didn't even understand it.
I read my devotional : "Trust in Me every detail of your life" it says. "Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love me." Well, I love You and things don't seem to be fitting into a 'pattern of good' lately.
And then I read my daily reading from a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
The title for today's reading is "That's Not Fair".
Well now.
The author talks about how getting cancer is just plain NOT FAIR. (she herself had colon cancer)
She says, "And another question i never voiced but really wanted answered: If God really loved me so much, why did He allow an unfair thing like cancer to strike my life?"
Yes. Me. Today.
And she ends with a prayer:
Dear Lord,
I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family. It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us. Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life. I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Wow.
Lord, thank you for listening to me when I pray, and for knowing exactly what I needed to hear this morning.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
The dog still comes in. She apparently gets anxious with storms as well, cause about a minute after I woke up she was by my bedside. I'm not about to pick her up and put her in bed with us, but i did pet her a bit and then she settled in at the foot of the bed. And I still laid there....awake.
So i tried to sleep in a little this morning, which didn't work out very well. Tossed and turned.
All this to say...I didn't get much sleep last night. And my attitude this morning is poor. Not sure if the two are related or not.
I'm feeling very "woe is me" this morning. Prepping and juicing carrots made me crabby. I don't want to have to drink carrot juice every day! This sucks.
And I've been feeling guilty about everything i eat that's NOT a vegetable or fruit. Well, that sucks too! I don't want to feel guilty for eating food that I enjoy.
I'm constantly thinking about how i shouldn't eat this or that or shouldn't have eaten that and how i "should" eat another salad and more vegetables, and "should" be eating healthy all the time. I blame the book "Chris Beat Cancer" for the eating "shoulds". It's a good book with lots of good information....but his big push is eating vegan and flooding your body with good fruits (berries) and vegetables. It gave me a giant guilt trip.
And then I think about how healthy I was before this cancer hit. I had a physical up at Mayo and they were gushing about how great my cardiovascular health was as well as all my vitamin levels. I wasn't deficient in anything. I never ate "perfectly" but I always tried to eat fruits and veggies. I was HEALTHY. And now this. This sucks!!
There are lots of people out there who don't eat healthy at all, and don't exercise at all (or rarely) and THEY don't get cancer. Not fair.
To quote my mother, "Life's not fair". Boy was she right.
So as I'm prepping carrots and bitching in my head I'm also thinking about my daily Bible reading that comes after the carrot juice is made. I'm grumbling about it. I don't even want to read it today cause truth be told I'm a little irritated with God and the unfairness of all of this. So I say a quick prayer, "God...could you send me some kind of sign cause I am feeling all kinds of negativity...some of it towards You!"
I read the Bible. Nothing.
I read the Psalm for the day...really nothing. Didn't even understand it.
I read my devotional : "Trust in Me every detail of your life" it says. "Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love me." Well, I love You and things don't seem to be fitting into a 'pattern of good' lately.
And then I read my daily reading from a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
The title for today's reading is "That's Not Fair".
Well now.
The author talks about how getting cancer is just plain NOT FAIR. (she herself had colon cancer)
She says, "And another question i never voiced but really wanted answered: If God really loved me so much, why did He allow an unfair thing like cancer to strike my life?"
Yes. Me. Today.
And she ends with a prayer:
Dear Lord,
I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family. It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us. Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life. I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Wow.
Lord, thank you for listening to me when I pray, and for knowing exactly what I needed to hear this morning.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Monday, April 8, 2019
post Chicago
Chicago was PERFECT. It really was a perfect trip. I got to see the boys twice - watched Tyler sing at Shed Aquarium and then spent the day with them at the Museum of Science and Industry. Was so great to be in Chicago with them. I cried (twice!) during the Shed performance. Just became completely overwhelmed with the beautiful music and the fact that I was THERE listening to it! And then they finished with Battle Hymn, which always makes me cry.
The rest of the time was spent with a crazy amazing FUN group of friends from high school. Some of whom I haven't seen or talked to in years! We talked and talked and laughed and cried and talked and talked...like time had not passed. I can't wait to see them all again so I can just soak them all in....listen to them, laugh with them, and BE with them. Really....perfect.
The boys also had a great trip with the music department. They did so many fun things. I'm glad they had the opportunity to go.
And now i'm back and LOVING this break from chemo. I nervously e-mailed my oncologist just to make sure that this big ol break was okay with him. He first responded that the other Dr might want to do a couple rounds of one of the drugs before I head back up there. He e-mailed later that he had checked with Dr Yoon and that they decided that this break was okay.
BEST.EMAIL.EVER.
I am beyond thrilled to NOT be doing chemo for the next few weeks. I've been exercising a bit more and just enjoying not being sick. I'm looking forward to prom this coming weekend (and Sammy's birthday) and Easter the following weekend.
Then, we head back up to Rochester for a slew of appointments. We will be there for an entire week (UGH). Should know what the next steps are after that week.
Continued prayers for clear scans and good results are very much appreciated.
I'm still "on the juice"....carrot juice! Drinking my 40oz daily - with a few breaks every now and then cause, well, that's a lot of carrot juice.
Getting in more vegetables is still a challenge. Why is it so dang hard for me to eat more veggies?! I'll continue to work on it.
Otherwise, i'm continuing to enjoy all the little things. Napping almost daily, reading the Bible and a couple other books, trying to keep up with housework, spending time with friends and family, enjoying the weather...got to sit outside yesterday and watch the boys play some spring baseball. I love spring ball...so relaxed and fun to watch.
Thankful for all of these blessings.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever. Psalm 107:1
The rest of the time was spent with a crazy amazing FUN group of friends from high school. Some of whom I haven't seen or talked to in years! We talked and talked and laughed and cried and talked and talked...like time had not passed. I can't wait to see them all again so I can just soak them all in....listen to them, laugh with them, and BE with them. Really....perfect.
The boys also had a great trip with the music department. They did so many fun things. I'm glad they had the opportunity to go.
And now i'm back and LOVING this break from chemo. I nervously e-mailed my oncologist just to make sure that this big ol break was okay with him. He first responded that the other Dr might want to do a couple rounds of one of the drugs before I head back up there. He e-mailed later that he had checked with Dr Yoon and that they decided that this break was okay.
BEST.EMAIL.EVER.
I am beyond thrilled to NOT be doing chemo for the next few weeks. I've been exercising a bit more and just enjoying not being sick. I'm looking forward to prom this coming weekend (and Sammy's birthday) and Easter the following weekend.
Then, we head back up to Rochester for a slew of appointments. We will be there for an entire week (UGH). Should know what the next steps are after that week.
Continued prayers for clear scans and good results are very much appreciated.
I'm still "on the juice"....carrot juice! Drinking my 40oz daily - with a few breaks every now and then cause, well, that's a lot of carrot juice.
Getting in more vegetables is still a challenge. Why is it so dang hard for me to eat more veggies?! I'll continue to work on it.
Otherwise, i'm continuing to enjoy all the little things. Napping almost daily, reading the Bible and a couple other books, trying to keep up with housework, spending time with friends and family, enjoying the weather...got to sit outside yesterday and watch the boys play some spring baseball. I love spring ball...so relaxed and fun to watch.
Thankful for all of these blessings.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever. Psalm 107:1
Monday, March 25, 2019
I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart
I survived another round of chemo...and what should be my last round of chemo for a while! I struck a deal with my oncologist up at mayo for only 4 rounds as opposed to the original 8 he had requested. Now...my next appointments aren't until the end of April and i'm not sure he knew how long of a break there would be, so i'm avoiding contact with him cause i don't want to draw attention to that fact and possibly have him change his mind. :)
And, i really need a break from chemo.
I plan to keep up with the carrot juice and push more vegetables and fruit as well. Hoping to kill it with nutrition. Vegetables are hard....just sayin.
This week i am heading to CHICAGO!! I'm very excited. There are a couple things going on...
1. Tyler and Sammy are going on a music trip and performing with the choir at Shed Aquarium. They had their choir concert last thursday....chemo day...so I couldn't go. Big bummer for me cause I love the choir concert every year.
2. A group of high school friends were wanting to try to get together. One of those friends actually lives in Chicago.....so i suggested that maybe we could all go to Chicago for a girls weekend - with the added bonus that I would be able to go watch the boys perform. And these crazy amazing friends of mine were ALL IN. Talk about your heart feeling like it could explode.
Soooo....a couple of us are driving Wednesday and others are flying in Thursday for what I anticipate being a really. fun. weekend. And I get to see the boys perform! Thankful doesn't touch the surface.
Meanwhile, the weather is finally starting to shape up a bit. The warmer temps got me out of the house last week on a glorious walk with one of my nearest and dearest who lives oh so far away. I love her so.so.much.
And last night one of my most favorite things happened....a stream of boys started arriving at our house to play "league" basketball. Watching them play and listening to them interact and having them come into the house to grab a drink and maybe chat a bit....i can't tell you how much i LOVE it. They all came in to watch the end of the Duke/UCF game (which was quite a finish!). So fun having them all in the family room reacting and cheering and talking about brackets. I am so lucky that my boys have such amazing friends. joy joy joy.
May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
And, i really need a break from chemo.
I plan to keep up with the carrot juice and push more vegetables and fruit as well. Hoping to kill it with nutrition. Vegetables are hard....just sayin.
This week i am heading to CHICAGO!! I'm very excited. There are a couple things going on...
1. Tyler and Sammy are going on a music trip and performing with the choir at Shed Aquarium. They had their choir concert last thursday....chemo day...so I couldn't go. Big bummer for me cause I love the choir concert every year.
2. A group of high school friends were wanting to try to get together. One of those friends actually lives in Chicago.....so i suggested that maybe we could all go to Chicago for a girls weekend - with the added bonus that I would be able to go watch the boys perform. And these crazy amazing friends of mine were ALL IN. Talk about your heart feeling like it could explode.
Soooo....a couple of us are driving Wednesday and others are flying in Thursday for what I anticipate being a really. fun. weekend. And I get to see the boys perform! Thankful doesn't touch the surface.
Meanwhile, the weather is finally starting to shape up a bit. The warmer temps got me out of the house last week on a glorious walk with one of my nearest and dearest who lives oh so far away. I love her so.so.much.
And last night one of my most favorite things happened....a stream of boys started arriving at our house to play "league" basketball. Watching them play and listening to them interact and having them come into the house to grab a drink and maybe chat a bit....i can't tell you how much i LOVE it. They all came in to watch the end of the Duke/UCF game (which was quite a finish!). So fun having them all in the family room reacting and cheering and talking about brackets. I am so lucky that my boys have such amazing friends. joy joy joy.
May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Sunday, March 17, 2019
thank you for being a friend
I have mentioned it before, but really....Golden Girls. If you haven't checked out the re-runs i highly recommend. Sofia. Just sayin.
I was able to top off my bucket again last week with a visit to Algona to spend time with my sisters. Had a great lunch (if you've never been to Algona - it's worth a trip to go to The Chocolate Season for lunch and then buy some of their amazingly beautiful chocolates) and shopped at a really cute boutique. I bought overalls! I am very excited about them. My mom has always told me that you only "have" to do a trend once (and really you don't have to do them at all). Everything comes back around. There are quite a few styles right now that I cannot get behind...the high rise mom jeans and cropped tops? Uh...no thanks.
But overalls? Sign me up.
This week I am looking forward to really filling my bucket. Two of my dearest friends will be in town (one coming in from Alaska!). There is always amazing conversation, laughter, and so much love. The time I spend with them is so precious. Which got me thinking....
...the time I spend with all of my friends is so precious. If i sit and think about all of the incredible people in my life...the word "blessed" just doesn't seem big enough. I get cards and gifts and many times my mom will ask "how do you know that person?" And sometimes its just from a random meeting, or a friend of a friend, or someone who took classes from/with me - but I truly consider all of them - all of YOU - true friends. Not just someone i met once, or "just" an acquaintance. I don't know how or why but God has brought all of these amazing people into my life at one point or another - and there is so much kindness and goodness and intelligence and joy and sadness and heartbreak and LOVE shared between all of us. I have said it before...to sit and think about it is pretty overwhelming - and truly amazing. Spending time with each and every one of you has enhanced my life tremendously. There are no words to thank you enough, but know that i have very genuine love in my heart for each of you.
My devotional today said this (read as though Jesus is speaking):
As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.
I mean.
And now these three remain; faith, hope, and LOVE. But the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
* ALSO - my friend Rhonda (who I thank God for every day and have wondered frequently what I ever did in my life to deserve her incredible friendship) posted a comment on my last blog post with an amazing scripture from Matthew. Highly recommend checking it out.
I was able to top off my bucket again last week with a visit to Algona to spend time with my sisters. Had a great lunch (if you've never been to Algona - it's worth a trip to go to The Chocolate Season for lunch and then buy some of their amazingly beautiful chocolates) and shopped at a really cute boutique. I bought overalls! I am very excited about them. My mom has always told me that you only "have" to do a trend once (and really you don't have to do them at all). Everything comes back around. There are quite a few styles right now that I cannot get behind...the high rise mom jeans and cropped tops? Uh...no thanks.
But overalls? Sign me up.
This week I am looking forward to really filling my bucket. Two of my dearest friends will be in town (one coming in from Alaska!). There is always amazing conversation, laughter, and so much love. The time I spend with them is so precious. Which got me thinking....
...the time I spend with all of my friends is so precious. If i sit and think about all of the incredible people in my life...the word "blessed" just doesn't seem big enough. I get cards and gifts and many times my mom will ask "how do you know that person?" And sometimes its just from a random meeting, or a friend of a friend, or someone who took classes from/with me - but I truly consider all of them - all of YOU - true friends. Not just someone i met once, or "just" an acquaintance. I don't know how or why but God has brought all of these amazing people into my life at one point or another - and there is so much kindness and goodness and intelligence and joy and sadness and heartbreak and LOVE shared between all of us. I have said it before...to sit and think about it is pretty overwhelming - and truly amazing. Spending time with each and every one of you has enhanced my life tremendously. There are no words to thank you enough, but know that i have very genuine love in my heart for each of you.
My devotional today said this (read as though Jesus is speaking):
As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.
I mean.
And now these three remain; faith, hope, and LOVE. But the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
* ALSO - my friend Rhonda (who I thank God for every day and have wondered frequently what I ever did in my life to deserve her incredible friendship) posted a comment on my last blog post with an amazing scripture from Matthew. Highly recommend checking it out.
Monday, March 11, 2019
daylight and sleepless nights
I haven't slept well the past couple of nights. I'd blame daylight savings, but it started the night we moved the clocks forward so I don't feel like that's the reason. And while that whole time switch does usually mess me up for about a week, i will say that last night it was so nice to be sitting at the table at 6:30 and still have it light outside. All this to say, i don't mind daylight savings. I'm all for saving as much daylight as we can for the DAY. I wish we didn't have to fall back...just keep it as is.
Anyway, I didn't sleep well that night so last night i was exhausted when i got into bed at 10:30. And I laid there...and laid there...and laid there...
So then, of course, i start thinking "why in the heck can't I sleep? I'm so tired!" I'm not feeling stressed, or worried (i don't think), so as I laid there I just started thinking about everything that's on my mind (that might be keeping me awake):
* I'm taking a road trip to Chicago in a few weeks (super excited!! I'll blog about that another day)
* I got appointments scheduled up at Mayo Clinic for the last week in April and it's a lot
* I have 2 more chemo treatments to survive
* I want to do yoga tomorrow but will I be too stupid tired?
* I need to remember to make soup and deliver to a friend
* Stop at Sugar Bowl and pick up something on hold
* Drink all my carrot juice
* Back to thinking about Mayo Clinic and decisions....
And then i just started to cry. Like I said, i don't feel like i've been stressed or worried...but obviously the whole decision-making aspect of my illness is in the back of my mind always. I'm praying the carrot juice will somehow shrink the tumor for me so I don't have to utilize surgery. It's not my favorite option, even though i'm so glad it IS an option. It's a big, scary, BIG surgery. I think the part that gets me is that I don't even know HOW i will decide (i should say "we" but ultimately i think it's my choice). How do you make the choice to possibly put your life at perhaps greater risk - for what might be the greater good? The surgeon is confident and positive he can do this surgery. BUT. Of course...but....he can't speculate on my recovery, or that things will all work as planned post-surgery. We're messing with major organs and blood vessels here.
And all of this sounds like i'm stressed and worried, right? I still contend that I'm not. It doesn't feel like either of those things...it mostly just feels like uncertainty. Wondering how on earth i will ever be able to make that decision.
And then -
A good friend gave me a devotional that I read every morning. This was today's devotional:
WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I put that part in bold because WOW. I have read it at least 5 times.
In the back of my head i've been wondering if people are getting tired of my scripture and "wow moments" with God....but i'm not sorry. I'm really enjoying diving deeper into my faith and sharing it with others. And I figure this is my space to talk about what I want - and I want to share these moments where I truly feel that God is holding my hand and walking me through all of this. He continues to amaze me with His presence.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Anyway, I didn't sleep well that night so last night i was exhausted when i got into bed at 10:30. And I laid there...and laid there...and laid there...
So then, of course, i start thinking "why in the heck can't I sleep? I'm so tired!" I'm not feeling stressed, or worried (i don't think), so as I laid there I just started thinking about everything that's on my mind (that might be keeping me awake):
* I'm taking a road trip to Chicago in a few weeks (super excited!! I'll blog about that another day)
* I got appointments scheduled up at Mayo Clinic for the last week in April and it's a lot
* I have 2 more chemo treatments to survive
* I want to do yoga tomorrow but will I be too stupid tired?
* I need to remember to make soup and deliver to a friend
* Stop at Sugar Bowl and pick up something on hold
* Drink all my carrot juice
* Back to thinking about Mayo Clinic and decisions....
And then i just started to cry. Like I said, i don't feel like i've been stressed or worried...but obviously the whole decision-making aspect of my illness is in the back of my mind always. I'm praying the carrot juice will somehow shrink the tumor for me so I don't have to utilize surgery. It's not my favorite option, even though i'm so glad it IS an option. It's a big, scary, BIG surgery. I think the part that gets me is that I don't even know HOW i will decide (i should say "we" but ultimately i think it's my choice). How do you make the choice to possibly put your life at perhaps greater risk - for what might be the greater good? The surgeon is confident and positive he can do this surgery. BUT. Of course...but....he can't speculate on my recovery, or that things will all work as planned post-surgery. We're messing with major organs and blood vessels here.
And all of this sounds like i'm stressed and worried, right? I still contend that I'm not. It doesn't feel like either of those things...it mostly just feels like uncertainty. Wondering how on earth i will ever be able to make that decision.
And then -
A good friend gave me a devotional that I read every morning. This was today's devotional:
WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I put that part in bold because WOW. I have read it at least 5 times.
In the back of my head i've been wondering if people are getting tired of my scripture and "wow moments" with God....but i'm not sorry. I'm really enjoying diving deeper into my faith and sharing it with others. And I figure this is my space to talk about what I want - and I want to share these moments where I truly feel that God is holding my hand and walking me through all of this. He continues to amaze me with His presence.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Monday, March 4, 2019
1 down - 3 to go....
CHEMO. It's like a horrible 4-letter word (yes, i realize it's a 5-letter word...details...sheesh).
I made it through last weeks round. Sick. Tired. Pretty typical.
The thing is...I really feel like complete crap. To the point that I just don't even want to talk. Or can't talk. From the moment the meds start dripping until sometime Saturday when I start to feel a little more normal...i barely say 2 words. I find that I clench my teeth - which is really bad for my teeth - i know. I feel so bad when the boys come in to check on me. I just can't even answer their questions. I nod my head. I try to say a couple words. But mostly I just sit there looking miserable. They get it. They don't press. They sit for a couple seconds of silence before saying "okay. let me know if you need anything." Even though they put on very brave faces, i know it's hard for them to see me like that. I can see the joy and relief in their eyes when I come "out of it" on Saturday and things start to feel a little more normal. Like i've said before...the hardest part of this is that THEY have to go through it as well - including Ben.
I haven't really talked about him a whole lot out here in the blogosphere, have I? He has been a rock throughout this whole thing. He was the one who called everyone - my family, his family - and broke the hardest news that the cancer was back. He has been the one handling all the questions after doctor appointments, sitting with me through appointments, encouraging me when I am so discouraged, understanding when I get really low and courageously trying to bring me back "up". Seeing me sick, weak, tired, and knowing that all he can do is pat my leg and tell me he loves me - even though I know he desperately wants to be able to take it all away from me. Talking with the boys. Making sure they are doing okay with everything. Serious conversations that let them know it's okay to be sad and scared, but always reassuring them. He has always been a "fixer"; trying to find solutions to every problem - so none of this has been easy.
He maintains his optimism (even if it's just for show) in all situations and constantly looks forward to the future. He talks about what we are going to do when the boys go to college. What we are going to do after retirement. Places we should go. Things I should learn (golf). :) However, he has also shown his vulnerability. Something i don't think i've ever really seen in our 25+ years together. Just as he wishes he could take all of this away from me, I wish I could take it away from him as well.
A friend gave me the book "The Hardest Peace". I finished it last night. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking and hard story to read. I related on so many levels and found myself almost saying out loud, "yes...omgosh YES...exactly that" so many times. She talks several times about how "normalcy" is the greatest gift (amen!) and how all of the small moments in life are now the biggest (again...YES!!). I could quote so many things from this book, but will stick to this from my reading last night:
"Dear heart, the purpose of life is not longevity."
That's what a friend said to me recently. The words slowly seeped into my soul. I digested them gradually. I hate them, and I love them.
[she talks about glorifying God and enjoying him FOREVER]
Longevity is not the answer, but it is my soft heart's desire. But to give glory forever - yes, yes. That is my longevity in this place and in the next. It is easy to say those words when things are bright, but when future days feel like they are dimming, it's hard. It's just so hard.
In my desire to keep building my faithFULLness, there are many times when it is just.so.hard. Hard to trust. Hard to not be afraid. Hard to rely on Him. Hard to find peace. Hard to understand that it's not my job to understand.
To hear this woman (who is so grounded and rooted in her faith) admit that it is HARD, reminds me that it's okay for me to feel all of these things.
I spent a glorious day with my mom yesterday. We scrubbed and prepped 40lbs of carrots (!). She helped me with laundry. And then she thoroughly kicked my butt in gin rummy. We talked about scripture and she said there is a verse about worry that she really likes...but can't remember it exactly or what book it came from.
This morning the verse from my devotional was this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25
I texted her "is this the verse?"
Sure enough...that's the one!
I'm so thankful for His gentle reminders that he is always with me (us).
I made it through last weeks round. Sick. Tired. Pretty typical.
The thing is...I really feel like complete crap. To the point that I just don't even want to talk. Or can't talk. From the moment the meds start dripping until sometime Saturday when I start to feel a little more normal...i barely say 2 words. I find that I clench my teeth - which is really bad for my teeth - i know. I feel so bad when the boys come in to check on me. I just can't even answer their questions. I nod my head. I try to say a couple words. But mostly I just sit there looking miserable. They get it. They don't press. They sit for a couple seconds of silence before saying "okay. let me know if you need anything." Even though they put on very brave faces, i know it's hard for them to see me like that. I can see the joy and relief in their eyes when I come "out of it" on Saturday and things start to feel a little more normal. Like i've said before...the hardest part of this is that THEY have to go through it as well - including Ben.
I haven't really talked about him a whole lot out here in the blogosphere, have I? He has been a rock throughout this whole thing. He was the one who called everyone - my family, his family - and broke the hardest news that the cancer was back. He has been the one handling all the questions after doctor appointments, sitting with me through appointments, encouraging me when I am so discouraged, understanding when I get really low and courageously trying to bring me back "up". Seeing me sick, weak, tired, and knowing that all he can do is pat my leg and tell me he loves me - even though I know he desperately wants to be able to take it all away from me. Talking with the boys. Making sure they are doing okay with everything. Serious conversations that let them know it's okay to be sad and scared, but always reassuring them. He has always been a "fixer"; trying to find solutions to every problem - so none of this has been easy.
He maintains his optimism (even if it's just for show) in all situations and constantly looks forward to the future. He talks about what we are going to do when the boys go to college. What we are going to do after retirement. Places we should go. Things I should learn (golf). :) However, he has also shown his vulnerability. Something i don't think i've ever really seen in our 25+ years together. Just as he wishes he could take all of this away from me, I wish I could take it away from him as well.
A friend gave me the book "The Hardest Peace". I finished it last night. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking and hard story to read. I related on so many levels and found myself almost saying out loud, "yes...omgosh YES...exactly that" so many times. She talks several times about how "normalcy" is the greatest gift (amen!) and how all of the small moments in life are now the biggest (again...YES!!). I could quote so many things from this book, but will stick to this from my reading last night:
"Dear heart, the purpose of life is not longevity."
That's what a friend said to me recently. The words slowly seeped into my soul. I digested them gradually. I hate them, and I love them.
[she talks about glorifying God and enjoying him FOREVER]
Longevity is not the answer, but it is my soft heart's desire. But to give glory forever - yes, yes. That is my longevity in this place and in the next. It is easy to say those words when things are bright, but when future days feel like they are dimming, it's hard. It's just so hard.
In my desire to keep building my faithFULLness, there are many times when it is just.so.hard. Hard to trust. Hard to not be afraid. Hard to rely on Him. Hard to find peace. Hard to understand that it's not my job to understand.
To hear this woman (who is so grounded and rooted in her faith) admit that it is HARD, reminds me that it's okay for me to feel all of these things.
I spent a glorious day with my mom yesterday. We scrubbed and prepped 40lbs of carrots (!). She helped me with laundry. And then she thoroughly kicked my butt in gin rummy. We talked about scripture and she said there is a verse about worry that she really likes...but can't remember it exactly or what book it came from.
This morning the verse from my devotional was this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25
I texted her "is this the verse?"
Sure enough...that's the one!
I'm so thankful for His gentle reminders that he is always with me (us).
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
oompa-loompa
I read this book recently called "Curing Cancer with Carrots". It's very short - quick read - and really fascinating. It's written my a woman who had colon cancer - had surgery to remove it - and then it spread to 2 tumors between her lungs. She resisted and then refused to do chemotherapy, and came across a man who had "cured" his own cancer by drinking carrot juice. She contacted him and decided to give it a try (she also did a bunch of research).
Anyway, she juiced 5lbs of carrots every day. It's about 40 oz of carrot juice. She did this for about 3 months, and her tumors shrank and went away. (same with the man mentioned above...tumors disappeared and he's been cancer free for over 6 years)
I was intrigued.
I contacted my dr up at Mayo to see what the risk would be of me maybe taking a chemo break and trying out this carrot theory. He called me back and we had a discussion about the whole thing. He cautioned me against stopping chemo. I asked WHY. Why do I have to have more chemo when the tumor (seemingly) isn't responding? Its just staying right where it is? He said that the PET scan they did this last time showed that there aren't a lot of "viable" cells within the tumor, or anywhere else. Not having a PET scan to compare it to makes assumptions difficult, but he believes the chemo is killing the cancer cells and doesn't want to risk stopping the chemo and having some rogue cells take up residence somewhere else in my body - thus eliminating the possibility of surgery.
BOO.
However, he also isn't opposed to me trying this carrot deal (and trying to clean up my diet in general). He can't really "recommend" it to me since there aren't a lot of clinical trials or research backing the idea. But I told him "if i'm willing to flood my body with poison (chemo), then why wouldn't I try flooding it with nutrients?" He agreed. He also agreed that the medical field doesn't do a very good job of incorporating diet information into their treatment plans and said they need to do better in that regard.
All of this to say - i started drinking carrot juice yesterday. I borrowed my neighbors juicer and bought my first 5lb bag of carrots. Bought another 5lbs this morning and am almost done with my "5 glasses" for the day (5 lbs of carrots = about 40oz of juice = 5 8oz glasses). Not gonna lie...I'm not good with having to drink stuff, so this is a challenge. I just have to keep picturing my tumor shrinking - mind over matter. I will have to take a break during chemo since i get so sick, but am hoping the extra nutrients i get from all the juice will do me some good (and holy cow if it starts to shrink this tumor wouldn't that be freaking awesome?!!).
I also started reading "Chris beat Cancer". Another person who fought his cancer battle without chemo - but with diet changes. I'm making an effort to eat mostly clean, but admittedly i'm not very good at it. Why can't Doritos be a clean food? I will give myself some wiggle room... :)
Oh - side effect of lots of carrot juice is that my skin may start to appear a little orange. I'm hoping it will just look "sun kissed".
Chemo starts up again tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. That's all i'm gonna say about that.
Deuteronomy is proving to be almost as challenging as Numbers. I feel kind of guilty for looking ahead and thinking maybe i'll just skip the rest of this book (not that Joshua looks a whole lot better). Any advice on this topic (reading the Bible) would be appreciated.
Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."
This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself"
Matthew 22:37-39
Anyway, she juiced 5lbs of carrots every day. It's about 40 oz of carrot juice. She did this for about 3 months, and her tumors shrank and went away. (same with the man mentioned above...tumors disappeared and he's been cancer free for over 6 years)
I was intrigued.
I contacted my dr up at Mayo to see what the risk would be of me maybe taking a chemo break and trying out this carrot theory. He called me back and we had a discussion about the whole thing. He cautioned me against stopping chemo. I asked WHY. Why do I have to have more chemo when the tumor (seemingly) isn't responding? Its just staying right where it is? He said that the PET scan they did this last time showed that there aren't a lot of "viable" cells within the tumor, or anywhere else. Not having a PET scan to compare it to makes assumptions difficult, but he believes the chemo is killing the cancer cells and doesn't want to risk stopping the chemo and having some rogue cells take up residence somewhere else in my body - thus eliminating the possibility of surgery.
BOO.
However, he also isn't opposed to me trying this carrot deal (and trying to clean up my diet in general). He can't really "recommend" it to me since there aren't a lot of clinical trials or research backing the idea. But I told him "if i'm willing to flood my body with poison (chemo), then why wouldn't I try flooding it with nutrients?" He agreed. He also agreed that the medical field doesn't do a very good job of incorporating diet information into their treatment plans and said they need to do better in that regard.
All of this to say - i started drinking carrot juice yesterday. I borrowed my neighbors juicer and bought my first 5lb bag of carrots. Bought another 5lbs this morning and am almost done with my "5 glasses" for the day (5 lbs of carrots = about 40oz of juice = 5 8oz glasses). Not gonna lie...I'm not good with having to drink stuff, so this is a challenge. I just have to keep picturing my tumor shrinking - mind over matter. I will have to take a break during chemo since i get so sick, but am hoping the extra nutrients i get from all the juice will do me some good (and holy cow if it starts to shrink this tumor wouldn't that be freaking awesome?!!).
I also started reading "Chris beat Cancer". Another person who fought his cancer battle without chemo - but with diet changes. I'm making an effort to eat mostly clean, but admittedly i'm not very good at it. Why can't Doritos be a clean food? I will give myself some wiggle room... :)
Oh - side effect of lots of carrot juice is that my skin may start to appear a little orange. I'm hoping it will just look "sun kissed".
Chemo starts up again tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. That's all i'm gonna say about that.
Deuteronomy is proving to be almost as challenging as Numbers. I feel kind of guilty for looking ahead and thinking maybe i'll just skip the rest of this book (not that Joshua looks a whole lot better). Any advice on this topic (reading the Bible) would be appreciated.
Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."
This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself"
Matthew 22:37-39
Sunday, February 24, 2019
afraid to be hopeful
Okay! It was an exhausting week...or at least an exhausting trip to Rochester.
As always, we were overwhelmed by the number of people and the sadness and hardship that is everywhere at Mayo. It is eye-opening and heartbreaking and hard and real. And we are counted in that group. I'm sure there are people looking at us and feeling our struggle and hardship among the many.
So, the big part of this visit was to have me thoroughly scanned. The surgeon wanted a PET scan, MRI...and a CT scan (will get to that in a min). I had bloodwork at 7am, and went straight from there to my PET/MRI appt. They let you know in advance that it will take 2-3 hours, so Ben had lots of time to fill. I told him my order from Brueggers the night before so he would at least have that errand to kill some time. And he brought a book. Smart guy. They weren't joking about how long it would take. They take you back, you put on your hospital gown and the socks they give you with the grippy bottoms and they get an IV in. Got it on the first stick, so that was nice. Then they take you back to a little room where they then inject you with a dye that takes 45 min to circulate through your system. They close the curtain, dim the lights and there I sat. So...i tried to take a little nap. Then they come get me, have me use the restroom, and head into the scan room. If you've never had an MRI, the "scanner" is no joke. It's a big tube that feels exceptionally small once you get in there. I laid down on the table (like lying on a cement slab) and they put ear plugs in my ears, secured this odd contraption around my face, put pads around my arms to keep them close and a pad under my knees for "comfort" (HA). I don't consider myself claustrophobic, but heading into the tube headfirst always freaks me out. I quickly close my eyes. MRIs are really really loud. It sounds like you are in the middle of a construction site while you are in there. I told Ben I tried to picture myself on one of the chairs at Kings Pointe (hard plastic and uncomfortable) watching the boys jump off the diving board. Or i would try to change the noise of the machine into a different sound (something less like a jackhammer being used right next to my ear). Mind over matter....
After the MRI is over they bring you out briefly....long enough for me to sit up at least and roll my neck. Then back down with a different head contraption for the PET. Breathing instructions this time. The first time they had me hold my breath I started to panic cause it was for much longer than i anticipated. And still with the noises. I started to count how many times the "hammer" would pound while I held my breath.
1. It gave me something to focus on and
2. It made me less anxious about how long I had to hold my breath
I was in the tube for a LONG time. I honestly don't know how long exactly...but they did tell me the PET would be 40 minutes. I felt like the MRI was longer. Again...if you had any claustrophobia you would surely need to be sedated.
After that we had some time before the appt with the oncologist at 1:45. Back to the hotel so I could eat my well-deserved bagels. A little rest, and then we went for lunch before heading to the waiting room.
We literally sat down about 2 min and they called us back. I got weighed and measured. I'm 5'5" for anyone interested (i asked).
Then they take you to another room and you wait. And wait.
Oncologist came in. He's a young guy who is actually doing his fellowship. He consults with the actual oncology dr before he comes in. We chatted, he asks questions etc., and then we look at the scan. Head to toe. Nerve-wracking waiting to hear what they saw.
The words "there are no other signs of cancer anywhere in your body" came out of his mouth. My heart lept.
The tumor is unchanged, but it didn't "light up" quite as much as we expected (good i think?).
"Did you have a CT scan?" he asks. Uh....no? I wasn't scheduled for one. Well, apparently they tried to get ahold of me earlier in the week and get it scheduled but I missed the call or something. SO...lets do a CT scan tomorrow. The surgeon wants to make sure he has a clear image of the tumor.
We will meet with the surgeon after the oncologist but he tells us that I will need to do another 2 rounds of chemo...meaning 2 more cycles of 4 weeks on/2 weeks off. This news makes my heart sink. 12 more weeks. 8 more weeks of chemo. Ugh.
He leaves and we stay in the room to meet with the surgeon.
We wait.
And wait.
And wait.
No joke probably an hour? It was a long time. Ben thought the cleaning people might discover us still in there waiting.
Surgeon bursts in. Why does it seem like surgeons always burst into a room?
Anyway, he has an entourage...2 other doctors (?) and a scheduler with her laptop. He sits down and wants to hear my story from the very beginning...back to 2008. He wants to see my scans from 2008. He gets a picture of my aorta and blood vessels branching off. He draws a picture of where my tumor sits and what surgery would entail. It is very risky. Blood vessels (veins? i'm not good at this part) would have to be spliced and re-routed to keep my liver and kidneys functioning. My stomach would have to be removed. REMOVED.
"you can live without a stomach" he says somewhat nonchalantly.
Normally, I would not be a candidate for this surgery. BUT. I am young. I am otherwise healthy. I am small.
He does this surgery for pancreatic cancer. He has done this before. He is confident he can do this surgery - it is a viable option. A.viable.option.
Still risky. Things could go wrong. Veins/vessels might not cooperate etc. Obviously...all surgery poses risk. this one a bit more.
They are getting me in for a CT scan the next day. We have time to think about this option because regardless I have to go through the additional chemo and then will have radiation.
And they want me to meet with the "gut failure team". If i have surgery, I will have chronic diarrhea for the rest of my life. "Actually, do you have that now?" he asks. I say yep....he's not surprised. The tumor is causing that.
He and his team leave the room and our oncology fellow returns. I'm sure we look shell-shocked. He gets it.
He tells us we have time to make decisions. He also says that another option is to get through chemo and radiation, and then leave the tumor and continue to treat this as a chronic illness. Chronic cancer. Hm.
He doesn't know exactly what that looks like treatment-wise. A body can only handle so much chemo.
CT scan at 8am the next morning. Another IV. A much less scary tube (like 1/4 tube) and a much quicker scan. A little recovery time and we headed home.
SO....good news is that the scans show no other signs of cancer anywhere else. This is a huge relief.
Bad news is the next 12 weeks of chemo. We will head back up to Rochester sometime in May and will talk with radiology and the gut failure team. Based on what the surgeon and oncology fellow said we are guessing 4-5 weeks of radiation. Then we will need to decide what we are doing. Surgery? or Chronic cancer?
I feel like there is hope. I could actually make it through this and get to have the time that I've been praying for. It scares me to think that i'm looking forward to a future that might be stolen away by this disease at any moment. I hate feeling scared by hope.
I'm trying to dive into scripture as it seems to help. I use google. I write down verses that speak to me. I can't seem to memorize anything (blame chemo-brain). I'm even taking a crack at reading the Bible. I survived Numbers, so I'm feeling fairly optimistic. I feel like there are some people who are so rooted in their faith and can talk so eloquently about God, Jesus, love, hope, trust, FAITH. I don't feel like i'm one of those people, and am not necessarily trying to become one of those people, but i do want to gain a better perspective, feel a better connection, and continue to become more faithFULL. My faith in HIM has helped to keep me going. helped keep me calm. helped keep me positive. helped me be so aware of the many blessings in my life (daily thanks you guys...works wonders).
This is what I wrote down this morning as I started Deuteronomy -
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
As always, we were overwhelmed by the number of people and the sadness and hardship that is everywhere at Mayo. It is eye-opening and heartbreaking and hard and real. And we are counted in that group. I'm sure there are people looking at us and feeling our struggle and hardship among the many.
So, the big part of this visit was to have me thoroughly scanned. The surgeon wanted a PET scan, MRI...and a CT scan (will get to that in a min). I had bloodwork at 7am, and went straight from there to my PET/MRI appt. They let you know in advance that it will take 2-3 hours, so Ben had lots of time to fill. I told him my order from Brueggers the night before so he would at least have that errand to kill some time. And he brought a book. Smart guy. They weren't joking about how long it would take. They take you back, you put on your hospital gown and the socks they give you with the grippy bottoms and they get an IV in. Got it on the first stick, so that was nice. Then they take you back to a little room where they then inject you with a dye that takes 45 min to circulate through your system. They close the curtain, dim the lights and there I sat. So...i tried to take a little nap. Then they come get me, have me use the restroom, and head into the scan room. If you've never had an MRI, the "scanner" is no joke. It's a big tube that feels exceptionally small once you get in there. I laid down on the table (like lying on a cement slab) and they put ear plugs in my ears, secured this odd contraption around my face, put pads around my arms to keep them close and a pad under my knees for "comfort" (HA). I don't consider myself claustrophobic, but heading into the tube headfirst always freaks me out. I quickly close my eyes. MRIs are really really loud. It sounds like you are in the middle of a construction site while you are in there. I told Ben I tried to picture myself on one of the chairs at Kings Pointe (hard plastic and uncomfortable) watching the boys jump off the diving board. Or i would try to change the noise of the machine into a different sound (something less like a jackhammer being used right next to my ear). Mind over matter....
After the MRI is over they bring you out briefly....long enough for me to sit up at least and roll my neck. Then back down with a different head contraption for the PET. Breathing instructions this time. The first time they had me hold my breath I started to panic cause it was for much longer than i anticipated. And still with the noises. I started to count how many times the "hammer" would pound while I held my breath.
1. It gave me something to focus on and
2. It made me less anxious about how long I had to hold my breath
I was in the tube for a LONG time. I honestly don't know how long exactly...but they did tell me the PET would be 40 minutes. I felt like the MRI was longer. Again...if you had any claustrophobia you would surely need to be sedated.
After that we had some time before the appt with the oncologist at 1:45. Back to the hotel so I could eat my well-deserved bagels. A little rest, and then we went for lunch before heading to the waiting room.
We literally sat down about 2 min and they called us back. I got weighed and measured. I'm 5'5" for anyone interested (i asked).
Then they take you to another room and you wait. And wait.
Oncologist came in. He's a young guy who is actually doing his fellowship. He consults with the actual oncology dr before he comes in. We chatted, he asks questions etc., and then we look at the scan. Head to toe. Nerve-wracking waiting to hear what they saw.
The words "there are no other signs of cancer anywhere in your body" came out of his mouth. My heart lept.
The tumor is unchanged, but it didn't "light up" quite as much as we expected (good i think?).
"Did you have a CT scan?" he asks. Uh....no? I wasn't scheduled for one. Well, apparently they tried to get ahold of me earlier in the week and get it scheduled but I missed the call or something. SO...lets do a CT scan tomorrow. The surgeon wants to make sure he has a clear image of the tumor.
We will meet with the surgeon after the oncologist but he tells us that I will need to do another 2 rounds of chemo...meaning 2 more cycles of 4 weeks on/2 weeks off. This news makes my heart sink. 12 more weeks. 8 more weeks of chemo. Ugh.
He leaves and we stay in the room to meet with the surgeon.
We wait.
And wait.
And wait.
No joke probably an hour? It was a long time. Ben thought the cleaning people might discover us still in there waiting.
Surgeon bursts in. Why does it seem like surgeons always burst into a room?
Anyway, he has an entourage...2 other doctors (?) and a scheduler with her laptop. He sits down and wants to hear my story from the very beginning...back to 2008. He wants to see my scans from 2008. He gets a picture of my aorta and blood vessels branching off. He draws a picture of where my tumor sits and what surgery would entail. It is very risky. Blood vessels (veins? i'm not good at this part) would have to be spliced and re-routed to keep my liver and kidneys functioning. My stomach would have to be removed. REMOVED.
"you can live without a stomach" he says somewhat nonchalantly.
Normally, I would not be a candidate for this surgery. BUT. I am young. I am otherwise healthy. I am small.
He does this surgery for pancreatic cancer. He has done this before. He is confident he can do this surgery - it is a viable option. A.viable.option.
Still risky. Things could go wrong. Veins/vessels might not cooperate etc. Obviously...all surgery poses risk. this one a bit more.
They are getting me in for a CT scan the next day. We have time to think about this option because regardless I have to go through the additional chemo and then will have radiation.
And they want me to meet with the "gut failure team". If i have surgery, I will have chronic diarrhea for the rest of my life. "Actually, do you have that now?" he asks. I say yep....he's not surprised. The tumor is causing that.
He and his team leave the room and our oncology fellow returns. I'm sure we look shell-shocked. He gets it.
He tells us we have time to make decisions. He also says that another option is to get through chemo and radiation, and then leave the tumor and continue to treat this as a chronic illness. Chronic cancer. Hm.
He doesn't know exactly what that looks like treatment-wise. A body can only handle so much chemo.
CT scan at 8am the next morning. Another IV. A much less scary tube (like 1/4 tube) and a much quicker scan. A little recovery time and we headed home.
SO....good news is that the scans show no other signs of cancer anywhere else. This is a huge relief.
Bad news is the next 12 weeks of chemo. We will head back up to Rochester sometime in May and will talk with radiology and the gut failure team. Based on what the surgeon and oncology fellow said we are guessing 4-5 weeks of radiation. Then we will need to decide what we are doing. Surgery? or Chronic cancer?
I feel like there is hope. I could actually make it through this and get to have the time that I've been praying for. It scares me to think that i'm looking forward to a future that might be stolen away by this disease at any moment. I hate feeling scared by hope.
I'm trying to dive into scripture as it seems to help. I use google. I write down verses that speak to me. I can't seem to memorize anything (blame chemo-brain). I'm even taking a crack at reading the Bible. I survived Numbers, so I'm feeling fairly optimistic. I feel like there are some people who are so rooted in their faith and can talk so eloquently about God, Jesus, love, hope, trust, FAITH. I don't feel like i'm one of those people, and am not necessarily trying to become one of those people, but i do want to gain a better perspective, feel a better connection, and continue to become more faithFULL. My faith in HIM has helped to keep me going. helped keep me calm. helped keep me positive. helped me be so aware of the many blessings in my life (daily thanks you guys...works wonders).
This is what I wrote down this morning as I started Deuteronomy -
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
scared
Today we head back to Mayo. This appointment has been on the books for 2 months or so, but we have talked very little about it. I think the reality of what we might hear at this appointment is too much to think about. There's no way of knowing what will happen, how we will react, or what comes next. We have to hope for the best...but I, of course, am always hesitant to "get my hopes up". Like being hopeful for good news will somehow make the bad news worse?
I hugged my boys and told them I loved them before they went to school this morning. I held back my tears and tried to act like this was nbd - just heading up to Rochester for a couple of days. I could feel it in their hugs tho...what a heavy load they are carrying. The uncertainty. I've been a mess ever since they left. God i love them so much.
And now i've been staring at this screen for 20 minutes. Wiping away tears. I don't know what else to say.
I'm trying hard to cling to these words:
Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
I hugged my boys and told them I loved them before they went to school this morning. I held back my tears and tried to act like this was nbd - just heading up to Rochester for a couple of days. I could feel it in their hugs tho...what a heavy load they are carrying. The uncertainty. I've been a mess ever since they left. God i love them so much.
And now i've been staring at this screen for 20 minutes. Wiping away tears. I don't know what else to say.
I'm trying hard to cling to these words:
Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Monday, February 4, 2019
a poorly written, poorly cited book review
Quick favor: if you are "Unidentified" on Google (like when you post a comment), would you please sign your name so I know who you are? I mean, unless you want to remain anonymous I guess.
Okay, so...I'm reading this book. Well, actually I already read it and now i'm re-reading it with a hi-lighter and pen handy. The book is: It's Not Supposed to Be This Way finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered by Lysa Terkeurst.
She is a religious author and speaker and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries (I haven't really looked into what that is exactly).
A little background on the book....she is writing from her perspective of "disappointment" in that she found out her husband was cheating on her. So, she is "shattered" and trying to figure out how the heck to move forward etc. My perspective is a bit different, as you can imagine. Nonetheless, as i read the book the first time there were lots of things that really struck me and made me think...which is why i'm now reading it again with my hi-lighter.
And I'm struggling a bit. I could use some opinions, input, advice?, thoughts.
So, obviously, this book is written from a Christian perspective. The big message is putting our trust in God and believing that He has the best plan for our lives. I am desperately trying to do those things. Trust. Believe. HOPE. There are lots of great scriptures and stories etc. and while I believe them to be true, i also struggle. The nice thing is that she does acknowledge that: "My feelings and my faith will almost certainly come into conflict with each other."
Here's a big passage that really spoke to me (chapter 2, page 23):
No matter how well i follow the rules, do what's right, and seek to obey God with my whole heart, I can't control my life. I can't control God.
It's hard to type those words.
Because I don't want to control God.
Until I do.
When His timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention seems hurtful, and His promises seem doubtful, I get afraid. I get confused. And left alone with those feelings, i can't help but feel disappointed that God isn't doing what I assume a good God should do.
I want to assume that His promise to never leave me or forsake me means that He's operating like a supernatural shield around me, preventing horrific things from happening to me and to those I love.
and to those I love
You guys...this is where the struggle lies. As i read this book, i find myself reading it from the viewpoint of my husband and kids. If I die - how will they reconcile the pain, anger, frustration, and disappointment? How difficult will it be for them to believe that "God is good" when they are dealing with the loss of their wife/mother? I'm furiously hi-lighting everything that I think they will need to cling to and as i read it from their perspective there are a lot of really.hard.things.
And I feel guilty.
Yep.
I feel awful that I'm putting them through this. That they also have to go through the chemo treatments. That they might have to go to their wife/mother's funeral and deal with that awful sadness and a life full of that little bit of emptiness that remains when someone we love dies. I know that's a bit morbid, but death is a reality that I have to face. I don't dwell on it, and i certainly want to do everything in my power to NOT have that be the outcome, but it's still there. And I feel terrible that i might put them through that. I feel terrible that they might have to struggle with that pain and struggle how to reconcile that with their faith in God. Which leads to more guilt about not going to church often enough, not praying enough, not reading the Bible, not instilling a bigger love of God in their hearts....not preparing them enough.
I don't know. This post is a little bit everywhere. Sorry.
Here's the thing,
I feel, in my heart, that i don't need to be afraid of death. My love of Christ and my belief that Jesus died for my sins and that when we die we go to Heaven makes me not afraid. I will be free of suffering, free of sickness, and celebrating with loved ones who have gone before me, plus, you know...GOD is there, so that's pretty cool.
But.
While i'm "free", my loved ones are still here. And they are suffering.
Hm.
So...the point of this post is....I really don't know. Maybe you can tell me.
Okay, so...I'm reading this book. Well, actually I already read it and now i'm re-reading it with a hi-lighter and pen handy. The book is: It's Not Supposed to Be This Way finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered by Lysa Terkeurst.
She is a religious author and speaker and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries (I haven't really looked into what that is exactly).
A little background on the book....she is writing from her perspective of "disappointment" in that she found out her husband was cheating on her. So, she is "shattered" and trying to figure out how the heck to move forward etc. My perspective is a bit different, as you can imagine. Nonetheless, as i read the book the first time there were lots of things that really struck me and made me think...which is why i'm now reading it again with my hi-lighter.
And I'm struggling a bit. I could use some opinions, input, advice?, thoughts.
So, obviously, this book is written from a Christian perspective. The big message is putting our trust in God and believing that He has the best plan for our lives. I am desperately trying to do those things. Trust. Believe. HOPE. There are lots of great scriptures and stories etc. and while I believe them to be true, i also struggle. The nice thing is that she does acknowledge that: "My feelings and my faith will almost certainly come into conflict with each other."
Here's a big passage that really spoke to me (chapter 2, page 23):
No matter how well i follow the rules, do what's right, and seek to obey God with my whole heart, I can't control my life. I can't control God.
It's hard to type those words.
Because I don't want to control God.
Until I do.
When His timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention seems hurtful, and His promises seem doubtful, I get afraid. I get confused. And left alone with those feelings, i can't help but feel disappointed that God isn't doing what I assume a good God should do.
I want to assume that His promise to never leave me or forsake me means that He's operating like a supernatural shield around me, preventing horrific things from happening to me and to those I love.
and to those I love
You guys...this is where the struggle lies. As i read this book, i find myself reading it from the viewpoint of my husband and kids. If I die - how will they reconcile the pain, anger, frustration, and disappointment? How difficult will it be for them to believe that "God is good" when they are dealing with the loss of their wife/mother? I'm furiously hi-lighting everything that I think they will need to cling to and as i read it from their perspective there are a lot of really.hard.things.
And I feel guilty.
Yep.
I feel awful that I'm putting them through this. That they also have to go through the chemo treatments. That they might have to go to their wife/mother's funeral and deal with that awful sadness and a life full of that little bit of emptiness that remains when someone we love dies. I know that's a bit morbid, but death is a reality that I have to face. I don't dwell on it, and i certainly want to do everything in my power to NOT have that be the outcome, but it's still there. And I feel terrible that i might put them through that. I feel terrible that they might have to struggle with that pain and struggle how to reconcile that with their faith in God. Which leads to more guilt about not going to church often enough, not praying enough, not reading the Bible, not instilling a bigger love of God in their hearts....not preparing them enough.
I don't know. This post is a little bit everywhere. Sorry.
Here's the thing,
I feel, in my heart, that i don't need to be afraid of death. My love of Christ and my belief that Jesus died for my sins and that when we die we go to Heaven makes me not afraid. I will be free of suffering, free of sickness, and celebrating with loved ones who have gone before me, plus, you know...GOD is there, so that's pretty cool.
But.
While i'm "free", my loved ones are still here. And they are suffering.
Hm.
So...the point of this post is....I really don't know. Maybe you can tell me.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
count those blessings (warning: religious(ish) post. not apologizing, just a heads up)
I'm almost done with my 2 week break...which stinks. I'm enjoying feeling somewhat normal. Having a little more energy. Not feeling sick. This break was much needed and i'm trying to cherish every normal-feeling moment of it. But all good things must end i suppose (boo). I've got today and tomorrow, so I will keep my head up and try not to think too much about Thursday and the 4 weeks to come.
So what fun things have I done with myself over this break? Oh you know...there's always cleaning and laundry, which aren't exactly "fun" but the fact that I can do them on my own is pretty nice. Getting a little organization done here and there (and NO, i'm not watching Tidy Up or whatever it's called and I'm not asking myself if things "spark joy"...dear Lord don't even get me started...)
I even did a little baking!
Enjoying watching my boys play basketball - although last weekend would have been the only weekend I got to go watch Charlie and his games got cancelled, so that was a bit of a bummer. Enjoying their happiness that I'm not stuck in bed feeling like crap. Really guys...their joy in having me being ME is so apparent and clear it's almost heartbreaking.
We had a fun night with friends playing games and cards (yay!!) and i even got to have a few drinks! NORMALCY!! If you are able to - on any given evening - enjoy time with friends, go for a drink, go to a movie with your spouse/partner, just have a little "night out"..... appreciate the hell out of it. Please.
And while you're at it, appreciate the hell out of just feeling GOOD. Tis the season of resolutions and people trying to lose weight because yikes summer is coming and we all better get ready for those bathing suits....i ask you to stop.right.there.
Do you feel good - like not sick all the time? REJOICE
Can you move around your house without getting completely exhausted? REJOICE
Can you do your own cleaning and laundry and be there for your kids? REJOICE
Can you say "yes, we would love to meet you for dinner"? REJOICE
Can you look at your schedule and think "this is a busy week! we will be at (insert events, meetings, etc here) - but we can make it all work. We will get to all of those things" ? REJOICE
Can you go to the gym and get some exercise because it's good for you and makes you feel good? OMGosh....REJOICE! You don't know what I'd give to be able to do the smallest bit of exercise!!
So - obviously - i'm asking you to take a look around and be thankful for what you've got and for your health and for family and all of the busyness etc etc. I am reminded daily of how incredibly blessed I am. Which might seem weird to say since cancer isn't much of a blessing. Maybe i'm more aware of all the things I have to be thankful for? Not a day goes by that i don't think "my God...thank you for blessing me in so. many. ways."
I challenge all of you - before you go to sleep at night - stop and think about the BLESSINGS that happened that day. Ask yourself, what is one thing that happened today that I'm thankful for (and i'm guessing you will be able to come up with more than one, but it's a good starting point :) )
I think, maybe, if we start to count our blessings...we will start to realize how many there really are.
If you are reading this blog, it's because you love and care about me. And THAT is an enormous blessing that I am so thankful for.
I'm thankful every day for all of you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
So what fun things have I done with myself over this break? Oh you know...there's always cleaning and laundry, which aren't exactly "fun" but the fact that I can do them on my own is pretty nice. Getting a little organization done here and there (and NO, i'm not watching Tidy Up or whatever it's called and I'm not asking myself if things "spark joy"...dear Lord don't even get me started...)
I even did a little baking!
Enjoying watching my boys play basketball - although last weekend would have been the only weekend I got to go watch Charlie and his games got cancelled, so that was a bit of a bummer. Enjoying their happiness that I'm not stuck in bed feeling like crap. Really guys...their joy in having me being ME is so apparent and clear it's almost heartbreaking.
We had a fun night with friends playing games and cards (yay!!) and i even got to have a few drinks! NORMALCY!! If you are able to - on any given evening - enjoy time with friends, go for a drink, go to a movie with your spouse/partner, just have a little "night out"..... appreciate the hell out of it. Please.
And while you're at it, appreciate the hell out of just feeling GOOD. Tis the season of resolutions and people trying to lose weight because yikes summer is coming and we all better get ready for those bathing suits....i ask you to stop.right.there.
Do you feel good - like not sick all the time? REJOICE
Can you move around your house without getting completely exhausted? REJOICE
Can you do your own cleaning and laundry and be there for your kids? REJOICE
Can you say "yes, we would love to meet you for dinner"? REJOICE
Can you look at your schedule and think "this is a busy week! we will be at (insert events, meetings, etc here) - but we can make it all work. We will get to all of those things" ? REJOICE
Can you go to the gym and get some exercise because it's good for you and makes you feel good? OMGosh....REJOICE! You don't know what I'd give to be able to do the smallest bit of exercise!!
So - obviously - i'm asking you to take a look around and be thankful for what you've got and for your health and for family and all of the busyness etc etc. I am reminded daily of how incredibly blessed I am. Which might seem weird to say since cancer isn't much of a blessing. Maybe i'm more aware of all the things I have to be thankful for? Not a day goes by that i don't think "my God...thank you for blessing me in so. many. ways."
I challenge all of you - before you go to sleep at night - stop and think about the BLESSINGS that happened that day. Ask yourself, what is one thing that happened today that I'm thankful for (and i'm guessing you will be able to come up with more than one, but it's a good starting point :) )
I think, maybe, if we start to count our blessings...we will start to realize how many there really are.
If you are reading this blog, it's because you love and care about me. And THAT is an enormous blessing that I am so thankful for.
I'm thankful every day for all of you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
scattered thoughts from my scatterbrain
Christmas was amazing. Fun celebrations with family - just couldn't ask for more. (and yes...there was singing!) I'm thankful for every moment spent with my siblings, parents, in-laws, kids, and husband.
Kids headed back to school this week, so things are getting a bit more "normal" around here. I was ready for them to quit playing so much X-box, that's for sure. I'm still trying to get the house back - always seems to take a while to recover from the stuff that takes over during the holidays.
I'm 3 treatments in on my 4-on, 2-off plan. #4 is tomorrow. To say i'm dreading it is a severe understatement. The nausea seems to be hanging on this time...still struggling with it. But a lot of it is mental. I can't even look at the piece of paper that has my appointment information on it without feeling sick.
Really.
Talking about treatments makes me feel sick. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. It's best if I can somehow just keep it completely out of my mind. Not an easy task.
Trying to keep myself busy/distracted helps, of course. Working on the laundry/housework is good. However, i'm really tired a lot, so i find myself on the couch or in bed checking my phone or watching tv/movies. This last round I was in bed all day Saturday or Sunday and watched Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, The Return of the Jedi, and Toy Story 1, 2, and 3. Quite a day. :)
I've also been enjoying marathon days of The Golden Girls. Yes, seriously. I actually used to watch that show when it was on, so it's kind of fun to see episodes i've seen before - nostalgia. Also, Estelle Getty's "Sophia" is hilarious.
I hate being so tired all the time.
And my hair is falling out. It's freaking me out lately. I'm only washing it 1x per week now in an effort to hold onto what's left. It is soooo thin. I used to wear ponytails all the time (all.the.time.) - but now i'm afraid it will all come out with the elastic. I got some looser ponytail holders that i'm hoping won't pull it all out (cause if you only wash 1x per week you kinda need to be able to pull it back a couple days). Anyway...we'll see how long it holds on.
Til next time...
Kids headed back to school this week, so things are getting a bit more "normal" around here. I was ready for them to quit playing so much X-box, that's for sure. I'm still trying to get the house back - always seems to take a while to recover from the stuff that takes over during the holidays.
I'm 3 treatments in on my 4-on, 2-off plan. #4 is tomorrow. To say i'm dreading it is a severe understatement. The nausea seems to be hanging on this time...still struggling with it. But a lot of it is mental. I can't even look at the piece of paper that has my appointment information on it without feeling sick.
Really.
Talking about treatments makes me feel sick. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. It's best if I can somehow just keep it completely out of my mind. Not an easy task.
Trying to keep myself busy/distracted helps, of course. Working on the laundry/housework is good. However, i'm really tired a lot, so i find myself on the couch or in bed checking my phone or watching tv/movies. This last round I was in bed all day Saturday or Sunday and watched Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, The Return of the Jedi, and Toy Story 1, 2, and 3. Quite a day. :)
I've also been enjoying marathon days of The Golden Girls. Yes, seriously. I actually used to watch that show when it was on, so it's kind of fun to see episodes i've seen before - nostalgia. Also, Estelle Getty's "Sophia" is hilarious.
I hate being so tired all the time.
And my hair is falling out. It's freaking me out lately. I'm only washing it 1x per week now in an effort to hold onto what's left. It is soooo thin. I used to wear ponytails all the time (all.the.time.) - but now i'm afraid it will all come out with the elastic. I got some looser ponytail holders that i'm hoping won't pull it all out (cause if you only wash 1x per week you kinda need to be able to pull it back a couple days). Anyway...we'll see how long it holds on.
Til next time...
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