no fair!

There was a thunderstorm last night.  I woke up to the first faint "rumble" in the distance and then laid there watching and listening as the storm grew closer and closer.  There were some pretty big lightning flashes and some loud claps of thunder.  I was awake for it all.  Something about thunderstorms just makes me anxious. Or maybe I wake up out of habit from when the boys were little and would get scared and come into our room.  I miss those days. Being able to pick them up and put them in bed with us...give them a hug and a kiss and have them snuggle up against me cause it made them feel safe....somehow making me feel safe as well.
The dog still comes in. She apparently gets anxious with storms as well, cause about a minute after I woke up she was by my bedside. I'm not about to pick her up and put her in bed with us, but i did pet her a bit and then she settled in at the foot of the bed.  And I still laid there....awake.

So i tried to sleep in a little this morning, which didn't work out very well.  Tossed and turned.
All this to say...I didn't get much sleep last night. And my attitude this morning is poor. Not sure if the two are related or not.

I'm feeling very "woe is me" this morning. Prepping and juicing carrots made me crabby.  I don't want to have to drink carrot juice every day!  This sucks.
And I've been feeling guilty about everything i eat that's NOT a vegetable or fruit. Well, that sucks too! I don't want to feel guilty for eating food that I enjoy.
I'm constantly thinking about how i shouldn't eat this or that or shouldn't have eaten that and how i "should" eat another salad and more vegetables, and "should" be eating healthy all the time.  I blame the book "Chris Beat Cancer" for the eating "shoulds".  It's a good book with lots of good information....but his big push is eating vegan and flooding your body with good fruits (berries) and vegetables. It gave me a giant guilt trip.
And then I think about how healthy I was before this cancer hit. I had a physical up at Mayo and they were gushing about how great my cardiovascular health was as well as all my vitamin levels. I wasn't deficient in anything. I never ate "perfectly" but I always tried to eat fruits and veggies.  I was HEALTHY. And now this.  This sucks!!
There are lots of people out there who don't eat healthy at all, and don't exercise at all (or rarely) and THEY don't get cancer.  Not fair.
To quote my mother, "Life's not fair".  Boy was she right.

So as I'm prepping carrots and bitching in my head I'm also thinking about my daily Bible reading that comes after the carrot juice is made.  I'm grumbling about it. I don't even want to read it today cause truth be told I'm a little irritated with God and the unfairness of all of this.  So I say a quick prayer, "God...could you send me some kind of sign cause I am feeling all kinds of negativity...some of it towards You!"

I read the Bible. Nothing.
I read the Psalm for the day...really nothing.  Didn't even understand it.
I read my devotional : "Trust in Me every detail of your life" it says.   "Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love me."   Well, I love You and things don't seem to be fitting into a 'pattern of good' lately.

And then I read my daily reading from a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
The title for today's reading is "That's Not Fair".

Well now.

The author talks about how getting cancer is just plain NOT FAIR. (she herself had colon cancer)
She says, "And another question i never voiced but really wanted answered: If God really loved me so much, why did He allow an unfair thing like cancer to strike my life?"
Yes.  Me.  Today.


And she ends with a prayer:

Dear Lord,
I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family.  It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us. Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life.  I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.


Wow.
Lord, thank you for listening to me when I pray, and for knowing exactly what I needed to hear this morning.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.       Proverbs 3:5