Heading back to Mayo

Today is here. I've been thinking about this day for the past 5 weeks - but also trying very hard not to think of this day for the past 5 weeks.  On the one hand, it's Charlie's 13th birthday. My youngest is now a teenager. Why does time have to fly so quickly?
When the boys were 6, 4, and 1 1/2 we took a vacation to a resort in Minnesota. On a rainy day we went to the bowling alley in the little town nearby. As we were getting things set up and dealing with the chaos that comes with 3 small children, another family walked in to bowl away their rainy day. While the dad was up paying, the mom walked down to the lanes with her 3 boys...all teenagers and taller than her. That moment struck me then and sticks with me so vividly even now. I remember stopping at that moment and thinking "some day that will be me". And being so happy with my "babies" at the time - while thinking I couldn't possibly imagine what life would be like when the boys were that old.
And here we are.
I am now "that mom".  Tyler and Sammy are both taller than me, and I have no doubt that Charlie will pass me by in the next few years. They are all teenagers. Tyler will graduate in the spring. And that moment is still so clear in my mind. I couldn't have imagined then what life would throw our way. Crazy.

So...here we are. I finished radiation about 5 weeks ago. Moved out of my apartment - which was very nice, but i was so happy to get out of there. My doctor told me to go home, rest, enjoy not having treatment, and gain some weight. Check, check, check, aaaaannnd check.
I have had a wonderful break. I've been feeling so good while i've been home. No pain, very little nausea, decent energy. I've been enjoying feeling normal for a while and doing all the normal things I used to do.  I even was able to take a few classes at the fitness center! I am 100% out of shape so that is hard, but it was nice to be back there, to see familiar faces, and to get a little exercise. I've done a billion loads of laundry, picked up kids from football practices, gotten to see Charlie's games and Tyler and Sammy's last home XC meet. We had family pictures, I had a wonderful weekend with my high school girlfriends, and just finished a fun family weekend to UNI (also celebrating Charlie's birthday).
And i have gained enough weight that my pants are all feeling a bit snug. :)
I have thanked God every night for another great day of feeling like my old self.  I know the boys have also loved having their "old mom" back. It truly has been a blessing and I have cherished every moment.

And during this time I've been trying hard to not think about today and the next few days.  We head back to Rochester this afternoon.  I have a CT scan tomorrow and consultations with intestinal teams.  On Wednesday it's the PET/MRI and consults with the surgeon. (we also head back next week for appointments with vascular surgery)
There are big decisions to be made in the next couple of days, and I honestly still have no idea how we are going to make them. We are thankful that Dr Truty (surgeon) has even considered taking me on as a patient. It's a big, big, scary surgery - there are a lot of "ifs" and it would definitely be life changing for me. But we are thankful that we at least have this option in front of us.

The next few days are going to be very trying and difficult and, to be honest, a bit terrifying.

We certainly appreciate any and all prayers for my scans, for the results, for the doctors, for the boys and the rest of my family, and for the future.

I have a book called "50 Days of Hope - Daily inspiration for your journey through cancer"
There are a number of prayers that are really good.

Father, I feel a little lost right now. Please guide me in all the decisions to be made, and help me to trust Your truth more than my feelings.

Lord, thank you for doctors and nurses and researchers who are trying to cure cancer. I ask today that Your super-natural healing power would be released to heal the cancer in each cell that you created.

Dear Lord, I'm so disappointed that this cancer has touched our family. It feels so unfair. Please help me to accept that life has been unfair to us but still to believe that You will be faithful to us.  Please help me to develop a relationship with You apart from my circumstances and to learn to trust You despite the unfairness of life.


For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you.       Isaiah  41:13