Well, it's been a week since we got home and broke the news. One week.
It seems like much longer than that. Maybe that's how it is when you are trying to figure out "what do i do now?"
Those first few days were rough. Lots of tears spread throughout the day, with the goal of not having any of them fall in front of the boys. Mission accomplished there.
Ben and I cried together in the evening - many times the only time we can really talk about things without worrying about the boys hearing us is at night in bed. He has a tendency to bottle his emotions and definitely tries to be strong and "controlled" for the boys' sake - so I was relieved to have him cry along with me. Everyone needs that emotional release every now and then. Especially when you are dealing with SO MUCH.
The response to my blog post was overwhelming, humbling, amazing, beautiful, heartwarming...and elicited many tears. Sincere thanks to everyone who commented with words of comfort, support, and love.
Knowing that I have so many people praying on my behalf is really encouraging.
So - what NOW, right?
Well, as odd as it sounds and as odd as it feels for me to say, i'm actually doing okay. My dad stopped over today and asked "how are you doing?", and I said "honestly...i'm fine". That's not to say that I'm fine with what is happening, because i certainly am NOT fine with it....but overall....i really do feel "fine". I still feel really good. No pain. No nausea. Those are things for me to be thankful about every day. With all the "if onlys" i thought about on the way home from Mayo and the days following i also decided to try a few things - because really, why not? I am trying very hard to limit my sugar intake. I know cancer cells respond and thrive on sugar. I mean, when I have a PET scan - they cut you off from carbs 18 hours in advance and then inject you with a glucose solution because the cancer cells have been starved of sugar for a while and then they just suck it right up. I've been doing pretty good in that regard. Definitely not perfect, but better.
I've also started taking a few supplements. I've never been very good about taking stuff, but have committed myself to a few. Turmeric is one. The others are some things I got from my friend Erin who has been helping me throughout this whole journey and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to thank her enough for her love and support (you can check out her FB page Eden Restored), and the other thing is something that really isn't a supplement but my cousin Hailey sent me a blog with some interesting info so I figured what have i got to lose by trying it? Nothing that I can think of. I mean, i take chemo in hopes that it will help and it makes me feel HORRIBLE. Taking all of these things (which really isn't that much) makes me feel...no different.
And what if all of this results in nothing? No change? Okay. At least i can get some of the "in onlys" off my mind.
I'm getting more comfortable going out in public. Not to say that it isn't hard and a little terrifying because there are a lot of sympathetic looks, hugs, people letting me know they are thinking of us and praying for us and I never quite know if/when i'm going to break down in tears. And omgoodness do NOT feel at all bad if you see me and give me a hug, let me know you are praying, etc. and I start crying. It's just how it is right now.
I'm doing yoga (at home) and LOVING it. I'm also trying to do a little cardio and HATING it. Holy cow i'm out of shape. We bought an airdyne bike a while ago when Ben was told he needed to get some exercise to get his blood pressure under control. I remember looking at the bike online and specifically asking him "if we buy this are you actually going to use it?". I believe his response was very non-committal. I ordered it anyway. You will be shocked to know that he used it maybe 4 times and then it's been sitting in the basement. I mentioned that I'd like to work on my cardio, but don't really want to go down to the basement to ride the bike, so he and Sammy brought it upstairs for me. I've only done it twice but that was enough for me to give it the nickname "the torture wheel".
Mostly trying to be thankful for all of the little things every day.
Peace I leave with you;
My Peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
Hi Sarah, it's Ashley from the Presbyterian church. This is my first time commenting, but I've been reading along and praying for you - our whole church has kept you in our prayers. I just wanted to share this song that God put in my heart one day. So, I was walking into my house earlier this month, and there was this bouquet of old flowers on the snow. (I usually dispose of flowers just by tossing them outside, because we don't compost yet, but I figure it's better than sending them to the landfil) Anyway, they were lying there on the snow, and I thought, "What if instead of continuing to wilt, they somehow bloomed and became fresh again?" It was just a silly, playful, momentary thought, but then I realized there are women and men I know who are just like roses who bloom despite their environment seeming to make it impossible. And this song started coming to my head. It's not finished, but I'll share what I have so far, because after reading your most recent blog posts, I realized you're just the type of person it's for:
ReplyDeleteYou're like a rose, that when thrown out in the snow
Somehow ends up bigger and brighter
You're like the sky on a cold and windy night, somehow still so full of light, because you're a fighter.
And I know that you don't want to be
Half as strong as you need to be
But if it helps let me say you inspire me
And it's not fair- what you had to go through to get here
And I wish that I could take it away
And I hope that - after all is done and past
You never have to suffer one day
Chorus:
Yes, everything that hurts you, can only keep you down so long. It's only a matter of time til you rise - more beautiful and strong.