why, why, why...

Well, we are back from Mayo.  I wish we were back with good news, but unfortunately so far good  news isn't our "story".  Bad news seems to be plaguing us on this journey.
All of those decisions I was worried about have become a mute point because the scans showed that the cancer has spread.  There are a couple of spots on my liver and 2 lymph nodes that show cancer as well.
I can say that we were very shocked and heartbroken by the news. Neither one of us was really sure how to respond or react. Dumbfounded.

The ride home was spent trying to wrap our heads around everything.

I feel like I've gone through the gamut of emotions in processing the news, but honestly, disbelief is the one that seems to be sticking - with sadness and anger not far behind. We were upfront with the boys, because i feel like they need to know what's going on. I hate putting this information on their shoulders cause it's a heavy burden to bear, but I don't want them to be blind as to what is going on. Charlie summed it up best last night between sobs..."why YOU?   why US?"  to which I could only respond "i don't know buddy".
I'm asking myself those same why questions, even though there is no answer.

I will say I did spend a better part of the trip home wondering "if I only did this or that then maybe...", but also knowing that if only i had done 'this' or 'that' then maybe the outcome would still be the same. And I don't think beating myself up about things is going to help matters any.  It's hard to not feel some responsibility tho. Is that weird? I feel guilty for having this stupid disease.  For putting my family through having to deal with me having this disease. Mostly for the boys having to bear this burden. That's the worst.  I hate it so much for them.  Charlie goes to the guidance counselor at school b/c his mind wanders and then he starts to think about things and all of the what-ifs and he worries and gets anxious thinking about it all. My 13 year old shouldn't have to worry about his mom dying.
But he does.
And I do too.

That's a shitty thing to have in the back of your mind.  Wondering how long you have to live?  I mean...all of us are going to die at some point, but for most of us it's not something we think about because without the presence of disease it seems so far away and not front and center.  The doctor talked about chemo to "prolong your life", which I told Ben makes me think "well, i'm going to die from this....but when?"
Prolong your life.  Ugh.

For now the game plan is to hold tight.  We go back up in December for more scans and possible biopsies. The oncologist wants to see if there is some genetic mutation that would indicate a certain type of treatment that would work better than others. He also knows that I don't tolerate chemo very well, and doesn't want to put me through that if it's not something that will be effective. After the next appointments there will be more chemo for sure...we just aren't sure what it will be.

So - I have cried a few tears and I'm sure will cry many more.  But i woke up today, had my coffee, did yoga, worked on some things around the house, went to conferences, paid some bills....life goes on in spite of everything.

I will say this...it is hard to reconcile all of this with my faith. I know Ben is really struggling with his relationship with God these days, and I worry about the boys too.  Charlie is going through confirmation right now and reading the book of Luke.  There's a lot of stories of Jesus healing sick people in that book. Makes it difficult to reconcile why He doesn't seem to be healing me? Taking this sickness away? Why cancer is even a THING?  Charlie said last night "millions and millions of dollars going to research cancer and they STILL can't figure it out?"  

Right?

And clinging to hope seems to be backfiring on me every time! I was so hopeful going into these last appointments.  Getting your hopes dashed over and over makes having hope a bit difficult.

But I will keep praying. I will keep the conversation with Him going.  I will try to remain as faith-full as I can.


              Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS for the Lord your God is with you.       Joshua 1:9