ups and downs

Well, this past round was BRUTAL - and i mean ALL CAPS brutal. I reacted. Which means i felt my face getting really hot and then my stomach started cramping.  They stopped the drugs...i had horrible awful cramps for idk how long (my mom said it took about an hour for everything to "calm down")...and then they started up again.  Yup. I can remember thinking as I was writhing in pain (quite literally) that I so wished my mom wasn't there to see all of this. How hard that must be.
And then, I spiked a fever and my heart rate went up.  So I went straight from oncology to the ER, where I got to spend 6+ hours. (along with my rockstar parents who sat there with me) I got to the hospital around 8:30 that morning and went home a bit past midnight. Fun, right? No.  Really.Not.Fun.

Spent the next day (my birthday) being very sick and Saturday still not feeling so hot and Sunday not feeling so great either. Sunday was depressing. I just hate feeling like that so SO much and it really brings me down. Ben was having a tough day as well. We talked and shed some tears. He struggles cause he tries to be the positive reinforcement around here.  For me and the boys.  That's a tough gig. He needs a good cry every now and then - even tho that's really hard for him. But it does help. I know I need it more than every now and then. And it's hard for me too cause somehow it feels like i'm "giving in" to negative feelings, but i need to think of it more like "getting it out". No matter.  It's just hard no matter what and this whole thing sucks.

Today was better. Well...it started off pretty awful cause my dog decided to pee all over the den. The SMELL woke me up at 5am.  Yeah. Dis.Gus.Ting.  Spent about 1/2 hour scrubbing floors to try to clean it up. Bad thing is, we have wood floors.  Kinda sucks it all in. EW.  Put out a diffuser with peppermint oil (supposed to be clarifying). Went back to bed and did manage to fall back asleep for a little while.
Cleaned the kitchen and threw in a load of laundry and then felt like I needed a nap from all that exertion. I get tired very easily.

Tonight was baseball baseball baseball.  Literally.  All 3 boys played tonight. My mom came with me in case i needed to be dropped off close to the field, but I managed to get to and fro okay. And that's something cause she's a "fair weather" fan...and tonight wasn't fair weather. BRR!  We went to the JV game and left early to get to Charlie's game. Of course that meant that Sammy made a double play and hit a walk off to end the game...go figure. Charlie cracks me up when he plays. He's such a social kid - loves to pitch and catch so he can interact with every player from the other team. After his game a quick stop home for charlie to put on warm clothes and for me to throw together some PB&Js for Sammy (and Charlie and me!) then back to the field for the varsity game.  Needless to say, it was a long night...but I felt so GOOD. Doing all that normal stuff just makes me feel so much better.  I'm thankful my stomach felt okay and my guts held it together so I could do all of it.

And now I'm up past midnight cause uniforms need to be washed (more games tomorrow).
And i'm totally fine with that.



Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His love endures forever.
                       Psalm 107:1