1 down - 3 to go....

CHEMO.  It's like a horrible 4-letter word (yes, i realize it's a 5-letter word...details...sheesh).
I made it through last weeks round. Sick. Tired. Pretty typical.

The thing is...I really feel like complete crap.  To the point that I just don't even want to talk. Or can't talk. From the moment the meds start dripping until sometime Saturday when I start to feel a little more normal...i barely say 2 words. I find that I clench my teeth - which is really bad for my teeth - i know. I feel so bad when the boys come in to check on me.  I just can't even answer their questions. I nod my head. I try to say a couple words. But mostly I just sit there looking miserable. They get it. They don't press. They sit for a couple seconds of silence before saying "okay. let me know if you need anything." Even though they put on very brave faces, i know it's hard for them to see me like that.  I can see the joy and relief in their eyes when I come "out of it" on Saturday and things start to feel a little more normal. Like i've said before...the hardest part of this is that THEY have to go through it as well - including Ben.

I haven't really talked about him a whole lot out here in the blogosphere, have I?  He has been a rock throughout this whole thing. He was the one who called everyone - my family, his family - and broke the hardest news that the cancer was back. He has been the one handling all the questions after doctor appointments, sitting with me through appointments, encouraging me when I am so discouraged, understanding when I get really low and courageously trying to bring me back "up". Seeing me sick, weak, tired, and knowing that all he can do is pat my leg and tell me he loves me - even though I know he desperately wants to be able to take it all away from me. Talking with the boys. Making sure they are doing okay with everything. Serious conversations that let them know it's okay to be sad and scared, but always reassuring them. He has always been a "fixer"; trying to find solutions to every problem - so none of this has been easy.
He maintains his optimism (even if it's just for show) in all situations and constantly looks forward to the future. He talks about what we are going to do when the boys go to college. What we are going to do after retirement. Places we should go. Things I should learn (golf).  :)    However, he has also shown his vulnerability.  Something i don't think i've ever really seen in our 25+ years together. Just as he wishes he could take all of this away from me, I wish I could take it away from him as well.

A friend gave me the book "The Hardest Peace". I finished it last night. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking and hard story to read. I related on so many levels and found myself almost saying out loud, "yes...omgosh YES...exactly that" so many times. She talks several times about how "normalcy" is the greatest gift (amen!) and how all of the small moments in life are now the biggest (again...YES!!).  I could quote so many things from this book, but will stick to this from my reading last night:

"Dear heart, the purpose of life is not longevity."
That's what a friend said to me recently. The words slowly seeped into my soul. I digested them gradually. I hate them, and I love them. 
[she talks about glorifying God and enjoying him FOREVER]
Longevity is not the answer, but it is my soft heart's desire. But to give glory forever - yes, yes. That is my longevity in this place and in the next. It is easy to say those words when things are bright, but when future days feel like they are dimming, it's hard. It's just so hard.

In my desire to keep building my faithFULLness, there are many times when it is just.so.hard. Hard to trust. Hard to not be afraid. Hard to rely on Him. Hard to find peace. Hard to understand that it's not my job to understand.
To hear this woman (who is so grounded and rooted in her faith) admit that it is HARD, reminds me that it's okay for me to feel all of these things.

I spent a glorious day with my mom yesterday. We scrubbed and prepped 40lbs of carrots (!). She helped me with laundry. And then she thoroughly kicked my butt in gin rummy. We talked about scripture and she said there is a verse about worry that she really likes...but can't remember it exactly or what book it came from.
This morning the verse from my devotional was this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?    Luke 12:25

I texted her "is this the verse?"
Sure enough...that's the one!

I'm so thankful for His gentle reminders that he is always with me (us).