Quick favor: if you are "Unidentified" on Google (like when you post a comment), would you please sign your name so I know who you are? I mean, unless you want to remain anonymous I guess.
Okay, so...I'm reading this book. Well, actually I already read it and now i'm re-reading it with a hi-lighter and pen handy. The book is: It's Not Supposed to Be This Way finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered by Lysa Terkeurst.
She is a religious author and speaker and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries (I haven't really looked into what that is exactly).
A little background on the book....she is writing from her perspective of "disappointment" in that she found out her husband was cheating on her. So, she is "shattered" and trying to figure out how the heck to move forward etc. My perspective is a bit different, as you can imagine. Nonetheless, as i read the book the first time there were lots of things that really struck me and made me think...which is why i'm now reading it again with my hi-lighter.
And I'm struggling a bit. I could use some opinions, input, advice?, thoughts.
So, obviously, this book is written from a Christian perspective. The big message is putting our trust in God and believing that He has the best plan for our lives. I am desperately trying to do those things. Trust. Believe. HOPE. There are lots of great scriptures and stories etc. and while I believe them to be true, i also struggle. The nice thing is that she does acknowledge that: "My feelings and my faith will almost certainly come into conflict with each other."
Here's a big passage that really spoke to me (chapter 2, page 23):
No matter how well i follow the rules, do what's right, and seek to obey God with my whole heart, I can't control my life. I can't control God.
It's hard to type those words.
Because I don't want to control God.
Until I do.
When His timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention seems hurtful, and His promises seem doubtful, I get afraid. I get confused. And left alone with those feelings, i can't help but feel disappointed that God isn't doing what I assume a good God should do.
I want to assume that His promise to never leave me or forsake me means that He's operating like a supernatural shield around me, preventing horrific things from happening to me and to those I love.
and to those I love
You guys...this is where the struggle lies. As i read this book, i find myself reading it from the viewpoint of my husband and kids. If I die - how will they reconcile the pain, anger, frustration, and disappointment? How difficult will it be for them to believe that "God is good" when they are dealing with the loss of their wife/mother? I'm furiously hi-lighting everything that I think they will need to cling to and as i read it from their perspective there are a lot of really.hard.things.
And I feel guilty.
Yep.
I feel awful that I'm putting them through this. That they also have to go through the chemo treatments. That they might have to go to their wife/mother's funeral and deal with that awful sadness and a life full of that little bit of emptiness that remains when someone we love dies. I know that's a bit morbid, but death is a reality that I have to face. I don't dwell on it, and i certainly want to do everything in my power to NOT have that be the outcome, but it's still there. And I feel terrible that i might put them through that. I feel terrible that they might have to struggle with that pain and struggle how to reconcile that with their faith in God. Which leads to more guilt about not going to church often enough, not praying enough, not reading the Bible, not instilling a bigger love of God in their hearts....not preparing them enough.
I don't know. This post is a little bit everywhere. Sorry.
Here's the thing,
I feel, in my heart, that i don't need to be afraid of death. My love of Christ and my belief that Jesus died for my sins and that when we die we go to Heaven makes me not afraid. I will be free of suffering, free of sickness, and celebrating with loved ones who have gone before me, plus, you know...GOD is there, so that's pretty cool.
But.
While i'm "free", my loved ones are still here. And they are suffering.
Hm.
So...the point of this post is....I really don't know. Maybe you can tell me.
Just so you know, I've read this post of yours here over and over and over again and knowing in my heart that I want to respond, but not sure what words to offer or say. So I'm just going to go with what God has laid on my heart to share...I wish I could take credit for these awesome words and thoughts I'm going to share with you, but that's why there's authors in this world and I am not one of them, lol!
ReplyDeleteSo here it goes: "I really want to believe that God is with me right now. I want to know He's good and that He cares. But I just don't know how. I want to believe in God's presence and goodness, but just have too many unanswered questions. Something in me longs to trust God - to know Him, to feel His presence, to sink into His peace, and to believe He's there for me, helping me to carry my burdens. I want to pray and know God hears me. I want comfort. I want to know that He's with me and that He will protect me".
"I have my own hurts, my own losses, my own doubts from time to time, just like anyone. But I'm still convinced God is with us during our trials, and I want to help restore that faith of people who see their trust in God demolished by the wrecking ball of unbearable circumstances."
"It's not easy. I don't have all the answers. But I can promise you that I've asked all of those same questions. I've discovered something that I'm praying will become true for you. You can doubt, question, or even struggle in your faith. But instead of finding that the questions distance you from the heart of God, you will discover something else, something much better. Honest questions, sincere doubts, and deep hurts can draw you closer to God than you've ever been before."
"To really know God, you have to wrestle through pain, struggle with honest doubts, and even live with unanswered questions. But if you wrestle with Him, seek Him, cling to Him, God will meet you in your pain."
Sarah, I think of you often and continue to pray for complete healing of your body. I trust in a God who's plan is greater than our own, who has the ability to heal our bodies, but more importantly, restore our souls. I hope you find comfort in what I've shared here tonight.
- Heidi F -
I, too, have read this post over and over and have pondered your thoughts and prayed for God to give me the right words to say. But there are no words that seem just right.
ReplyDeleteI think about your words, to those I love...and I am reminded that our children are not our own, but God's...he has entrusted them to us to care for on this earth. He chose YOU to be their mother, knowing exactly the plan for your and their lives. He also brought Ben and you together for a purpose. And he is weaving YOUR story together divinely perfectly so that every strand and piece are just as he wants them to be. For you see...he gets to know the end of the story. And that is what we cling to...knowing His love for us never ends and His plans are far better than our own. ❤️
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.
I sit here tonight in complete silence thinking of the words you wrote and the emotions that came from writing them, thinking them and feeling them. You have my utmost respect as a wife, a mother, a Christian, a friend & a fighter! I wish I had answers for you but I know I will continue to keep you in my daily prayers, as well as your hubby and kiddos. Prayers are so powerful. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteLove. Love is what makes us worry about others. And faith gives us comfort. YOU are not doing anything to anyone. But because you are loved, others are going to feel things as cancer happens to you. Cancer happens to you. And it is happening to all who love you in some weird and hard extension. But, if you can find, though active seeking, the strength to do what is needed and accept whatever comes OUR way because of a disease you didn't ask for and didn't do anything to encourage.... well, then the rest of us are equally capable of doing the same. We are all capable of bearing pain and sadness, because we have LOVE to see us through. God's love, and each others' love.
ReplyDeleteIf you die, and whenever you die, there will be sadness left behind because you are so loved and will be so missed (age 43 or 103, it won't matter). But those left behind will cherish every minute of togetherness, every memory of a smile or a laugh or every-day moment. And then they will band together to heal, or at least they will have the opportunity to do so if and when they choose. And I would walk through 1000 hard moments and bear every pain with and for you, because the alternative means I would never have known you or had you in my life - there is no other way. Pain is the price of love, and it is worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Believe. Believe in all of us to be there for each other, come what may. Believe in our ability to find peace in our hearts if we search hard enough. Believe that God can find a way to tell us that no path is "supposed" to go in any direction other than the one that happens and that there is still good in the world when painful things happen. Believe in the ability of Ben and the boys to find it, too.
Typed a bunch of lengthy replies but i couldn't quite complete my thoughts. Praying that your (and my) fears and doubts are replaced with faith and understanding!
ReplyDelete