daylight and sleepless nights

I haven't slept well the past couple of nights.  I'd blame daylight savings, but it started the night we moved the clocks forward so I don't feel like that's the reason. And while that whole time switch does usually mess me up for about a week, i will say that last night it was so nice to be sitting at the table at 6:30 and still have it light outside. All this to say, i don't mind daylight savings. I'm all for saving as much daylight as we can for the DAY. I wish we didn't have to fall back...just keep it as is.

Anyway, I didn't sleep well that night so last night i was exhausted when i got into bed at 10:30.  And I laid there...and laid there...and laid there...
So then, of course, i start thinking "why in the heck can't I sleep? I'm so tired!" I'm not feeling stressed, or worried (i don't think), so as I laid there I just started thinking about everything that's on my mind (that might be keeping me awake):

* I'm taking a road trip to Chicago in a few weeks (super excited!! I'll blog about that another day)
* I got appointments scheduled up at Mayo Clinic for the last week in April and it's a lot
* I have 2 more chemo treatments to survive
* I want to do yoga tomorrow but will I be too stupid tired?
* I need to remember to make soup and deliver to a friend
* Stop at Sugar Bowl and pick up something on hold
* Drink all my carrot juice
* Back to thinking about Mayo Clinic and decisions....

And then i just started to cry. Like I said, i don't feel like i've been stressed or worried...but obviously the whole decision-making aspect of my illness is in the back of my mind always. I'm praying the carrot juice will somehow shrink the tumor for me so I don't have to utilize surgery. It's not my favorite option, even though i'm so glad it IS an option. It's a big, scary, BIG surgery. I think the part that gets me is that I don't even know HOW i will decide (i should say "we" but ultimately i think it's my choice). How do you make the choice to possibly put your life at perhaps greater risk - for what might be the greater good? The surgeon is confident and positive he can do this surgery. BUT.  Of course...but....he can't speculate on my recovery, or that things will all work as planned post-surgery. We're messing with major organs and blood vessels here.

And all of this sounds like i'm stressed and worried, right?  I still contend that I'm not. It doesn't feel like either of those things...it mostly just feels like uncertainty. Wondering how on earth i will ever be able to make that decision.

And then -
A good friend gave me a devotional that I read every morning. This was today's devotional:

WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength. 

I put that part in bold because WOW. I have read it at least 5 times.


In the back of my head i've been wondering if people are getting tired of my scripture and "wow moments" with God....but i'm not sorry. I'm really enjoying diving deeper into my faith and sharing it with others. And I figure this is my space to talk about what I want - and I want to share these moments where I truly feel that God is holding my hand and walking me through all of this. He continues to amaze me with His presence.


For we live by faith, not by sight.     2 Corinthians 5:7