Hello dear friends. I hope you are all in the midst of celebrating the holidays with those you love most. I've never really taken the time to really think about all that goes on around Christmas - but now that i'm sitting here with nothing else to do I'm finding it quite interesting the things that are coming to mind.
I've always loved Christmas. In my family it always ranks as our "favorite holiday" (beating the 4th of July by a narrow margin). I love to bake and eat cookies so that comes in handy this time of year. I hate decorating, but for some reason I love to "deck" my house for Christmas. I love looking at Christmas lights...and am a total dork about it when I see people's houses all lit up. Even though i'm not the best at it, I love to give people gifts. I love my great grandma's peanut brittle - and this is the only time of year that my family makes it (including me), making it all the more special. I love sitting in the family room at night with the Christmas tree all lit up. I love Christmas cards that come in the mail - a tradition i hope doesn't get completely killed by social media. And mostly I love spending time with my family - eating dinner, playing games, watching TV, etc.
Growing up, my grandparents (my mother's parents) had this great tradition of doing an "open house". I believe it was on Christmas Eve. We didn't get to be there every year, and I'm not exactly sure how the tradition started, but what I do remember was a basement full of grown ups. My grandma hung decorations from the ceiling with a mistletoe hanging right in the center of the room (look out!). They had a bar and my grandpa would be behind it. I can remember as a child clinging to my mother's side and saying hello to my grandparents friends and neighbors....but also my extended family. My great aunts and uncles would be there, as would my mom's cousins and siblings. My cousins would be there too, so inevitably we would all go upstairs to get away from all of those grown ups. My husband is always amazed at how "far" I know my family; meaning that i not only have relationships with my moms siblings and their kids, but I also knew my grandmas siblings and their kids (and their kids!). The Christmas open house is part of the reason why and i'm so thankful for it.
Christmas Day was reserved for "immediate" family, and i'm sure it's similar to what many of you remember growing up: grown ups hanging out in one area of the house and kids hanging out in another. Once dinner was ready the grown ups sat at the "grown up table", and the kids at the "kid table". Definitely some of my favorite memories with my cousins...sitting at the kids table in the basement. My grandma didn't have a dishwasher, so after dinner it was all hands on deck for cleaning dishes. Once that was done it was time for gifts...and then the BEST part of my Christmas memories: music. My grandparents had a player piano and an organ in their basement (yes..and a bar. it was a pretty fantastic place!). To begin, my mom would be at the piano, and my grandma at the organ and they would play from a Christmas song book and my aunts, uncles, cousins, would all stand around them and sing. We would get through the entire book. And, of course...that wasn't enough, so my grandma would get out the "scrolls" for the piano and we would sing some more! Generally a grand finale of the Hallelujah Chorus that was always very entertaining. After all that you would think that the night would be over, but I know i never wanted it to end and I don't think anyone else did either, so the cards and games would come out. Precious wonderful memories. I am so blessed with the love of FAMILY.
So why am i sitting here at 1am writing about all of this...what's all this got to do with anything? I'm not exactly sure. For some reason I went to bed and woke up about an hour later and became completely overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't stop crying. I got up, washed my face, tried to lie back down and...more tears. I decided I needed to get some things "out" and that's what this blog is for so here i am.
I think i'm struck by the perplexity of Christmas. On the one hand, there is what I described above: Joy and happiness and family and love. But for many there is also sadness. I have a friend who will be celebrating her first Christmas without her mother...and how strange that must be to be in this happy, joyous time of year and to also be filled with grief. And i know she is not alone in that feeling. I think my family (my parents and siblings) is also walking a tightrope of emotions this year as well. Our original plan was to celebrate the weekend after Christmas, but with my chemo schedule everyone had to make a quick change of plans. We will be together the day after Christmas - but they will need to get back to their homes that night so it will be shortened a bit. Not the lingering-not wanting it to end-hanging out til the wee hours playing cards/games- that it usually is. And there will be a sadness that we are all carrying with us these days, even though i'm sure we will try to bury it down deep for the day.
And it's been different for me personally. I didn't do any baking this year. With my stomach pain, I just can't stand that long. And while most people are "oofing" and "ughing" over how much they've eaten already this season, I'm sad that my appetite isn't what it once was. I would love to be able to eat so many cookies that I was just miserable! In so many ways everything is different because "i just can't" because of the pain. And that makes me sad.
There. I got to the bottom of the tears. I knew I needed to sit here and get this all out.
The next 3 days will be filled with Christmas. There will be traditions. There will be family. I so desperately want to be able to just enjoy every minute. To soak up all the love and happiness. To go to church. To eat delicious food and play games and cards and hopefully a little piano too.
Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Sunday, December 9, 2018
the fight continues
Well, as it turns out, Mother Nature had other plans the night of the dinner/dance - cancelled due to snow and ice. Bummer. Thankfully, I have great neighbors and a family room big enough to dance in. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. :)
As most of you probably know from my Facebook post we made the trip to Mayo. It is a humbling place to be for sure. I was reduced to tears as we waited for our seats for dinner by the number of people who are being wheeled around in wheel chairs. The reality of that place and the reason people are there is hard. And there are so. many. people there. Heartbreaking.
We (Ben, my sister Mia and I) spent a lot of time in a little room waiting for the doctors. We met with a Fellow first, and then met with him and the oncologist. Both good doctors with lots of questions. One of the questions the Fellow asked was why I was there? The response that immediately came into my head (but not out of my mouth) was, "because i don't want to die and i'm hoping you can save me". Oof.
So, the news wasn't great. The tumor hasn't changed....which really sucks cause the chemo sure has been kicking my ass! I was hoping it was kicking the tumor's ass as well. I tend to focus on the negative here...the tumor hasn't shrunk. But if you want to look on the bright side...the tumor hasn't gotten any bigger either.
They want to try a different chemo regimen. It would involve a new medication (a variation of a medication i reacted to earlier) and a more intense schedule. They would like me to try 4 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Knowing how sick i get, this is pretty daunting for me. They are reducing (slightly) the amount of one of the meds and are hoping that maybe it will result in my not being quite as sick. Also might try a couple new nausea meds (fingers crossed). They are hoping this new med combo along with the intense schedule might work to shrink the tumor. If it turns out that I just can't tolerate the meds for that long, they will back off to the every other week schedule i'm on now.
There is an ever-so-slight chance of surgery. They talked to a surgeon who told them that normally, he would not consider doing surgery. They do this kind of thing for pancreatic cancer patients, but not for metastatic colon cancer. However, because I am so young and in decent shape, he will consider it. Of course there is an IF... they want me to have a PET/CT scan (which I would have to do up there). IF it comes back clean, then he would consider surgery. However, if it shows there is "disease" other places in my body, then he will not consider it. They also really need the tumor to shrink. He mentioned the possibility of radiation, but it was just a brief comment so I'm not really sure on that. He also made it a point to tell me more than once that regardless...the surgery is VERY high risk.
There you have it.
The news of the unchanged tumor and of more chemo sent me into a downward spiral. It was a tough couple of days following the appointment. I'm feeling a little better, mentally, today. I'm having abdominal pain again, which is irritating (and painful). However, I'm ready to jump into this fight again. Get chemo started and hope and pray that the tumor responds to the new med.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone praying so hard for me and my family. If you ever think "i wish there was something I could do"....send up a prayer.
As most of you probably know from my Facebook post we made the trip to Mayo. It is a humbling place to be for sure. I was reduced to tears as we waited for our seats for dinner by the number of people who are being wheeled around in wheel chairs. The reality of that place and the reason people are there is hard. And there are so. many. people there. Heartbreaking.
We (Ben, my sister Mia and I) spent a lot of time in a little room waiting for the doctors. We met with a Fellow first, and then met with him and the oncologist. Both good doctors with lots of questions. One of the questions the Fellow asked was why I was there? The response that immediately came into my head (but not out of my mouth) was, "because i don't want to die and i'm hoping you can save me". Oof.
So, the news wasn't great. The tumor hasn't changed....which really sucks cause the chemo sure has been kicking my ass! I was hoping it was kicking the tumor's ass as well. I tend to focus on the negative here...the tumor hasn't shrunk. But if you want to look on the bright side...the tumor hasn't gotten any bigger either.
They want to try a different chemo regimen. It would involve a new medication (a variation of a medication i reacted to earlier) and a more intense schedule. They would like me to try 4 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Knowing how sick i get, this is pretty daunting for me. They are reducing (slightly) the amount of one of the meds and are hoping that maybe it will result in my not being quite as sick. Also might try a couple new nausea meds (fingers crossed). They are hoping this new med combo along with the intense schedule might work to shrink the tumor. If it turns out that I just can't tolerate the meds for that long, they will back off to the every other week schedule i'm on now.
There is an ever-so-slight chance of surgery. They talked to a surgeon who told them that normally, he would not consider doing surgery. They do this kind of thing for pancreatic cancer patients, but not for metastatic colon cancer. However, because I am so young and in decent shape, he will consider it. Of course there is an IF... they want me to have a PET/CT scan (which I would have to do up there). IF it comes back clean, then he would consider surgery. However, if it shows there is "disease" other places in my body, then he will not consider it. They also really need the tumor to shrink. He mentioned the possibility of radiation, but it was just a brief comment so I'm not really sure on that. He also made it a point to tell me more than once that regardless...the surgery is VERY high risk.
There you have it.
The news of the unchanged tumor and of more chemo sent me into a downward spiral. It was a tough couple of days following the appointment. I'm feeling a little better, mentally, today. I'm having abdominal pain again, which is irritating (and painful). However, I'm ready to jump into this fight again. Get chemo started and hope and pray that the tumor responds to the new med.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone praying so hard for me and my family. If you ever think "i wish there was something I could do"....send up a prayer.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
dancing queen
Oh my...time passes too quickly.
I survived another round of chemo last week. It was miserable and that's all i want to say about it.
Tomorrow i have my CT scan. I won't get the results tomorrow - i will have to wait til my Mayo Clinic appointment to get those - but I'm scared nonetheless. Terrified of the results. I am looking forward to the Mayo appointment (Dec 5), but also really really scared of what we will hear there.
I'm having some pain. Not the amount of pain i was having before treatments started - where I couldn't even stand up straight. But still...it's there. Constant reminder that there's a lump of cancer sitting in the middle of me. God how i wish it wasn't there.
I'm doing a lot of looking at old pictures, or even thinking about one year ago and how I felt and desperately wishing I could feel that way again. Normal. Healthy. Carefree. Not thinking about the what-ifs.
You wanna hear something awful? If not skip to the next paragraph...but here it is: i've lost weight since this all started, so all of my jeans are too big. But every time I think about buying new clothes, I think "well...what's the point of buying new stuff if i'm going to die anyway?" Seriously. That is the thought that goes through my head. Yikes.
Moving on.
I got my house decorated for Christmas. Before Thanksgiving even. Generally it's been a "rule" around here that there's no Christmas until after Thanksgiving, but I said "uh...no". Christmas decorations make me happy so I'm putting them up! Glad I did too, cause December gets busy so quickly with basketball games starting, holiday parties, travel, etc.
Games start this week. I love watching the boys play sports...but it can also be so frustrating and heartwrenching...which is silly when you think about it. It's a game. It should be enjoyable. Something for me to work on this season...just ENJOY it.
So, this week will be busy with basketball, a concert, a fun night out with friends, and a dinner/dance this weekend where I hope to be feeling well enough to DANCE.
You know that song...I Hope You Dance (or whatever it's called)? I can't listen to that song without crying (like...sobbing). I need to print the lyrics and give them to the boys and just tell them "THIS....this right here. Read this and pretend it's me telling you all of these things"
Dance everyone. I hope you dance.
I survived another round of chemo last week. It was miserable and that's all i want to say about it.
Tomorrow i have my CT scan. I won't get the results tomorrow - i will have to wait til my Mayo Clinic appointment to get those - but I'm scared nonetheless. Terrified of the results. I am looking forward to the Mayo appointment (Dec 5), but also really really scared of what we will hear there.
I'm having some pain. Not the amount of pain i was having before treatments started - where I couldn't even stand up straight. But still...it's there. Constant reminder that there's a lump of cancer sitting in the middle of me. God how i wish it wasn't there.
I'm doing a lot of looking at old pictures, or even thinking about one year ago and how I felt and desperately wishing I could feel that way again. Normal. Healthy. Carefree. Not thinking about the what-ifs.
You wanna hear something awful? If not skip to the next paragraph...but here it is: i've lost weight since this all started, so all of my jeans are too big. But every time I think about buying new clothes, I think "well...what's the point of buying new stuff if i'm going to die anyway?" Seriously. That is the thought that goes through my head. Yikes.
Moving on.
I got my house decorated for Christmas. Before Thanksgiving even. Generally it's been a "rule" around here that there's no Christmas until after Thanksgiving, but I said "uh...no". Christmas decorations make me happy so I'm putting them up! Glad I did too, cause December gets busy so quickly with basketball games starting, holiday parties, travel, etc.
Games start this week. I love watching the boys play sports...but it can also be so frustrating and heartwrenching...which is silly when you think about it. It's a game. It should be enjoyable. Something for me to work on this season...just ENJOY it.
So, this week will be busy with basketball, a concert, a fun night out with friends, and a dinner/dance this weekend where I hope to be feeling well enough to DANCE.
You know that song...I Hope You Dance (or whatever it's called)? I can't listen to that song without crying (like...sobbing). I need to print the lyrics and give them to the boys and just tell them "THIS....this right here. Read this and pretend it's me telling you all of these things"
Dance everyone. I hope you dance.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
keeping my head above water (barely)
I'm heading into my "off" week - which is good. Each treatment seems to get harder. I am sicker each time, in bed for longer, and just generally more miserable. Last round was no fun...but fortunately i'm starting to feel like i have some energy again, so that's good.
I got treated Monday and was literally in bed until Thursday...and in bed most of that day. I was able to get up and shower, which takes about all the energy I have. I have to lie down for a while just from standing in the shower. After 3 days of not eating and being sick i have absolutely nothing left in me. I look in the mirror and look like a shell. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, drink, and slowly work my way back to life and that it's okay that I need to sit down for a while after getting exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom. It's Sunday and I am still a little more tired than my "normal" self would be...but manage to do normal-self things for the most part.
I'm fighting some harsh reality thoughts going through my head again.
I was going through anger/sadness - a lot of "why me", "i wish this wasn't happening", "i hate this", "i want to go back in time and somehow prevent this", etc. Now all that has turned to a sort of realism/not great outlook on how all of this is going to turn out. I want to be super hopeful about my re-scan and my upcoming Mayo Clinic appointment...but just can't seem to get there. Maybe not wanting to set myself up for disappointment? Prepare for the worst? But really....how can i prepare myself for the worst? I mean...the worst is THE WORST and I can't imagine there's anyway to prepare myself for it.
I could go on and on about all the awful thoughts in my head, but then we'd all be super depressed....so let's not go there.
I went to church this morning. The bell choir was playing and I wanted to hear them. I used to play in the bell choir. And I loved it. I haven't seen the "ladies" so seeing them this morning was pretty emotional for me. There was a fantastic hug-fest during the "stand and greet your neighbor" time. I couldn't hold back tears. And it was true for many other members of the church as well. So many hugs and greetings and people letting me know they are praying for me. If anyone ever asks what they can do...that's what they can do. Keep praying.
On Friday when I made my way downstairs to eat breakfast, i was met with a stack of cards that had come in the mail. After a rough week it was so nice to sit down and read the cards and well-wishes. It is so nice to have so many people trying to keep me lifted up. I need it...i really do.
I got treated Monday and was literally in bed until Thursday...and in bed most of that day. I was able to get up and shower, which takes about all the energy I have. I have to lie down for a while just from standing in the shower. After 3 days of not eating and being sick i have absolutely nothing left in me. I look in the mirror and look like a shell. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, drink, and slowly work my way back to life and that it's okay that I need to sit down for a while after getting exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom. It's Sunday and I am still a little more tired than my "normal" self would be...but manage to do normal-self things for the most part.
I'm fighting some harsh reality thoughts going through my head again.
I was going through anger/sadness - a lot of "why me", "i wish this wasn't happening", "i hate this", "i want to go back in time and somehow prevent this", etc. Now all that has turned to a sort of realism/not great outlook on how all of this is going to turn out. I want to be super hopeful about my re-scan and my upcoming Mayo Clinic appointment...but just can't seem to get there. Maybe not wanting to set myself up for disappointment? Prepare for the worst? But really....how can i prepare myself for the worst? I mean...the worst is THE WORST and I can't imagine there's anyway to prepare myself for it.
I could go on and on about all the awful thoughts in my head, but then we'd all be super depressed....so let's not go there.
I went to church this morning. The bell choir was playing and I wanted to hear them. I used to play in the bell choir. And I loved it. I haven't seen the "ladies" so seeing them this morning was pretty emotional for me. There was a fantastic hug-fest during the "stand and greet your neighbor" time. I couldn't hold back tears. And it was true for many other members of the church as well. So many hugs and greetings and people letting me know they are praying for me. If anyone ever asks what they can do...that's what they can do. Keep praying.
On Friday when I made my way downstairs to eat breakfast, i was met with a stack of cards that had come in the mail. After a rough week it was so nice to sit down and read the cards and well-wishes. It is so nice to have so many people trying to keep me lifted up. I need it...i really do.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Eat the cake, drink the drink
There is a lot of information out there about "health", and what it means to be "healthy". It's hard to know which way to turn sometimes if you are trying to improve upon your eating/exercise/etc habits. I get a lot of unsolicited advice (all well meaning and really appreciated) regarding what I "should" be doing in regards to my treatment (or self treatment). I should be taking this supplement, diffusing this oil, looking into this option... And holy cow, if I were to head to the internet (which, btw, as a rule i do not. Ignorance is bliss for me) I'm sure i would be completely overwhelmed.
But sometimes I think....it's all just bullshit.
One year ago today Ben and I went to Rochester to the Mayo Clinic for full physicals. I've never had a really comprehensive physical and I was excited to do it and see the results. At the end of 2 days of bloodwork, x-rays, stress test, ekg, urine test...you name it, we met with our respective doctors and talked about our results. My dr was beside herself. She said they rarely see people "like me" up there and that the cardiologist sang my praises (which she said they never do). My vitamin and mineral levels were all perfect. I was the "picture of health".
The picture of health.
Skip ahead one year.
ONE. FREAKING. YEAR.
Right?
So, what's the point of this post? Certainly not to tell you to just stop exercising and eating healthy etc cause you never know. No. Keep exercising. Keep eating healthy. That's good stuff right there. And teach those habits to your kids while you're at it.
HOWEVER,
do not beat yourself up about a few extra pounds. Please. Do not NOT eat the birthday cake cause you want to be a certain size.
Drink the drink, eat the cake....life's too short.
Cheers y'all.
But sometimes I think....it's all just bullshit.
One year ago today Ben and I went to Rochester to the Mayo Clinic for full physicals. I've never had a really comprehensive physical and I was excited to do it and see the results. At the end of 2 days of bloodwork, x-rays, stress test, ekg, urine test...you name it, we met with our respective doctors and talked about our results. My dr was beside herself. She said they rarely see people "like me" up there and that the cardiologist sang my praises (which she said they never do). My vitamin and mineral levels were all perfect. I was the "picture of health".
The picture of health.
Skip ahead one year.
ONE. FREAKING. YEAR.
Right?
So, what's the point of this post? Certainly not to tell you to just stop exercising and eating healthy etc cause you never know. No. Keep exercising. Keep eating healthy. That's good stuff right there. And teach those habits to your kids while you're at it.
HOWEVER,
do not beat yourself up about a few extra pounds. Please. Do not NOT eat the birthday cake cause you want to be a certain size.
Drink the drink, eat the cake....life's too short.
Cheers y'all.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
tomorrow, tomorrow, i loathe you, tomorrow....
Tomorrow is another treatment day...which means another miserable week. To say i'm not looking forward to it is an understatement.
My sister has taken the day off work to come sit with me. I usually sleep for a lot of it, but it's always nice to have someone there with me.
Ugh. I don't want to think about it....
So. Enjoyed a nice weekend. Went to the home football game Friday. Lazed around Saturday and worked on laundry (never ending at my house). Got to spend some time with my sister in law and my adorable nephew. Went to Sioux City today and ran some errands and watched Tyler play his last Fall ball games. Also celebrated Charlie's birthday all weekend (actual b-day is today). Sammy's been sick all last week, poor kid. I'm hoping that I don't get whatever it is that he has. Lots of hand washing and diffusing On Guard. Fingers crossed...
I did finally get an appointment secured at Mayo Clinic. Dec 5th. Hoping everything goes well between now and then so plans don't have to change.
My sister has taken the day off work to come sit with me. I usually sleep for a lot of it, but it's always nice to have someone there with me.
Ugh. I don't want to think about it....
So. Enjoyed a nice weekend. Went to the home football game Friday. Lazed around Saturday and worked on laundry (never ending at my house). Got to spend some time with my sister in law and my adorable nephew. Went to Sioux City today and ran some errands and watched Tyler play his last Fall ball games. Also celebrated Charlie's birthday all weekend (actual b-day is today). Sammy's been sick all last week, poor kid. I'm hoping that I don't get whatever it is that he has. Lots of hand washing and diffusing On Guard. Fingers crossed...
I did finally get an appointment secured at Mayo Clinic. Dec 5th. Hoping everything goes well between now and then so plans don't have to change.
Friday, October 19, 2018
This is serious sh*t
I haven't posted in a while. Last round of chemo totally kicked my butt. I'm enjoying my "off" week but every day that passes is just another day closer to the next round. Really not looking forward to it.
I was hit hard with reality this past week. Not that I haven't been hit hard with it before...so i guess i was hit hard again. I stopped at work this past week - for the first time since my diagnosis. I've been avoiding it cause I knew it would be hard for me. But, I was feeling good and wanted to get my locker cleaned out so someone else can use it, so I went. We were talking about how I'm doing, treatments, how dehydrated I am, and a co-worker said she remembers her mom being dehydrated as well. Her mom had breast cancer when she was really young...fought it for 3 years and passed away. BOOM. Hello reality.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. Ben and I sat down and I said, "the reality is...i might fight this for a while and then still die". We talked about our wills, etc....all stuff that is awful to think/talk about but necessary.
And here I am still thinking about it. I know I can't fixate on this...try to stay positive, think positive, have faith and all that. But...well...reality. People die from cancer.
This is tough. I hate the thought of my parents losing their daughter, my siblings losing a sister, my husband losing his wife. Mostly I hate the thought of my boys having to go through losing their mom. I hate the thought of not getting to watch them continue to grow up. I hate the thought of not seeing them get married, and getting to hold my grandkids. I don't want them to be sad and to miss me and I don't want to miss being there for them.
Mostly...i don't want them to hurt. I don't want them to have to go through losing their mom. I want to be here.
The only thing I can ever remember wanting to "be" when I grew up was a mom. I wanted to have kids and be a stay at home mom. That was my dream...and it came true. These boys of mine are the greatest gift I have ever been given and I love them so much I could never put it into words. To think about not being here with them is more than I can take. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm scared. Fucking cancer.
I hate cancer so much.
I was hit hard with reality this past week. Not that I haven't been hit hard with it before...so i guess i was hit hard again. I stopped at work this past week - for the first time since my diagnosis. I've been avoiding it cause I knew it would be hard for me. But, I was feeling good and wanted to get my locker cleaned out so someone else can use it, so I went. We were talking about how I'm doing, treatments, how dehydrated I am, and a co-worker said she remembers her mom being dehydrated as well. Her mom had breast cancer when she was really young...fought it for 3 years and passed away. BOOM. Hello reality.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. Ben and I sat down and I said, "the reality is...i might fight this for a while and then still die". We talked about our wills, etc....all stuff that is awful to think/talk about but necessary.
And here I am still thinking about it. I know I can't fixate on this...try to stay positive, think positive, have faith and all that. But...well...reality. People die from cancer.
This is tough. I hate the thought of my parents losing their daughter, my siblings losing a sister, my husband losing his wife. Mostly I hate the thought of my boys having to go through losing their mom. I hate the thought of not getting to watch them continue to grow up. I hate the thought of not seeing them get married, and getting to hold my grandkids. I don't want them to be sad and to miss me and I don't want to miss being there for them.
Mostly...i don't want them to hurt. I don't want them to have to go through losing their mom. I want to be here.
The only thing I can ever remember wanting to "be" when I grew up was a mom. I wanted to have kids and be a stay at home mom. That was my dream...and it came true. These boys of mine are the greatest gift I have ever been given and I love them so much I could never put it into words. To think about not being here with them is more than I can take. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm scared. Fucking cancer.
I hate cancer so much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)