I haven't posted in a while. Last round of chemo totally kicked my butt. I'm enjoying my "off" week but every day that passes is just another day closer to the next round. Really not looking forward to it.
I was hit hard with reality this past week. Not that I haven't been hit hard with it before...so i guess i was hit hard again. I stopped at work this past week - for the first time since my diagnosis. I've been avoiding it cause I knew it would be hard for me. But, I was feeling good and wanted to get my locker cleaned out so someone else can use it, so I went. We were talking about how I'm doing, treatments, how dehydrated I am, and a co-worker said she remembers her mom being dehydrated as well. Her mom had breast cancer when she was really young...fought it for 3 years and passed away. BOOM. Hello reality.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. Ben and I sat down and I said, "the reality is...i might fight this for a while and then still die". We talked about our wills, etc....all stuff that is awful to think/talk about but necessary.
And here I am still thinking about it. I know I can't fixate on this...try to stay positive, think positive, have faith and all that. But...well...reality. People die from cancer.
This is tough. I hate the thought of my parents losing their daughter, my siblings losing a sister, my husband losing his wife. Mostly I hate the thought of my boys having to go through losing their mom. I hate the thought of not getting to watch them continue to grow up. I hate the thought of not seeing them get married, and getting to hold my grandkids. I don't want them to be sad and to miss me and I don't want to miss being there for them.
Mostly...i don't want them to hurt. I don't want them to have to go through losing their mom. I want to be here.
The only thing I can ever remember wanting to "be" when I grew up was a mom. I wanted to have kids and be a stay at home mom. That was my dream...and it came true. These boys of mine are the greatest gift I have ever been given and I love them so much I could never put it into words. To think about not being here with them is more than I can take. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm scared. Fucking cancer.
I hate cancer so much.
This morning I was at home cleaning out the garden and you were so front and center in my thoughts...your energy permeates our environment. I mean that is so many good ways, Sarah. As our kids have grown, you are a part of so many activities and so many lives.
ReplyDeleteNot only are you an amazing mom, but you have provided great places for all of our kids to be! Our kids (as am I) are so lucky to have you as part of the village. I wish so very much that there was a different current reality. But, please know that you are not alone. Know that there are a mountain of prayers coming from every direction...praying for healing, praying for comfort, praying for hope, praying for every tomorrow.
I've worn those heavy shoes so many times in the last few months. If you're doing ok, I'm doing ok. If you're not doing ok, I'm not doing ok. I can burst into tears in the middle of Target just bumping into a family member. But I believe you can beat this and ARE beating this. You were in SO much pain at first, and now it's better to the point that you don't have to take the heavy hitter drugs. I choose to believe that means the treatment is working. And I know not everyone wins this battle, but people tell me all the time about someone they know who has. Feryle just told me the other day about a lady in her 80's who's fought it 6 times. I'm praying you don't have to do that. But I'm also praying you get to be 80! I have so much hope. Please, you have it too.
ReplyDeleteSarah - WTH? I signed off FB for the past 3 years but decided to get back to the “real world” & activate my acct. I had no idea all of this was going on with you?! So many thoughts & whys running through my mind right now. Ugh. No words except beat this shit & let’s connect ASAP. Prayers & kick butt. Love ya, Lacey
ReplyDeleteIt's that the meaning of moments have changed. The moments of fun, healthy, easy, energy are limited - maybe for a while, maybe for good. Regardless, they will still be filled with love. Probably more love. Simple love. Time, who knows? Moments, yes. As your story develops, twists & turns ~ this is what I'm learning. xoxo-Stacey
ReplyDeleteHugs....whatever you need let us know. Wish I could make this go away. You are a mom for the entire south central. You have been there for all of us. Praying for you everyday. This sucks and I am so sorry.
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