Oh my...time passes too quickly.
I survived another round of chemo last week. It was miserable and that's all i want to say about it.
Tomorrow i have my CT scan. I won't get the results tomorrow - i will have to wait til my Mayo Clinic appointment to get those - but I'm scared nonetheless. Terrified of the results. I am looking forward to the Mayo appointment (Dec 5), but also really really scared of what we will hear there.
I'm having some pain. Not the amount of pain i was having before treatments started - where I couldn't even stand up straight. But still...it's there. Constant reminder that there's a lump of cancer sitting in the middle of me. God how i wish it wasn't there.
I'm doing a lot of looking at old pictures, or even thinking about one year ago and how I felt and desperately wishing I could feel that way again. Normal. Healthy. Carefree. Not thinking about the what-ifs.
You wanna hear something awful? If not skip to the next paragraph...but here it is: i've lost weight since this all started, so all of my jeans are too big. But every time I think about buying new clothes, I think "well...what's the point of buying new stuff if i'm going to die anyway?" Seriously. That is the thought that goes through my head. Yikes.
Moving on.
I got my house decorated for Christmas. Before Thanksgiving even. Generally it's been a "rule" around here that there's no Christmas until after Thanksgiving, but I said "uh...no". Christmas decorations make me happy so I'm putting them up! Glad I did too, cause December gets busy so quickly with basketball games starting, holiday parties, travel, etc.
Games start this week. I love watching the boys play sports...but it can also be so frustrating and heartwrenching...which is silly when you think about it. It's a game. It should be enjoyable. Something for me to work on this season...just ENJOY it.
So, this week will be busy with basketball, a concert, a fun night out with friends, and a dinner/dance this weekend where I hope to be feeling well enough to DANCE.
You know that song...I Hope You Dance (or whatever it's called)? I can't listen to that song without crying (like...sobbing). I need to print the lyrics and give them to the boys and just tell them "THIS....this right here. Read this and pretend it's me telling you all of these things"
Dance everyone. I hope you dance.
Even though I can't begin to understand the countless what-if's, I do see the what-now's. And how you bounce back time and time again...getting back to laundry, vacuuming dog hair, running errands, going to school events...is nothing short of amazing! Cuz that is who you are and will continue to be!❤️
ReplyDelete"Ooh, see that girl
Watch that scene
Dig in the dancing queen"
Sarah, I so much appreciate these updates, sitting her across the state of Iowa, praying for you and your dearest Mom, my dearest. I know you'll dance this weekend & be cute. Remember the year your Mom & I voted your dress the cutest? So pretend we are there & voting the same. Go Tornadoes, too! I send Love.
ReplyDeleteI cannot stop thinking about you and your family. I, too, hope you are feeling well enough to DANCE and that we can all enjoy dancing in your presence. One of my favorite things about you is how you love to dance - and how you exude enjoyment and laughter when you do so. Can't wait to see you this weekend and experience that with you! -Katelyn
ReplyDeleteJive, tango, waltz,line,breakdancing, toe tap, head nod.....whatever it is enjoy the beat of the music! Much love to you my friend. Hugs and daily prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and admire you for so many things your courage is number 1! You will dance till the sun comes up Beautiful Lady!!! Christmas is the time of year where the twinkle in everyone's eyes is there and your twinkle and smile have always said a million things. I love your blog and say a prayer each night for you. You are keeping it real lady and moving forward that's the Sarah I know and love. Let that twinkle in your eyes shine and put the dancing shoes on !!!!!
ReplyDelete