keeping my head above water (barely)

I'm heading into my "off" week - which is good. Each treatment seems to get harder. I am sicker each time, in bed for longer, and just generally more miserable. Last round was no fun...but fortunately i'm starting to feel like i have some energy again, so that's good.
I got treated Monday and was literally in bed until Thursday...and in bed most of that day. I was able to get up and shower, which takes about all the energy I have. I have to lie down for a while just from standing in the shower. After 3 days of not eating and being sick i have absolutely nothing left in me. I look in the mirror and look like a shell. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, drink, and slowly work my way back to life and that it's okay that I need to sit down for a while after getting exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom. It's Sunday and I am still a little more tired than my "normal" self would be...but manage to do normal-self things for the most part.
I'm fighting some harsh reality thoughts going through my head again.
I was going through anger/sadness - a lot of "why me", "i wish this wasn't happening", "i hate this", "i want to go back in time and somehow prevent this", etc.  Now all that has turned to a sort of realism/not great outlook on how all of this is going to turn out.  I want to be super hopeful about my re-scan and my upcoming Mayo Clinic appointment...but just can't seem to get there.  Maybe not wanting to set myself up for disappointment?  Prepare for the worst?  But really....how can i prepare myself for the worst?  I mean...the worst is THE WORST and I can't imagine there's anyway to prepare myself for it.
I could go on and on about all the awful thoughts in my head, but then we'd all be super depressed....so let's not go there.

I went to church this morning. The bell choir was playing and I wanted to hear them.  I used to play in the bell choir.  And I loved it. I haven't seen the "ladies" so seeing them this morning was pretty emotional for me. There was a fantastic hug-fest during the "stand and greet your neighbor" time.  I couldn't hold back tears. And it was true for many other members of the church as well.  So many hugs and greetings and people letting me know they are praying for me. If anyone ever asks what they can do...that's what they can do.  Keep praying.

On Friday when I made my way downstairs to eat breakfast, i was met with a stack of cards that had come in the mail. After a rough week it was so nice to sit down and read the cards and well-wishes.  It is so nice to have so many people trying to keep me lifted up. I need it...i really do.