4:00 routine busted

I love The Ellen Show.  It just makes me happy to watch it.  I love the silly dancing, Ellen's sense of humor, her compassion for humankind, and that she ends each show by saying "be kind to one another".  I look forward to it at 4:00 each day.  Today is no different....except it's NOT ON!  Cause the stupid senate judiciary hearing is on.  UGH.  Can't we leave that to the news channels so the rest of us who DON'T want to watch it all go down can still have the bright spot in our day?
Apparently, no.

So, i'm bummed about that.  Not a major life event or anything, but a bummer nonetheless.

It's Thursday.  I went yesterday and got some IV nausea meds and fluids in an effort to, well, not feel nauseated and stay hydrated.  The problem is that just going to the oncology center and getting hooked up to an IV makes me feel nauseated.  I don't care how much anti-nausea stuff they're giving me...i still feel sick.
I'm scheduled to go back tomorrow, but I'm choosing not to go.  I think i am better off staying home and trying to drink more water (still a struggle) and use the anti-nausea pills I have (which, btw, are not the best.  project for next dr visit). Nausea is such a mental monster. I really don't like it.
I wish the whole drinking liquids thing wasn't such an issue.  I don't know why it is exactly.  Something about drinking makes me feel...well...bleah. OJ seems to go down okay sometimes.  And I'm trying popsicles as well. If I had any luck picking a good watermelon I'd probably eat the whole thing.

My other issue is still in full force, unfortunately.

I received a bunch of cards in the mail today.  I so appreciate everyone sending cards/notes and letting me know they are thinking of me and praying for me.

❤️

Late night Thank you notes

Ever watch jimmy Fallon?  I don’t stay up late enough, but thankfully they put clips on you tube so I can watch some of it during the day. I think he’s so funny and really good at his job. Anyway, he does a thing called “thank you notes” - and that’s where this comes from. 

Dear chemo drugs,

I really REALLY hope you are doing you job in there and fighting  like crazy to kill all of the cancer that has decided to set up shop in my body. Seriously. I have so much hope in you. I desperately need you to fight HARD and win. I pray for you all the time. 

In the meantime, you are definitely kicking my ass out here. But if that’s what it takes - keep up the hard work.  

Sincerely, 

🤢

Dear anti nausea meds,

 I would appreciate it if you would start working any time now. I mean, you have one job - as stated on your label: to prevent nausea and vomiting. I’m sure you are up against something pretty powerful, but I hope you aren’t just giving up! I could use some help out here.

Sincerely, 

🤢

Dear trident gum, 

Wow. I’m so glad I had you on my nightstand tonight!  This taste in my mouth so awful! But you are killing it! You are also giving me something to chew on which is helping to keep my mind off of things. Thank you!

😝🤢

Dear brain, 

Okay there. I think I got it all out. Could you just “turn off” for awhile so I can get some sleep?  It’s late, I’m tired, and if I’m asleep I can’t feel how awful I feel. 

Please and thank you. 

😳🤢😳

Chemo day

First of all let me say I’m posting from my phone so there may be a lot of typos/autocorrects in here.

Today was a treatment day. I just got home about 20 min ago and am exhausted. Really wiped out. I should probably just let myself sleep but then worry I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  So I’ll post this and then probably crash. 😴

Lots of interesting things today. But first...a little backstory.
You know how I mentioned that I ended up in the hospital after my last treatment?  Well, I may have left out that.part of the reason was that I was having chest pains. My heart was having some spasms. Yeah.
Today I found out that the pump (the dreaded pump of 5FU) can cause that to happen...and can actually cause a heart attack!  Needless to say, after having those spasms last time, I will no longer be receiving the 5FU. And yes, that means NO PUMP!!!  I feel like it’s a bit of a double edged sword. On the one hand: no pump!!  On the other hand: no 5FU helping to stop this damn cancer from spreading. (Although technically it’s supposed to help keep the cancer from metastisizing and look at how THAT turned out)
So then ben and I were talking with the nurses about how I tend to react to drugs when very few people react. I think the nurse said maybe 7%?  I reacted to one of the chemo meds 10 years ago and also had a reaction to Neulasta (which the nurses were like “really? Neulasta?  That’s crazy”). I got starred on all my “pre-meds”, had just started eating lunch and all-of-a-sudden didn’t feel right. Chest started tightening, breathing got difficult, and I started to get super HOT.  My face literally turns Red. I looked and ben and said “go get Deb (my amazing nurse whom I adore)..somethings wrong”. Yep...I reacted to one of the pre-meds.
So gthey stop the meds, push fluids, get Benadryl going and call the oncologist in. I get a quick check and they cross that med off the list from now on and add it to my growing “she can’t have that” list. 🤦🏼‍♀️  Fortunately I reacted to a PREmed so I could still get treated.
And that explains why I’m so freaking tired. Benadryl and drug reactions will do that to a girl.

Luckily, I “filled my bucket” this past weekend with all kinds of awesomeness. The Aware run/walk Saturday morning (fundraiser for cancer patients) was just amazing. I had a great group of friends and family (all 3 boys 😍)who came out and ran/walked in support of me (complete with 2 legit 2 quit T-shirts!), then got to watch charlie play flag football. We were surprised by the best group of guys Saturday afternoon/evening when bens high school/college friends showed up. I love them so much!!! Sunday tyler and Sammy both played baseball and it was a beautiful day to sit outside and cheer them on. Pretty much a perfect weekend.
And then!  Yeah...more!  My mom and Rhonda sat with me during treatment (even tho I slept for a bit of it), and When I got home ben had set up the bed, gotten me water, vacuumed the house, had the remote and books set out...so all I had to do was come home and climb in bed. Which puts me where I’m at right now.

I know I have cancer and that sucks pretty hard. But also...I’m one lucky girl. ❤️

TMI

If you choose to read this blog, I feel I should warn you that there might be a little TMI out here sometimes.  Like right now.  :)

I've been struggling with a lot of things - like pain, nausea, fatigue, weight loss, dehydration...and diarrhea.  The diarrhea you guys. 

I could handle all of those other things if the stupid diarrhea would just stop already!

I blame it for the weight loss and dehydration.  My appetite is actually pretty good (when I stay on top of the nausea), and I eat pretty much whatever the hell I want (calories shmalories at this point...i'm too thin and it grosses me out).  The problem is all that seems to just go straight through me.  I hope my body is clinging to at least some of it - any calories or nutrition it can hold onto would be great. So if you see me (well, first of all be shocked cause i stay home almost all the time cause you never know when my stomach might cramp up and I have to run to the bathroom)...but if you see me and think "wow, she needs to eat"...believe me..i'm trying.  Instead you should think "wow...i hope she stops pooping soon".  :)

I made a list of things to talk to the dr about on Monday.  Diarrhea is one of them (again).  Maybe this time I will be more insistent on figuring out WHY THE HELL??  I say that, but in reality when I get to the dr my mind goes blank and i just sit there and nod. Last time I went in on my own and afterwards my mom and Ben were asking all kinds of "did you ask him this?" questions and I was like...uh...no?  I told Ben that I can't go in there alone anymore.  I obviously can't be trusted on my own.  He will be coming in with me from now on.

This weekend is supposed to be nice and there is a lot going on. AWARE run/walk on Saturday morning!  I have a team of warriors doing this event - including Tyler and Sammy. After the event Charlie has football, and on Sunday the boys will be playing baseball.  All of these things are happening in Storm Lake and I am planning to attend them all.  HOPING I won't be sprinting towards a bathroom during any/all of them!!!

 ❤️

2nd time around

So, 10 years ago I found it helpful to have a blog.  It helped me to get out all my thoughts and feelings - like a diary of sorts.  It was also an easy way for people to check in and see how I was doing (or at least i think it was).  Also, I don't want to flood FB with a ton of long updates.  This way if someone is curious they can check here and it doesn't have to be all over my FB page.  Lets save that for pictures and funny stuff.

So just a quick update....
i had my first chemo treatment last week. Monday was a long day of sitting in oncology.  Each medicine they give me takes time, and there are quite a few to go through. Typically it will take about 4-5 hours each time. Once those meds are finished, I get hooked up to a pump that I take home. The medicine is called 5FU (yep) and it is a slow drip.  Takes 46 hours to administer. I hate the damn pump. I hate the smell of the tape that keeps the port access covered. The thought of it makes me get queezy. In any case, over the course of the 46 hours i was super nauseated, became severely dehydrated and malnurished.  By the time the pump came off on Wednesday I was barely able to walk on my own and could hardly talk above a whisper. The oncology nurse had me lie in a bed and hooked me up to fluids. After a trip to the ER for some heart concerns, I was admitted and ended up staying 2 nights. Lucky for me, we have a fantastic hospital. Great nurses and an amazing on-call doc. By the time I left Friday morning, I was much better.

NOW - i am looking toward next monday (treatment day) with a little trepidation.  Not looking forward to the pump at all.  Hoping we can get a plan to keep me hydrated and avoid another hospital visit. Fingers crossed.

I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the kindess of SO many people. I'm in tears daily. The support of so many...the PRAYERS of so many.  It's amazing. ❤️