I survived another round of chemo...and what should be my last round of chemo for a while! I struck a deal with my oncologist up at mayo for only 4 rounds as opposed to the original 8 he had requested. Now...my next appointments aren't until the end of April and i'm not sure he knew how long of a break there would be, so i'm avoiding contact with him cause i don't want to draw attention to that fact and possibly have him change his mind. :)
And, i really need a break from chemo.
I plan to keep up with the carrot juice and push more vegetables and fruit as well. Hoping to kill it with nutrition. Vegetables are hard....just sayin.
This week i am heading to CHICAGO!! I'm very excited. There are a couple things going on...
1. Tyler and Sammy are going on a music trip and performing with the choir at Shed Aquarium. They had their choir concert last thursday....chemo day...so I couldn't go. Big bummer for me cause I love the choir concert every year.
2. A group of high school friends were wanting to try to get together. One of those friends actually lives in Chicago.....so i suggested that maybe we could all go to Chicago for a girls weekend - with the added bonus that I would be able to go watch the boys perform. And these crazy amazing friends of mine were ALL IN. Talk about your heart feeling like it could explode.
Soooo....a couple of us are driving Wednesday and others are flying in Thursday for what I anticipate being a really. fun. weekend. And I get to see the boys perform! Thankful doesn't touch the surface.
Meanwhile, the weather is finally starting to shape up a bit. The warmer temps got me out of the house last week on a glorious walk with one of my nearest and dearest who lives oh so far away. I love her so.so.much.
And last night one of my most favorite things happened....a stream of boys started arriving at our house to play "league" basketball. Watching them play and listening to them interact and having them come into the house to grab a drink and maybe chat a bit....i can't tell you how much i LOVE it. They all came in to watch the end of the Duke/UCF game (which was quite a finish!). So fun having them all in the family room reacting and cheering and talking about brackets. I am so lucky that my boys have such amazing friends. joy joy joy.
May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Monday, March 25, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
thank you for being a friend
I have mentioned it before, but really....Golden Girls. If you haven't checked out the re-runs i highly recommend. Sofia. Just sayin.
I was able to top off my bucket again last week with a visit to Algona to spend time with my sisters. Had a great lunch (if you've never been to Algona - it's worth a trip to go to The Chocolate Season for lunch and then buy some of their amazingly beautiful chocolates) and shopped at a really cute boutique. I bought overalls! I am very excited about them. My mom has always told me that you only "have" to do a trend once (and really you don't have to do them at all). Everything comes back around. There are quite a few styles right now that I cannot get behind...the high rise mom jeans and cropped tops? Uh...no thanks.
But overalls? Sign me up.
This week I am looking forward to really filling my bucket. Two of my dearest friends will be in town (one coming in from Alaska!). There is always amazing conversation, laughter, and so much love. The time I spend with them is so precious. Which got me thinking....
...the time I spend with all of my friends is so precious. If i sit and think about all of the incredible people in my life...the word "blessed" just doesn't seem big enough. I get cards and gifts and many times my mom will ask "how do you know that person?" And sometimes its just from a random meeting, or a friend of a friend, or someone who took classes from/with me - but I truly consider all of them - all of YOU - true friends. Not just someone i met once, or "just" an acquaintance. I don't know how or why but God has brought all of these amazing people into my life at one point or another - and there is so much kindness and goodness and intelligence and joy and sadness and heartbreak and LOVE shared between all of us. I have said it before...to sit and think about it is pretty overwhelming - and truly amazing. Spending time with each and every one of you has enhanced my life tremendously. There are no words to thank you enough, but know that i have very genuine love in my heart for each of you.
My devotional today said this (read as though Jesus is speaking):
As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.
I mean.
And now these three remain; faith, hope, and LOVE. But the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
* ALSO - my friend Rhonda (who I thank God for every day and have wondered frequently what I ever did in my life to deserve her incredible friendship) posted a comment on my last blog post with an amazing scripture from Matthew. Highly recommend checking it out.
I was able to top off my bucket again last week with a visit to Algona to spend time with my sisters. Had a great lunch (if you've never been to Algona - it's worth a trip to go to The Chocolate Season for lunch and then buy some of their amazingly beautiful chocolates) and shopped at a really cute boutique. I bought overalls! I am very excited about them. My mom has always told me that you only "have" to do a trend once (and really you don't have to do them at all). Everything comes back around. There are quite a few styles right now that I cannot get behind...the high rise mom jeans and cropped tops? Uh...no thanks.
But overalls? Sign me up.
This week I am looking forward to really filling my bucket. Two of my dearest friends will be in town (one coming in from Alaska!). There is always amazing conversation, laughter, and so much love. The time I spend with them is so precious. Which got me thinking....
...the time I spend with all of my friends is so precious. If i sit and think about all of the incredible people in my life...the word "blessed" just doesn't seem big enough. I get cards and gifts and many times my mom will ask "how do you know that person?" And sometimes its just from a random meeting, or a friend of a friend, or someone who took classes from/with me - but I truly consider all of them - all of YOU - true friends. Not just someone i met once, or "just" an acquaintance. I don't know how or why but God has brought all of these amazing people into my life at one point or another - and there is so much kindness and goodness and intelligence and joy and sadness and heartbreak and LOVE shared between all of us. I have said it before...to sit and think about it is pretty overwhelming - and truly amazing. Spending time with each and every one of you has enhanced my life tremendously. There are no words to thank you enough, but know that i have very genuine love in my heart for each of you.
My devotional today said this (read as though Jesus is speaking):
As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.
I mean.
And now these three remain; faith, hope, and LOVE. But the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
* ALSO - my friend Rhonda (who I thank God for every day and have wondered frequently what I ever did in my life to deserve her incredible friendship) posted a comment on my last blog post with an amazing scripture from Matthew. Highly recommend checking it out.
Monday, March 11, 2019
daylight and sleepless nights
I haven't slept well the past couple of nights. I'd blame daylight savings, but it started the night we moved the clocks forward so I don't feel like that's the reason. And while that whole time switch does usually mess me up for about a week, i will say that last night it was so nice to be sitting at the table at 6:30 and still have it light outside. All this to say, i don't mind daylight savings. I'm all for saving as much daylight as we can for the DAY. I wish we didn't have to fall back...just keep it as is.
Anyway, I didn't sleep well that night so last night i was exhausted when i got into bed at 10:30. And I laid there...and laid there...and laid there...
So then, of course, i start thinking "why in the heck can't I sleep? I'm so tired!" I'm not feeling stressed, or worried (i don't think), so as I laid there I just started thinking about everything that's on my mind (that might be keeping me awake):
* I'm taking a road trip to Chicago in a few weeks (super excited!! I'll blog about that another day)
* I got appointments scheduled up at Mayo Clinic for the last week in April and it's a lot
* I have 2 more chemo treatments to survive
* I want to do yoga tomorrow but will I be too stupid tired?
* I need to remember to make soup and deliver to a friend
* Stop at Sugar Bowl and pick up something on hold
* Drink all my carrot juice
* Back to thinking about Mayo Clinic and decisions....
And then i just started to cry. Like I said, i don't feel like i've been stressed or worried...but obviously the whole decision-making aspect of my illness is in the back of my mind always. I'm praying the carrot juice will somehow shrink the tumor for me so I don't have to utilize surgery. It's not my favorite option, even though i'm so glad it IS an option. It's a big, scary, BIG surgery. I think the part that gets me is that I don't even know HOW i will decide (i should say "we" but ultimately i think it's my choice). How do you make the choice to possibly put your life at perhaps greater risk - for what might be the greater good? The surgeon is confident and positive he can do this surgery. BUT. Of course...but....he can't speculate on my recovery, or that things will all work as planned post-surgery. We're messing with major organs and blood vessels here.
And all of this sounds like i'm stressed and worried, right? I still contend that I'm not. It doesn't feel like either of those things...it mostly just feels like uncertainty. Wondering how on earth i will ever be able to make that decision.
And then -
A good friend gave me a devotional that I read every morning. This was today's devotional:
WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I put that part in bold because WOW. I have read it at least 5 times.
In the back of my head i've been wondering if people are getting tired of my scripture and "wow moments" with God....but i'm not sorry. I'm really enjoying diving deeper into my faith and sharing it with others. And I figure this is my space to talk about what I want - and I want to share these moments where I truly feel that God is holding my hand and walking me through all of this. He continues to amaze me with His presence.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Anyway, I didn't sleep well that night so last night i was exhausted when i got into bed at 10:30. And I laid there...and laid there...and laid there...
So then, of course, i start thinking "why in the heck can't I sleep? I'm so tired!" I'm not feeling stressed, or worried (i don't think), so as I laid there I just started thinking about everything that's on my mind (that might be keeping me awake):
* I'm taking a road trip to Chicago in a few weeks (super excited!! I'll blog about that another day)
* I got appointments scheduled up at Mayo Clinic for the last week in April and it's a lot
* I have 2 more chemo treatments to survive
* I want to do yoga tomorrow but will I be too stupid tired?
* I need to remember to make soup and deliver to a friend
* Stop at Sugar Bowl and pick up something on hold
* Drink all my carrot juice
* Back to thinking about Mayo Clinic and decisions....
And then i just started to cry. Like I said, i don't feel like i've been stressed or worried...but obviously the whole decision-making aspect of my illness is in the back of my mind always. I'm praying the carrot juice will somehow shrink the tumor for me so I don't have to utilize surgery. It's not my favorite option, even though i'm so glad it IS an option. It's a big, scary, BIG surgery. I think the part that gets me is that I don't even know HOW i will decide (i should say "we" but ultimately i think it's my choice). How do you make the choice to possibly put your life at perhaps greater risk - for what might be the greater good? The surgeon is confident and positive he can do this surgery. BUT. Of course...but....he can't speculate on my recovery, or that things will all work as planned post-surgery. We're messing with major organs and blood vessels here.
And all of this sounds like i'm stressed and worried, right? I still contend that I'm not. It doesn't feel like either of those things...it mostly just feels like uncertainty. Wondering how on earth i will ever be able to make that decision.
And then -
A good friend gave me a devotional that I read every morning. This was today's devotional:
WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I put that part in bold because WOW. I have read it at least 5 times.
In the back of my head i've been wondering if people are getting tired of my scripture and "wow moments" with God....but i'm not sorry. I'm really enjoying diving deeper into my faith and sharing it with others. And I figure this is my space to talk about what I want - and I want to share these moments where I truly feel that God is holding my hand and walking me through all of this. He continues to amaze me with His presence.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Monday, March 4, 2019
1 down - 3 to go....
CHEMO. It's like a horrible 4-letter word (yes, i realize it's a 5-letter word...details...sheesh).
I made it through last weeks round. Sick. Tired. Pretty typical.
The thing is...I really feel like complete crap. To the point that I just don't even want to talk. Or can't talk. From the moment the meds start dripping until sometime Saturday when I start to feel a little more normal...i barely say 2 words. I find that I clench my teeth - which is really bad for my teeth - i know. I feel so bad when the boys come in to check on me. I just can't even answer their questions. I nod my head. I try to say a couple words. But mostly I just sit there looking miserable. They get it. They don't press. They sit for a couple seconds of silence before saying "okay. let me know if you need anything." Even though they put on very brave faces, i know it's hard for them to see me like that. I can see the joy and relief in their eyes when I come "out of it" on Saturday and things start to feel a little more normal. Like i've said before...the hardest part of this is that THEY have to go through it as well - including Ben.
I haven't really talked about him a whole lot out here in the blogosphere, have I? He has been a rock throughout this whole thing. He was the one who called everyone - my family, his family - and broke the hardest news that the cancer was back. He has been the one handling all the questions after doctor appointments, sitting with me through appointments, encouraging me when I am so discouraged, understanding when I get really low and courageously trying to bring me back "up". Seeing me sick, weak, tired, and knowing that all he can do is pat my leg and tell me he loves me - even though I know he desperately wants to be able to take it all away from me. Talking with the boys. Making sure they are doing okay with everything. Serious conversations that let them know it's okay to be sad and scared, but always reassuring them. He has always been a "fixer"; trying to find solutions to every problem - so none of this has been easy.
He maintains his optimism (even if it's just for show) in all situations and constantly looks forward to the future. He talks about what we are going to do when the boys go to college. What we are going to do after retirement. Places we should go. Things I should learn (golf). :) However, he has also shown his vulnerability. Something i don't think i've ever really seen in our 25+ years together. Just as he wishes he could take all of this away from me, I wish I could take it away from him as well.
A friend gave me the book "The Hardest Peace". I finished it last night. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking and hard story to read. I related on so many levels and found myself almost saying out loud, "yes...omgosh YES...exactly that" so many times. She talks several times about how "normalcy" is the greatest gift (amen!) and how all of the small moments in life are now the biggest (again...YES!!). I could quote so many things from this book, but will stick to this from my reading last night:
"Dear heart, the purpose of life is not longevity."
That's what a friend said to me recently. The words slowly seeped into my soul. I digested them gradually. I hate them, and I love them.
[she talks about glorifying God and enjoying him FOREVER]
Longevity is not the answer, but it is my soft heart's desire. But to give glory forever - yes, yes. That is my longevity in this place and in the next. It is easy to say those words when things are bright, but when future days feel like they are dimming, it's hard. It's just so hard.
In my desire to keep building my faithFULLness, there are many times when it is just.so.hard. Hard to trust. Hard to not be afraid. Hard to rely on Him. Hard to find peace. Hard to understand that it's not my job to understand.
To hear this woman (who is so grounded and rooted in her faith) admit that it is HARD, reminds me that it's okay for me to feel all of these things.
I spent a glorious day with my mom yesterday. We scrubbed and prepped 40lbs of carrots (!). She helped me with laundry. And then she thoroughly kicked my butt in gin rummy. We talked about scripture and she said there is a verse about worry that she really likes...but can't remember it exactly or what book it came from.
This morning the verse from my devotional was this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25
I texted her "is this the verse?"
Sure enough...that's the one!
I'm so thankful for His gentle reminders that he is always with me (us).
I made it through last weeks round. Sick. Tired. Pretty typical.
The thing is...I really feel like complete crap. To the point that I just don't even want to talk. Or can't talk. From the moment the meds start dripping until sometime Saturday when I start to feel a little more normal...i barely say 2 words. I find that I clench my teeth - which is really bad for my teeth - i know. I feel so bad when the boys come in to check on me. I just can't even answer their questions. I nod my head. I try to say a couple words. But mostly I just sit there looking miserable. They get it. They don't press. They sit for a couple seconds of silence before saying "okay. let me know if you need anything." Even though they put on very brave faces, i know it's hard for them to see me like that. I can see the joy and relief in their eyes when I come "out of it" on Saturday and things start to feel a little more normal. Like i've said before...the hardest part of this is that THEY have to go through it as well - including Ben.
I haven't really talked about him a whole lot out here in the blogosphere, have I? He has been a rock throughout this whole thing. He was the one who called everyone - my family, his family - and broke the hardest news that the cancer was back. He has been the one handling all the questions after doctor appointments, sitting with me through appointments, encouraging me when I am so discouraged, understanding when I get really low and courageously trying to bring me back "up". Seeing me sick, weak, tired, and knowing that all he can do is pat my leg and tell me he loves me - even though I know he desperately wants to be able to take it all away from me. Talking with the boys. Making sure they are doing okay with everything. Serious conversations that let them know it's okay to be sad and scared, but always reassuring them. He has always been a "fixer"; trying to find solutions to every problem - so none of this has been easy.
He maintains his optimism (even if it's just for show) in all situations and constantly looks forward to the future. He talks about what we are going to do when the boys go to college. What we are going to do after retirement. Places we should go. Things I should learn (golf). :) However, he has also shown his vulnerability. Something i don't think i've ever really seen in our 25+ years together. Just as he wishes he could take all of this away from me, I wish I could take it away from him as well.
A friend gave me the book "The Hardest Peace". I finished it last night. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking and hard story to read. I related on so many levels and found myself almost saying out loud, "yes...omgosh YES...exactly that" so many times. She talks several times about how "normalcy" is the greatest gift (amen!) and how all of the small moments in life are now the biggest (again...YES!!). I could quote so many things from this book, but will stick to this from my reading last night:
"Dear heart, the purpose of life is not longevity."
That's what a friend said to me recently. The words slowly seeped into my soul. I digested them gradually. I hate them, and I love them.
[she talks about glorifying God and enjoying him FOREVER]
Longevity is not the answer, but it is my soft heart's desire. But to give glory forever - yes, yes. That is my longevity in this place and in the next. It is easy to say those words when things are bright, but when future days feel like they are dimming, it's hard. It's just so hard.
In my desire to keep building my faithFULLness, there are many times when it is just.so.hard. Hard to trust. Hard to not be afraid. Hard to rely on Him. Hard to find peace. Hard to understand that it's not my job to understand.
To hear this woman (who is so grounded and rooted in her faith) admit that it is HARD, reminds me that it's okay for me to feel all of these things.
I spent a glorious day with my mom yesterday. We scrubbed and prepped 40lbs of carrots (!). She helped me with laundry. And then she thoroughly kicked my butt in gin rummy. We talked about scripture and she said there is a verse about worry that she really likes...but can't remember it exactly or what book it came from.
This morning the verse from my devotional was this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25
I texted her "is this the verse?"
Sure enough...that's the one!
I'm so thankful for His gentle reminders that he is always with me (us).
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