Well, this past round was BRUTAL - and i mean ALL CAPS brutal. I reacted. Which means i felt my face getting really hot and then my stomach started cramping. They stopped the drugs...i had horrible awful cramps for idk how long (my mom said it took about an hour for everything to "calm down")...and then they started up again. Yup. I can remember thinking as I was writhing in pain (quite literally) that I so wished my mom wasn't there to see all of this. How hard that must be.
And then, I spiked a fever and my heart rate went up. So I went straight from oncology to the ER, where I got to spend 6+ hours. (along with my rockstar parents who sat there with me) I got to the hospital around 8:30 that morning and went home a bit past midnight. Fun, right? No. Really.Not.Fun.
Spent the next day (my birthday) being very sick and Saturday still not feeling so hot and Sunday not feeling so great either. Sunday was depressing. I just hate feeling like that so SO much and it really brings me down. Ben was having a tough day as well. We talked and shed some tears. He struggles cause he tries to be the positive reinforcement around here. For me and the boys. That's a tough gig. He needs a good cry every now and then - even tho that's really hard for him. But it does help. I know I need it more than every now and then. And it's hard for me too cause somehow it feels like i'm "giving in" to negative feelings, but i need to think of it more like "getting it out". No matter. It's just hard no matter what and this whole thing sucks.
Today was better. Well...it started off pretty awful cause my dog decided to pee all over the den. The SMELL woke me up at 5am. Yeah. Dis.Gus.Ting. Spent about 1/2 hour scrubbing floors to try to clean it up. Bad thing is, we have wood floors. Kinda sucks it all in. EW. Put out a diffuser with peppermint oil (supposed to be clarifying). Went back to bed and did manage to fall back asleep for a little while.
Cleaned the kitchen and threw in a load of laundry and then felt like I needed a nap from all that exertion. I get tired very easily.
Tonight was baseball baseball baseball. Literally. All 3 boys played tonight. My mom came with me in case i needed to be dropped off close to the field, but I managed to get to and fro okay. And that's something cause she's a "fair weather" fan...and tonight wasn't fair weather. BRR! We went to the JV game and left early to get to Charlie's game. Of course that meant that Sammy made a double play and hit a walk off to end the game...go figure. Charlie cracks me up when he plays. He's such a social kid - loves to pitch and catch so he can interact with every player from the other team. After his game a quick stop home for charlie to put on warm clothes and for me to throw together some PB&Js for Sammy (and Charlie and me!) then back to the field for the varsity game. Needless to say, it was a long night...but I felt so GOOD. Doing all that normal stuff just makes me feel so much better. I'm thankful my stomach felt okay and my guts held it together so I could do all of it.
And now I'm up past midnight cause uniforms need to be washed (more games tomorrow).
And i'm totally fine with that.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1
Monday, May 20, 2019
Monday, May 13, 2019
pour some sugar on me (ha! good luck getting rid of that earworm)
Last weeks chemo treatment was a little different because there were no doctors there that day. With no doctor there, I can't have a couple of the drugs they usually give me. I call them the "heavy hitters". They are the ones that are supposedly most effective...and also the ones that make me the most sick (and sometimes react to). In any case, in the absence of those 2, i actually managed the treatment pretty well. Didn't throw up at all (!!!) and was pretty much ready to be up and eating the next day. Good things.
Eating. My weight has dipped pretty low (for me anyway). Since the pain came back my appetite hasn't been great and so I had dropped a couple pounds before I started chemo again. Then the first treatment knocked me down for about 3 days and even by day 4 I was still struggling a bit trying to eat anything. Lemme tell ya...that's a vicious cycle! If I don't eat and barely drink anything for 3 days (and puke up anything that is in my body), I get very weak and dehydrated...which makes me feel sick, which makes me feel like not eating or drinking. Oof. I stepped on the scale the Monday after and was pretty appalled at the number that popped up. I know I can't go into a treatment with a weight that low...so trying to gain back some weight is important. In addition, i'm trying to eat 'better'...really trying to limit sugar as much as possible and have also decided to go a little more vegetarian. In all the books, online articles, etc that I read they all recommend eliminating animal products (most suggest going vegan - but I just can't go quite that far) and eliminating sugar. So there's that too. I'm not that big of a meat eater anyway, so that part doesn't seem too difficult. Sugar however...another story.
Now, having said that, yesterday was Mother's Day and I really wanted lemon poppyseed muffins. So I ate them. Gotta allow myself little "celebration" treats I think. My birthday is this week and my mom is making me a cake. I LOOOOVE cake. And dang if I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday...
not on my actual birthday though. That's Friday and I'm pretty sure I will be in bed or in the bathroom. Ew.
I will be celebrating this week and probably a little next week.
For now, i'm feeling pretty good. Pain is still an issue. The weather is shaping up and I'm insanely jealous of all the people i see walking/jogging/riding bikes on the lake trail. What I wouldn't give...
Fortunately, I am fairly comfortable sitting down, so i can still go out and plant flowers etc. That's on my agenda this week. My mom has been buying me all kinds of beautiful things to put in my garden, and Ben and I went out to the nursery Saturday and I picked out some things for myself as well.
THAT was something to celebrate. I went to the nursery and walked around and got to look at all the beautiful plants and flowers. And THEN Ben Tyler Sam and I all went to the grocery store together (Charlie was at a ball tournament). Don't ask me why, but something about going to the grocery store as a family gives me incredible joy. I took a cart and did all the produce shopping. That's one thing about not doing my own shopping that I don't like. I like to pick out my own fruits and veggies. The boys took off with Ben and conquered the rest of the list and managed to throw in a few things that I normally would say "no" to. :)
Sammy's comment "i like shopping with dad...he doesn't say no to stuff"
There's baseball, elementary track meet, warmer temps, and birthday celebrating these next 3 days. I will fill up my bucket til it's absolutely overflowing before Thursday gets here.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Eating. My weight has dipped pretty low (for me anyway). Since the pain came back my appetite hasn't been great and so I had dropped a couple pounds before I started chemo again. Then the first treatment knocked me down for about 3 days and even by day 4 I was still struggling a bit trying to eat anything. Lemme tell ya...that's a vicious cycle! If I don't eat and barely drink anything for 3 days (and puke up anything that is in my body), I get very weak and dehydrated...which makes me feel sick, which makes me feel like not eating or drinking. Oof. I stepped on the scale the Monday after and was pretty appalled at the number that popped up. I know I can't go into a treatment with a weight that low...so trying to gain back some weight is important. In addition, i'm trying to eat 'better'...really trying to limit sugar as much as possible and have also decided to go a little more vegetarian. In all the books, online articles, etc that I read they all recommend eliminating animal products (most suggest going vegan - but I just can't go quite that far) and eliminating sugar. So there's that too. I'm not that big of a meat eater anyway, so that part doesn't seem too difficult. Sugar however...another story.
Now, having said that, yesterday was Mother's Day and I really wanted lemon poppyseed muffins. So I ate them. Gotta allow myself little "celebration" treats I think. My birthday is this week and my mom is making me a cake. I LOOOOVE cake. And dang if I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday...
not on my actual birthday though. That's Friday and I'm pretty sure I will be in bed or in the bathroom. Ew.
I will be celebrating this week and probably a little next week.
For now, i'm feeling pretty good. Pain is still an issue. The weather is shaping up and I'm insanely jealous of all the people i see walking/jogging/riding bikes on the lake trail. What I wouldn't give...
Fortunately, I am fairly comfortable sitting down, so i can still go out and plant flowers etc. That's on my agenda this week. My mom has been buying me all kinds of beautiful things to put in my garden, and Ben and I went out to the nursery Saturday and I picked out some things for myself as well.
THAT was something to celebrate. I went to the nursery and walked around and got to look at all the beautiful plants and flowers. And THEN Ben Tyler Sam and I all went to the grocery store together (Charlie was at a ball tournament). Don't ask me why, but something about going to the grocery store as a family gives me incredible joy. I took a cart and did all the produce shopping. That's one thing about not doing my own shopping that I don't like. I like to pick out my own fruits and veggies. The boys took off with Ben and conquered the rest of the list and managed to throw in a few things that I normally would say "no" to. :)
Sammy's comment "i like shopping with dad...he doesn't say no to stuff"
There's baseball, elementary track meet, warmer temps, and birthday celebrating these next 3 days. I will fill up my bucket til it's absolutely overflowing before Thursday gets here.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
depressing (sorry)
It's May. Normally I would be looking forward to Mother's Day, my birthday, warmer weather, planting flowers, the beginning of baseball season. Instead i'm dreading the start of another round of chemo.
My drs up at Mayo want me to do a 6 week chemo session with a bunch of new meds. I'm very nervous about it all. Not sure how I will tolerate the new drugs. Not looking forward to being sick. Really scared about one of the drugs they want me to try (one I reacted to 10 years ago). They feel like we need to really attack the cancer and this is their best recommendation.
I've also started some energy medicine/frequency therapy with a friend of mine. It's intriguing...and worth a shot.
I'm struggling with a lot of pain. Not gonna lie...it's making me a little (sometimes a lot) depressed. I'm uncomfortable most of the time...gets pretty frustrating. I'm on a steady diet of painkillers (tylenol/advil and hydrocodone at night)...which i absolutely hate and am not even sure if they help all that much. I hate having a night stand full of pill bottles.
Napping a lot as well since I don't sleep well at night.
Still reading the Bible, but honestly haven't had anything jump out at me lately. I know He is with me and i'm trying desperately to trust, believe, hope, etc.
Thanks always for your prayers. I could use some now for comfort and hope. I will keep fighting, but I will definitely need your help in the ring.
My drs up at Mayo want me to do a 6 week chemo session with a bunch of new meds. I'm very nervous about it all. Not sure how I will tolerate the new drugs. Not looking forward to being sick. Really scared about one of the drugs they want me to try (one I reacted to 10 years ago). They feel like we need to really attack the cancer and this is their best recommendation.
I've also started some energy medicine/frequency therapy with a friend of mine. It's intriguing...and worth a shot.
I'm struggling with a lot of pain. Not gonna lie...it's making me a little (sometimes a lot) depressed. I'm uncomfortable most of the time...gets pretty frustrating. I'm on a steady diet of painkillers (tylenol/advil and hydrocodone at night)...which i absolutely hate and am not even sure if they help all that much. I hate having a night stand full of pill bottles.
Napping a lot as well since I don't sleep well at night.
Still reading the Bible, but honestly haven't had anything jump out at me lately. I know He is with me and i'm trying desperately to trust, believe, hope, etc.
Thanks always for your prayers. I could use some now for comfort and hope. I will keep fighting, but I will definitely need your help in the ring.
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