Oh my...time passes too quickly.
I survived another round of chemo last week. It was miserable and that's all i want to say about it.
Tomorrow i have my CT scan. I won't get the results tomorrow - i will have to wait til my Mayo Clinic appointment to get those - but I'm scared nonetheless. Terrified of the results. I am looking forward to the Mayo appointment (Dec 5), but also really really scared of what we will hear there.
I'm having some pain. Not the amount of pain i was having before treatments started - where I couldn't even stand up straight. But still...it's there. Constant reminder that there's a lump of cancer sitting in the middle of me. God how i wish it wasn't there.
I'm doing a lot of looking at old pictures, or even thinking about one year ago and how I felt and desperately wishing I could feel that way again. Normal. Healthy. Carefree. Not thinking about the what-ifs.
You wanna hear something awful? If not skip to the next paragraph...but here it is: i've lost weight since this all started, so all of my jeans are too big. But every time I think about buying new clothes, I think "well...what's the point of buying new stuff if i'm going to die anyway?" Seriously. That is the thought that goes through my head. Yikes.
Moving on.
I got my house decorated for Christmas. Before Thanksgiving even. Generally it's been a "rule" around here that there's no Christmas until after Thanksgiving, but I said "uh...no". Christmas decorations make me happy so I'm putting them up! Glad I did too, cause December gets busy so quickly with basketball games starting, holiday parties, travel, etc.
Games start this week. I love watching the boys play sports...but it can also be so frustrating and heartwrenching...which is silly when you think about it. It's a game. It should be enjoyable. Something for me to work on this season...just ENJOY it.
So, this week will be busy with basketball, a concert, a fun night out with friends, and a dinner/dance this weekend where I hope to be feeling well enough to DANCE.
You know that song...I Hope You Dance (or whatever it's called)? I can't listen to that song without crying (like...sobbing). I need to print the lyrics and give them to the boys and just tell them "THIS....this right here. Read this and pretend it's me telling you all of these things"
Dance everyone. I hope you dance.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Sunday, November 11, 2018
keeping my head above water (barely)
I'm heading into my "off" week - which is good. Each treatment seems to get harder. I am sicker each time, in bed for longer, and just generally more miserable. Last round was no fun...but fortunately i'm starting to feel like i have some energy again, so that's good.
I got treated Monday and was literally in bed until Thursday...and in bed most of that day. I was able to get up and shower, which takes about all the energy I have. I have to lie down for a while just from standing in the shower. After 3 days of not eating and being sick i have absolutely nothing left in me. I look in the mirror and look like a shell. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, drink, and slowly work my way back to life and that it's okay that I need to sit down for a while after getting exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom. It's Sunday and I am still a little more tired than my "normal" self would be...but manage to do normal-self things for the most part.
I'm fighting some harsh reality thoughts going through my head again.
I was going through anger/sadness - a lot of "why me", "i wish this wasn't happening", "i hate this", "i want to go back in time and somehow prevent this", etc. Now all that has turned to a sort of realism/not great outlook on how all of this is going to turn out. I want to be super hopeful about my re-scan and my upcoming Mayo Clinic appointment...but just can't seem to get there. Maybe not wanting to set myself up for disappointment? Prepare for the worst? But really....how can i prepare myself for the worst? I mean...the worst is THE WORST and I can't imagine there's anyway to prepare myself for it.
I could go on and on about all the awful thoughts in my head, but then we'd all be super depressed....so let's not go there.
I went to church this morning. The bell choir was playing and I wanted to hear them. I used to play in the bell choir. And I loved it. I haven't seen the "ladies" so seeing them this morning was pretty emotional for me. There was a fantastic hug-fest during the "stand and greet your neighbor" time. I couldn't hold back tears. And it was true for many other members of the church as well. So many hugs and greetings and people letting me know they are praying for me. If anyone ever asks what they can do...that's what they can do. Keep praying.
On Friday when I made my way downstairs to eat breakfast, i was met with a stack of cards that had come in the mail. After a rough week it was so nice to sit down and read the cards and well-wishes. It is so nice to have so many people trying to keep me lifted up. I need it...i really do.
I got treated Monday and was literally in bed until Thursday...and in bed most of that day. I was able to get up and shower, which takes about all the energy I have. I have to lie down for a while just from standing in the shower. After 3 days of not eating and being sick i have absolutely nothing left in me. I look in the mirror and look like a shell. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, drink, and slowly work my way back to life and that it's okay that I need to sit down for a while after getting exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom. It's Sunday and I am still a little more tired than my "normal" self would be...but manage to do normal-self things for the most part.
I'm fighting some harsh reality thoughts going through my head again.
I was going through anger/sadness - a lot of "why me", "i wish this wasn't happening", "i hate this", "i want to go back in time and somehow prevent this", etc. Now all that has turned to a sort of realism/not great outlook on how all of this is going to turn out. I want to be super hopeful about my re-scan and my upcoming Mayo Clinic appointment...but just can't seem to get there. Maybe not wanting to set myself up for disappointment? Prepare for the worst? But really....how can i prepare myself for the worst? I mean...the worst is THE WORST and I can't imagine there's anyway to prepare myself for it.
I could go on and on about all the awful thoughts in my head, but then we'd all be super depressed....so let's not go there.
I went to church this morning. The bell choir was playing and I wanted to hear them. I used to play in the bell choir. And I loved it. I haven't seen the "ladies" so seeing them this morning was pretty emotional for me. There was a fantastic hug-fest during the "stand and greet your neighbor" time. I couldn't hold back tears. And it was true for many other members of the church as well. So many hugs and greetings and people letting me know they are praying for me. If anyone ever asks what they can do...that's what they can do. Keep praying.
On Friday when I made my way downstairs to eat breakfast, i was met with a stack of cards that had come in the mail. After a rough week it was so nice to sit down and read the cards and well-wishes. It is so nice to have so many people trying to keep me lifted up. I need it...i really do.
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