Eat the cake, drink the drink

There is a lot of information out there about "health", and what it means to be "healthy".  It's hard to know which way to turn sometimes if you are trying to improve upon your eating/exercise/etc habits.  I get a lot of unsolicited advice (all well meaning and really appreciated) regarding what I "should" be doing in regards to my treatment (or self treatment).  I should be taking this supplement, diffusing this oil, looking into this option...  And holy cow, if I were to head to the internet (which, btw, as a rule i do not. Ignorance is bliss for me) I'm sure i would be completely overwhelmed.
But sometimes I think....it's all just bullshit.
One year ago today Ben and I went to Rochester to the Mayo Clinic for full physicals. I've never had a really comprehensive physical and I was excited to do it and see the results. At the end of 2 days of bloodwork, x-rays, stress test, ekg, urine test...you name it, we met with our respective doctors and talked about our results.  My dr was beside herself. She said they rarely see people "like me" up there and that the cardiologist sang my praises (which she said they never do).  My vitamin and mineral levels were all perfect. I was the "picture of health".
The picture of health.
Skip ahead one year.
ONE. FREAKING. YEAR.

Right?

So, what's the point of this post? Certainly not to tell you to just stop exercising and eating healthy etc cause you never know.  No.  Keep exercising.  Keep eating healthy.  That's good stuff right there. And teach those habits to your kids while you're at it.
HOWEVER,
do not beat yourself up about a few extra pounds. Please.  Do not NOT eat the birthday cake cause you want to be a certain size.
Drink the drink, eat the cake....life's too short.

Cheers y'all.

tomorrow, tomorrow, i loathe you, tomorrow....

Tomorrow is another treatment day...which means another miserable week. To say i'm not looking forward to it is an understatement.
My sister has taken the day off work to come sit with me. I usually sleep for a lot of it, but it's always nice to have someone there with me.
Ugh.  I don't want to think about it....

So.  Enjoyed a nice weekend.  Went to the home football game Friday. Lazed around Saturday and worked on laundry (never ending at my house). Got to spend some time with my sister in law and my adorable nephew. Went to Sioux City today and ran some errands and watched Tyler play his last Fall ball games. Also celebrated Charlie's birthday all weekend (actual b-day is today). Sammy's been sick all last week, poor kid. I'm hoping that I don't get whatever it is that he has.  Lots of hand washing and diffusing On Guard.  Fingers crossed...

I did finally get an appointment secured at Mayo Clinic.  Dec 5th. Hoping everything goes well between now and then so plans don't have to change.

This is serious sh*t

I haven't posted in a while.  Last round of chemo totally kicked my butt.  I'm enjoying my "off" week but every day that passes is just another day closer to the next round. Really not looking forward to it.

I was hit hard with reality this past week.  Not that I haven't been hit hard with it before...so i guess i was hit hard again. I stopped at work this past week - for the first time since my diagnosis.  I've been avoiding it cause I knew it would be hard for me. But, I was feeling good and wanted to get my locker cleaned out so someone else can use it, so I went. We were talking about how I'm doing, treatments, how dehydrated I am, and a co-worker said she remembers her mom being dehydrated as well.  Her mom had breast cancer when she was really young...fought it for 3 years and passed away.  BOOM.  Hello reality.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. Ben and I sat down and I said, "the reality is...i might fight this for a while and then still die".  We talked about our wills, etc....all stuff that is awful to think/talk about but necessary.
And here I am still thinking about it. I know I can't fixate on this...try to stay positive, think positive, have faith and all that.  But...well...reality.  People die from cancer.
This is tough. I hate the thought of my parents losing their daughter, my siblings losing a sister, my husband losing his wife. Mostly I hate the thought of my boys having to go through losing their mom. I hate the thought of not getting to watch them continue to grow up. I hate the thought of not seeing them get married, and getting to hold my grandkids. I don't want them to be sad and to miss me and I don't want to miss being there for them.
Mostly...i don't want them to hurt. I don't want them to have to go through losing their mom. I want to be here.
The only thing I can ever remember wanting to "be" when I grew up was a mom.  I wanted to have kids and be a stay at home mom. That was my dream...and it came true. These boys of mine are the greatest gift I have ever been given and I love them so much I could never put it into words. To think about not being here with them is more than I can take. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad.       I'm scared.    Fucking cancer.

I hate cancer so much.

*sigh*

It’s Thursday. I’m just starting to come out of the fog. After not eating or drinking for a couple of days it’s a long process to get back to “normal”. Eating is a challenge. Drinking is an even bigger one. After feeling so nauseated for the past few days it’s hard to think of food/drink without the nausea threatening to return. And smells. Oh my. I’m so sensitive to smells.
But I know I need to eat and drink. I’m working on it. Thankfully ben is willing and able to run to the store for my strange requests. Today it’s orange hy-c. I have no idea why.
I’m very tired and weak. Just moving around (taking a shower!) wipes me out. Ugh.

I’m ready to feel like me again. 😕

Man down

This round is kicking my ass. No sugar coating. I’m nauseous and vomiting this time. Could really do without that added bonus thankyouverymuch.
I hate feeling sick. I hate going through this. I hate not feeling like myself. I hate not being able to do the things I used to do. I hate that my kids have to see me like this. I hate that my parents have to see me like this. I hate that my siblings worry from afar. I hate all of the unknowns.
I. Hate. Cancer.

Feelin Groovy

You're welcome if that song is in your head now too.  :)      (misery loves company)

This is my "off" week.  With treatment days on Mondays, it usually wipes me out for the rest of the week.  I'd say M-Th are the worst and I start coming out of the fog over the weekend. So it's more like a treatment week, and it's miserable.
Which makes feeling GOOD on my off week that much better! I honestly celebrate every day that I feel 'normal' and thank God every night for an amazing day of normalcy.  Yesterday I cleaned bathrooms and did laundry...usually not things to be super excited about...but being able to do them BY MYSELF?!  Yep...happy dance. Today I am planning to go to the grocery store.  My dad has been doing my grocery shopping for me and I couldn't appreciate it more...but again...excited to get my own damn groceries!  Apparently Fareway changed their store around so I need to go see what that's all about.

If my stomach cooperates, I'm also going to take a short walk with my dog (and my awesome neighbor).
You would think i might be going stir crazy without exercise.  It's been a huge part of my life for, well, ever.  It's my mental release and has always been the thing that just makes me feel good. Since my surgery in July (gall bladder removal) i haven't exercised.  Nothing more than a walk.  I am actually amazed that I'm not crawling in my skin not being able to DO something.  But i'm really not. I'm content.  It makes me wonder if maybe I needed a break? I certainly realize now that my body is working really really hard on the INSIDE, and in order for it to have the energy it needs to fight this battle, I need to let myself rest so I'm not wasting anything. I've let down a lot of my walls of independence in order to let people help me with so many things so that I can rest. I can sit on the couch while my mom cleans my bathrooms or Rhonda dusts my house and actually be OKAY with it.  That's a huge thing for me. In the past i would have been feeling super guilty and lazy and ridiculous about sitting there while other people helped me. I realize now that it's just how it has to be right now.  It's temporary.  It's also amazing.
Not feeling guilt? I'm the queen of feeling guilty about almost everything.  I literally gave up guilt for Lent one year!  But I don't have energy to waste on guilt right now.
All the energy needs to go to getting rid of the cancer. ALL. OF. IT.

It's a little cold and grey out, but my mood will not be deterred.
Sunshine and rainbows here today....all is goovy.  ;)